Uncle Kenny

Uncle Kenny
J

Jaysen

Registrant
Can't believe I'm about to put this out here... but I don't care I need to get it off my plate, so here goes...

I had a thing going on with my uncle for almost 3 years. It started when I was 11 and continued until I was about 13. He was almost 40.

My folks never paid much attention to me and he was my babysitter, they went out a lot so me and him spent a lot of time together.

I was in love with him, or maybe not "in love" because I was only 11, didn't know what that was, I don't know what the word is.. infatuated, obsessed, amazed... he was everything to me. He taught me things, he was kind and gentle and went slow with me, never impatient with me, never got mad, never yelled, never hit, he never hurt me, he didn't drink, he never made my mom cry, he was the my world. Of course he was 15+ years older than me so he was also experience, smart and extremely manipulative.

Back then he was my hero and I willingly and happily let him do anything to me that he wanted and I did anything he asked me too.

When I think about it now, well... he tricked me, he lied to me, he molested me and he raped me. I feel so torn and so goddamn guilty with so many mixed up emotions about it.

One day I was waiting for him to come over, he never showed up. My mother told me that he left, moved out of town, we'd probably never hear from him or see him again. My whole world crashed down around me, I went upstairs and cried my eyes out for hours, for days I was depressed, I couldn't figure out what I did to drive him away. For weeks I went over it in my head, was it something I did or didn't do? Something I said? The way I look? What the hell was it? Why did he leave me?

I drank a lot after that, my mother found bottles of booze in my room, I was 13 years old and she never even asked why.

Why am I still so screwed up by this... I'm older now, I know why he did what he did, I know he just manipulated a little kid into getting what he wanted, but if I know these things then why is my heart still breaking?

Jay
 
Jay By what your mother said about Him leaveing and you guys never seeing him again sounds to me like he he was abuseing others and had to leave town or go to jail.

Jay you where very young when this happened and your mind looked at Uncle Kenny as a good person. Maybe your mother knew at the end that Uncle Kenny had been abusing you. Most people thought that we would just get over the abuse and move on. No One knew how to help us so they did nolthing.

I think you should try to talk with your mother about this and what she knew.
Tom
 
Yes I tend to think she knew, or found out and made him leave. I can't talk to her and even if I could she'd just blame me for the whole thing. I don't need to hear that from her.

Thanks
 
first, you uncle abused you. saying you had a thing means you had a part in it, and at 11 he used you. it seems like picking nits, but labels can be powerful. i used to say i had a relationship with the people i acted out with, but they werent relationships. they were acting out.

i also feel it sounds like she found out and chased him off to protect you. see the problem is that if she knew, and didnt get you the help you needed, it wasnt enough to just chase him away.
 
Jay,

One thing you have to understand here is how an 11 yo boy feels at this stage of his life. He is not so dependent on his parents as he was previously, he wants to go try out new things with his friends, but still, he wants "home" to be a place where he can come running back for safety. "Home" should be the place where he is loved, wanted, held, cuddled, made to feel important and cherished, and so on. A kid YEARNS for all that, and he desperately NEEDS it.

If that boy doesn't get these things at home, he will begin to feel isolated, unimportant, left out, and abandoned. And he will still want those things! He will look elsewhere for them, and abusers are absolutely expert at sniffing out hurting vulnerable kids like that. Your uncle knew exactly what to do:

He taught me things, he was kind and gentle and went slow with me, never impatient with me, never got mad, never yelled, never hit, he never hurt me, he didn't drink, he never made my mom cry, he was the my world.
Click to expand...
He provided you with the attention and validation you needed, and you reacted as he wanted, and exactly as so many other abused boys have done. You did not have mature sexual boundaries at the age of 11, and whatever boundaries you did have would quickly have been overwhelmed. You were just an innocent defenseless kid.

You wonder why you missed him. Well, I missed the man who abused me as well. When it was all over I felt very bad. I thought I had done something wrong and had been abandoned. The things he had made me do were terrible, but still, I missed him. What is there to learn here? Again, just how messed up and confused an abused boy can be.

You talk also about knowing certain things to be true, and you wonder how these could still affect you so badly. Jay, this too happens all the time. That's because what we know and what we believe can be very different. As a boy I might know the ice is safe, but I will still fear to walk out on it because I don't BELIEVE it to be safe. I don't trust it. Many things are like that for survivors.

Hang in there Jay, you are doing really well. I hope some of the ideas you are getting will prove helpful.

Much love,
Larry
 
an 11yo boy cannot consent. they lack maturity and understanding. even if you had any sexual awareness, the deeper meaning behind sex would have still been a huge mystery. yes, this was sexual abuse for sure.
 
