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[reality2k4]

I am getting back to parts of my boyhood where I must have flirted so much.
It hurts me so much because I was r*ped at 10yo, and it totally smashed my relationships.

It seems to me that I must have been acting out, but he cannot understand why? As a pre-pubic boy would act out and flirt.

The biggest worry was that I dont suppose he wanted to, but is it just a natural effect of ab*se, of that I do not know.

I suppose the biggest and most hurtful thing that he just thought he was here for abuse, but if I look at my own abuse, the I suppose I was fearful of losing my life in it.

Is it just a self destructive behaviour? And maybe just a feeling of being worthless, and something, instead of somebody, and why? Did he throw all the blame on himself and hurt himself so badly.

These memories are not new, but I am trying to get through this point.

The point I am making is, that as a boy, I had urges to make relationships with girls, and I had all of this crap in my mind like some huge sore, and I thought that maybe girls could never know this hurt, and it is wrong to dump it all on them.

I am sure this dumped most of my relationships, because the hurt flashed them in the eye, like some secret agenda on my mind.

Another way of looking at it is this. I used to think the hurt of abuse was driving them away from me, but it was just the thought of sharing it, that was the real driver at the time.

Then I got to some point where I liked me, and my confidence grew, but by that time he has too many problems and maybe always dwelled on his past problems.

I suppose it was at a time when I did not feel as though I was attractive as either a mate, friend, or a member of Society and it screwed him up.

Maybe it is because he has fear of touch, and confusion that love equals hurt, and I am sorry but some things a mod says brings me into the realms of the love hurt thing, and how it almost destroyed my mind.

I just thought he was a kid who could not identify with his own life and feelings, but I suppose I am lucky to have my unbroken parts of childhood, and maybe that is what steered him into the future.

I dont suppose we lose our true identity, and somehow we project that identity on the World, and sometimes it can be laughed at, or turned around back to ab*se.

Maybe it is this stuff that makes me dissociate my mind from childhood and blot all this rubbish out, I dont know, but it was disturbing to me, and I really mean just that.

Any views are welcome especially off Ken Singer.

ste

 

[Mystic Rhythm]

I had urges to make relationships with girls, and I had all of this crap in my mind like some huge sore, and I thought that maybe girls could never know this hurt, and it is wrong to dump it all on them.

This is how all my relationships with women end. Whenever I feel I earn a woman's trust, I foolishly hang on to them for support by telling them of my dark past and problems. At first, they listen, but it eventually takes a toll on them and we end up having a huge fight or I have a huge fit for being abandoned and the friendships end in fights. Never physical, always verbal.

The last case of this happened a couple of weeks ago with my colleague. I thought I had finally found someone strong enough to bear the burden, but I was wrong and the friendship took a nose-dive and ended very ugly.

I've never been able until just recently to pinpoint where my problem was originating from. But the lesson I'VE learned purely for my own self is to never dump my problems on friends who do not have the tools to deal with matters like these. From my personal experience, I've discovered very few people have the resources to handle hearing horrors like the ones we went through and cannot deal with it.

Anyways, time to go home. Sorry ste if I didn't provide any answers, but it triggered some problems I have to deal with.

Hopefully someone will have something more concrete for you.

MR

 

[reality2k4]

MR, there are no answers, it is hard to dump crap on someone you love and expect them to be able to bear it.

I hope you can find the right girl who can work around just loving you for who you are, and not hurt you again.

It was the hardest thing in the World to be just dumped without reason, and you automatically know that it is past events that cause relationships to just disappear.

I had one girl who knew and is so much close to me but she lives in Europe, and I cannot migrate to this Country of Germany.

Dont get me wrong that Country is brilliant, and it is not so hard for me to converse with Germans, but I have still to be grounded in my own surroundings.

The women in F&F are pretty good at explaining that yes, a load of women can be strong enough to love you if you let them into your life.

I just thought it is wrong to dump all this crap on any woman and expect her to say OK I still love you, but I think it is vital now in any relationship to admit to the past and not tell lies or keep silent.

Yeah, I have to be upfront on this issue, but I ahould never have to, and neither should any of us have to.

Be honest and truthful in a relationship because I feel it is the only way to have a true loving relationship,

ste