Unable to be sexual

[Tryingtolive]

Don't feel I can be sexual even though I desire to be.
I feel sex or me is dirty.
Don't feel I can have a relationship.
A Normal one.
I don't desire to be with a man.
But want understanding from one.
I feel I deny myself honest relationships with men.
Because of what happen.
And when I mean relationships I don't mean sexual.
But rather being able to feel I "belong"
I'm always trying to be "approved"
I have a huge issue with being seen as a "man"
I Lack confidence around other men.
I feel left out even when I'm not.
I see myself half as a man.
I fight with my masculinity.
Being able to relate with other men I feel I can't sometimes.
Shy and awkward at times.
Some consider me to be gay.
Quiet and don't talk about women.
I hate talking about sexual things in general.
When I hear things it makes me think back to how I enjoyed my abuse.
I still have a hard time believing it was.
I always get uncomfortable when discussing things about a women.
Sexual talk leaves me feeling disgusted.

It feels I'll always try proving what Iam.
Instead Of knowing what Iam.

I get extreme anxiety around other men.
Trying to prove Iam one.
Not being comfortable with myself.
Is my own problem.
So Iam to blame for this right?

 

[woodenshoes]

Trying to live

You are not blame. Please don't blame yourself. It is a after effect of what happened. Please take a step back and don't be so hard on yourself. You derserve support and we are here for you. Remember we are who we are because of the abuse be kind to yourself. You are a good person remember that.

Ws

 

[Tryingtolive]

Thanks ws

 

[greenwizard]

I struggle a lot with masculinity myself, and usually don't feel I measure up. It's because I don't like things society says I should like. Professional sports are really stupid in my opinion, and it annoys the crap out of me when my normal viewing habits are interrupted by some kind of game. A car is a thing that gets me from one place to another, don't have much more of an opinion on them other than that. Beer is disgusting. You could put a gun in my hands and drag me out to the woods, but you couldn't make me shoot Bambi for anything.

I only had my dad until I was 10, then he died. While alive he was a piss poor role model. If you think of masculine and feminine as a sliding scale I think I am somewhere right in the middle. I was told I needed a hobby, and I chose scented jar candle making, because I like scented candles.

I have long ago come to the conclusion that stereotypes suck. I just look at myself as an individual human being. After all, if every man in the world were just exactly what societal stereotypes say they should be, and the same for every woman, this world would be a pretty boring place severely lacking diversity.

 

[Ceremony]

Greenwizard, any and Tryingtolive, I like your post very much greenwizard. I too respond to sports in much the way you describe. It irritates me to have any expectation that I know whose playing, who the players are, and that there's some major playoff to be aware of? I'm like, oh? Who cares. To me, I have to endure those men, and there are so many! What's important in their life? What about the environment, what about taking on rape culture and even more, what about knowing there are boys and men who are raped?! What about victim survival and healing? Why we're put to such marginalized status, and hidden! Like what the Catholic church or schools do! I can go on and on, but the idea of masculinity will be somewhat lost.

I've had a severely negative and punishing life toward myself regarding being enough of a male for any woman?! Why would they ever want me?! AND I have posted this before, but I will again, it's why I've had one sexual partner my entire life and was a virgin up to her. So, I'm married to her, and her abuse of me has been very harsh, too toxic!

I wish we all could see that a loving partner, and that they're loving us, needs to be nourished and treasured, Damn, I don't mean you're not doing that, please don't take that as criticism, which is what it looks like, It's not, It's about myself mourning that I have toxic, not love and others might have it, but can't be a part of it, and others have it. I think, just one intimate friend, and it doesn't need to be sexual, but intimate to a bond of emotional expression, will help with healing. The sexual part for many seems a struggle, unless the partner is part of healing, security, etc... I've read you have that, and am glad.

I'm not sure I've done anything with this post, but, it's here.

 

[greenwizard]

Sex is kind of a tricky thing for me. Right after the abuse I didn't really want it. When I met my girlfriend it was kind of a problem before she knew about my abuse. Like, normal people, after a month or so they show at least some kind of sexual interest in a member of the opposite sex they like. I did not, and I was very touchy about physical contact.

But then she found out what was going on, and why I wasn't responding the way a 'normal' hetero man would. Fortunately she was very supportive and let me work things out at my own pace. Eventually I was ready for sexual contact again.

It is because we are honest with each other that I know things are still not all that satisfying for her in that department. I am in the mood way less than she would like, and I don't always last long enough when I am in the mood. That's kind of an ego blow, but I did ask for honesty....