Thanks, I understand what you're both saying and I agree... I'm just not ready to call it that yet. I know I was only 11 and I know I didn't have a clue, but to me it wasn't abuse, to me I wasn't just being used, to me he really cared about me and took care of me. What those other guys did to me, that was abuse. My uncle never hurt me.
 
you may not have felt the pain physically, but emotionally he brutalized you. in time you will come to see that. the damage he did to you is entwined thru every aspect of your life, and most you dont even realize yet. you will with time.
 
Jay,

My uncle never hurt me.
Click to expand...
Sometimes it's difficult for a survivor to see the truth looming in front of him. You may have felt close to your uncle when he was doing these things, but the fact of the matter is that an uncle shows his nephew how much he loves him by listening to him, giving big safe hugs, giving him time, doing things for him that he will enjoy, making him feel special, and so on, ALL FOR THE BOY'S OWN SAKE. When he does that but adds sex into it, then he's just tricking the boy. He's using the boy's innocence and natural desire for attention to exploit him and get what HE (the uncle) wants. That's what makes it abuse.

Much love,
Larry
 
Jay,

It's very important that you NOT give up bro. What you are getting at lies at the heart of all the things that happened to you not so many years ago.

You continue to defend him because he is your uncle, you love him, and you feel that he treated you in a loving caring way. All this is what makes it very difficult for a survivor abused by a close relative to process what happened to him.

The reason why holding on to this illusion is damaging to you is that it leaves you with only yourself to blame. But you as a young boy could not possible be at fault.

I would not tell you that you need to find someone to blame. But it is very important to understand that abuse can never be the child's fault. That more or less means that we have to give all the blame back to the person who deserves it - the abuser.

Much love,
Larry
 
I'm not really giving up, I'm just frustrated with trying to do this... I know where I need to put the blame, I know it wasn't my fault even though I was a willing participant.

Honestly, until I found this place, he was the only one who ever seemed to care about how I felt.

He took advantage of me, I know
 
Jay It may seem like he was gential and never forced this on you but the fact is that he used you to get what he wanted. That is abuse in every way.

You where just an 11 year old boy who knew nolthing about sex and Kenny used you, he never had to push you because he had unlimited acess to you. He could take all the time in the world to groom you.

Tom
 
Jay, I had a similar "relationship" with my grandfather except it started at a much younger age for me and continued until I moved out from my parents. I was his "favorite" grandson. He often would buy me toys, candy, and other things. I never thought he hurt me in any way until I started to wonder why I hated children and didn't care for others at all. I never forgot my abuse but I just didn't think it was abuse. Imagine that... a child of less than 10 years of age not knowing that rape and sexual fondling by an adult is wrong.

I'm so sorry you were abused but I'm glad you are here and that you are trying to do something about it. Take care of yourself and remember everyone is here for very similar reasons. We're in this together...

Jesse
 
Muldoon, what do you mean "groom" me?

Thanks Jesse, we're in this together, that makes me feel a lot better.

Jay
 
Jay What I mean by that is he was able to take it one small step at a time. He didn't have to force himself on you. He would get you use to each fasze of the abuse before he would force new things on you.

I was 11 when I was 1st rape and than it happened again at 14. Each time it was violent and I knew for sure that it was a bad thing that was done to me.

In your case Jay, Kenny was able to move slow and show you what you thought was love but it was sexual abuse.

Tom
 
Jaysen, I was struck very much by your sharing, especially when you said you felt "in love" with your uncle. I know exactly this feeling you are talking about. When talking to my sister about some of my own abuse experiences, I termed these feelings "fascination" and my sister could understand exactly what I was talking about.

I have experienced the type of childhood sexual abuse you describe which I personally feel is beyond cruel as it is so manipulative and plays on children's needs and wishes. Sepearating what might have been happy non sexual moments from all the rest of it is an almost impossible task so one ends up with very conflicted feelings over things.

I also was what can only be descibed as raped(rather violently) as a young man so that left no room for any illusions and rationalizations.

I appluad this step you found the courage to take.
Be well.
 
Jaysen,
My story is very similar to yours, I was around 12 my brother is 3 1/2 years older than me. I also was "willing". However like you I didn't really know what sex was and looked up to my brother alot. For some odd reason I still do today. Even now, I continue to struggle to convince myself fully that it was abuse.
 
sorry that happened to you.I had a simaler thing happen to me.I was 9 when it started and 12 when it ended with my Dads friend.I don't know how he new but when we returned home he was gone have never herd from or seen him again.Bill
 
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