Unable to get erection?


I had a girl I met over at my place last night, we try to have sex and I wasn’t able to get it up. It’s not a good feeling, it’s happened quite a few times in the past. Sometimes I wonder if deep down I’m gay or maybe is performance anxiety? I can’t seem to fully relax and enjoy the moment while I’m having sex. Obviously the better I know a woman the easier it gets I suppose. Anyone have experience with this? My abuser was my uncle and I remember I liked the feeling so that often makes me question whether I’m gay or not. Even though I do get attached and am attracted to women.


I feel for you ZORN (cool name by the way). I have the ED triple play. Type 2 diabetes, depression and overweight. It just adds to the anxiety and pressure from the CSA
I feel for ya man. I keep myself in shape so obesity is not an issue for me at this this point


Staff member
Zorn get thee to the doctor. There are so many many factors at play here and matters we dont know. Larry lists 3, I would add vascular issues, medications for all of the above and all of the issues of csa, and for me low testosterone. Only a full discussion with your doc can get to the bottom. I would NOT judge orientation by erection...even performance anxiety, lack of sleep, General anxiety of the date can effect you. One thing I have learned beyond generic cialis and viagra now being available much more affordably, viagra was originally an asthma drug and is also available as an even cheaper generic ( sorry don’t remember the name it begins with r) under that marketing in smaller dose sizes also - for me a little bit goes a long way.
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Kal is right on Zorn... all bets are off when we've been sexually abused. Healthy sexuality unfolds naturally. We didn't have the opportunity to find what our bodies wanted as we matured. I've had the same doubts you've experienced as a result of being used by a man. They spun through my mind for years as one heterosexual relationship after another hit the rocks. With a bit of experimentation and quite a bit of self-examination through therapy and reading I've come to accept the same sex experiences I had as an adult really were extensions of the CSA. None of this, however, has made sex with women easy. I find terror there as well and have not been sexual with a woman for decades. If I were younger I might be more concerned about that fact, but turning 78 next month it is not at the top of my list of concerns. At your age it is a much different matter. My guess is this will all become clearer as you do your healing work with a therapist. Of course, you'll want a partner willing to travel the bumpy roads that might show up as you explore being sexual AND fully present so you can relax and enjoy the experience. The best to you young man!

Healing light

I struggle with lots to do with sex, ed has been one of those I would check out there's no "health" reason and then relax , if a partner isn't willing to walk with you on this there not worth your time to begin
Self exploration is something CSA took from us but we can take that back now , we cut it out our relationship completely and looked at other areas of intimacy that helped , now I'm far more relaxed and know myself better
I hope you find what works for you

It is good you are able to talk about it with your wife Chad. I hope you're also talking with your therapist because this is really where the healing can happen for you both. For you it is unpacking all the feelings associated with the abuse. My journey began with abuse from my mother, so the abuse at the hands of a neighbor man was doubly complicated. When I eventually opened up this box I found terror coupled with arousal. Unfortunately, I didn't have the support or the courage at that time to work with those feelings with my wife. I wish I had because that is the next step... allowing myself to be held, to feel the fear inherent in being that close. From there it might be possible to explore my body and see whether arousal arrives with tenderness and touch. Don't give up on it all Chad. We don't want to let the predators have ALL of our lives. Our healing work is what allows us to have our lives. It is the most important thing we can do for ourselves and our loved ones.


Once I started coping with my sexual abuse I started having similar problems Z0rn. Sex felt forced and a bit dirty, but also it was even hard for me to get myself to masturbate. Therapy def helped, in which it gave me a pathway to talk about these issues. At the moment, sexual relations do not seem to be the problem but rather the lack of intimacy is where I'm struggling.

Also, I think society has cornered every man into thinking that in order to be a 'true' man, they need to be able to perform in bed and at any moment. I don't think that is the reality, especially since you're dealing with sexual trauma, you shouldn't expect to hit a home run every chance sex arises. I think casual sex, for sexual abuse victims at least, can be hard to be satisfied with. In my opinion, sex should come with love and care. Not just in terms of pleasure and relief. I hope this could help.