Umm...
Umm...
- Thread starterswandive
- Start date
roadrunner
Registrant
Swandive,
I can imagine how it feels for you. You have suddenly plunged yourself into the world of the survivor of CSA, and you are reading things that almost never get talked about in public. But these are things that survivors feel, and are, every day. I think it's inevitable that you would react to them as you have.
But to answer your question, yes, it does make it easier to cope. Speaking for myself, I can say it was a huge step for me to come here and discover that I was not alone, that I was not a freak for feeling as I did. Since then I have found it enormously empowering to discuss issues with others in a place where I know I will be understood and supported.
Another thing to bear in mind would be this. As boys most survivors were made to think that they had to keep silent in their shame and fear. Now they see that this isn't so. So even the most negative and distressing post can be a survivor's way of shouting out, "I am NOT to blame for this and I won't stay quiet any longer."
I hope you keep posting with your questions. I think it's important to address these issues; the question that only one asks is probably a question that many others think about too.
Much love,
Larry
I can imagine how it feels for you. You have suddenly plunged yourself into the world of the survivor of CSA, and you are reading things that almost never get talked about in public. But these are things that survivors feel, and are, every day. I think it's inevitable that you would react to them as you have.
But to answer your question, yes, it does make it easier to cope. Speaking for myself, I can say it was a huge step for me to come here and discover that I was not alone, that I was not a freak for feeling as I did. Since then I have found it enormously empowering to discuss issues with others in a place where I know I will be understood and supported.
Another thing to bear in mind would be this. As boys most survivors were made to think that they had to keep silent in their shame and fear. Now they see that this isn't so. So even the most negative and distressing post can be a survivor's way of shouting out, "I am NOT to blame for this and I won't stay quiet any longer."
I hope you keep posting with your questions. I think it's important to address these issues; the question that only one asks is probably a question that many others think about too.
Much love,
Larry
Thanks Larry. I'm trying to just keep in mind for who I am doing this and why I should see this new knowledge as positively powerful, and not just draining. It just feel like the more and more I read and the more and more that starts to make sense to me about my boyfriends reactions to things...the more and more angry/hurt/frustrated/helpless I feel. I mean, I knew it affected more than what he always gave it credit for, but I just want to scream at the realization of how much of his life was/is/will be effected by that asshole.
Of course now I don't want to bring any of this stuff up to him,because I really don't want him to feel stigmatized, but I just want to be able to tell him how whole and wonderful he is. And let him know that it's okay succeed and love himself and feel valuable beyond words. I just want to tell him that he doesn't have to fight for control over his life because it's all his.
Ugh, I am just so sick with anger. I think of all the stupid little fights he and I have had about small things, like one time when I suggested he work on his homework instead of coming out with me. And I remember how mad he got because I was 'trying to control him,' when all I was trying to do is remind him that he has a paper due in two days and it would be easier to work on it sooner than later. He ended up not doing his paper at all, and he failed the class. He didn't want to be controlled to the point that he didn't do the paper to show his control over his life! GAH! I can think of 1,000 more examples like this, where his mom or a friend or I suggested or encouraged him to do something, and he spitefully did the opposite..which really only spites himself. And he has told me he doesn't feel like he will ever advance, and he has drunkenly told our friends how hurt he feels all the time. And he always just reminisces about how smart he 'was' and how he just never progressed after 7th grade (his abuse happened in 6th). And guh!
Oh, oh! And I was reading both on this site and another website about how childhood sexual abuse can stunt ones physical development, and it makes sooo much sense. He just started growing any significant amount of facial hair when he turned 19! And his voice still cracks rather frequently. And just reading about how it can emotionally stunt ones development..ugh. He himself feels like he got stuck in school when he was about 12. Before then he was at the VERY TOP of his class...and now he is struggling to finish one class a semester at a local technical college. He still reads and is very knowledgeable in his chosen field...he is just sooo passionate about it...but yet he isnt allowing himself to succeed. I am so effing pissed that anyone could ever hurt him like that.
Sorry to unload. I'm just feel like I am going to self-combust.
Anyway, thanks for your support and understanding.
Of course now I don't want to bring any of this stuff up to him,because I really don't want him to feel stigmatized, but I just want to be able to tell him how whole and wonderful he is. And let him know that it's okay succeed and love himself and feel valuable beyond words. I just want to tell him that he doesn't have to fight for control over his life because it's all his.
Ugh, I am just so sick with anger. I think of all the stupid little fights he and I have had about small things, like one time when I suggested he work on his homework instead of coming out with me. And I remember how mad he got because I was 'trying to control him,' when all I was trying to do is remind him that he has a paper due in two days and it would be easier to work on it sooner than later. He ended up not doing his paper at all, and he failed the class. He didn't want to be controlled to the point that he didn't do the paper to show his control over his life! GAH! I can think of 1,000 more examples like this, where his mom or a friend or I suggested or encouraged him to do something, and he spitefully did the opposite..which really only spites himself. And he has told me he doesn't feel like he will ever advance, and he has drunkenly told our friends how hurt he feels all the time. And he always just reminisces about how smart he 'was' and how he just never progressed after 7th grade (his abuse happened in 6th). And guh!
Oh, oh! And I was reading both on this site and another website about how childhood sexual abuse can stunt ones physical development, and it makes sooo much sense. He just started growing any significant amount of facial hair when he turned 19! And his voice still cracks rather frequently. And just reading about how it can emotionally stunt ones development..ugh. He himself feels like he got stuck in school when he was about 12. Before then he was at the VERY TOP of his class...and now he is struggling to finish one class a semester at a local technical college. He still reads and is very knowledgeable in his chosen field...he is just sooo passionate about it...but yet he isnt allowing himself to succeed. I am so effing pissed that anyone could ever hurt him like that.
Sorry to unload. I'm just feel like I am going to self-combust.
Anyway, thanks for your support and understanding.
roadrunner
Registrant
swandive,
For what it's worth in saying so, your long reply doesn't surprise me at all. In fact, it's a very typical reaction.
At first there is a temptation to see abuse in very narrow terms. Then someone comes here and discovers what a huge and all-pervasive problem it is. The more you learn, the more appears from other directions and the more complications you discover. It's all just too much.
On top of that, things that you never figured out before suddenly start to make sense, but an absolutely terrible sense. It's horrifying.
But the fact is that one has to wade through all this in order to heal. All these things have to be acknowledged and dealt with; if we try to just stuff them back and ignore them, that means we continue to carry them in our lives.
Unload all you need to! That's part of what this site is for.
Much love,
Larry
For what it's worth in saying so, your long reply doesn't surprise me at all. In fact, it's a very typical reaction.
At first there is a temptation to see abuse in very narrow terms. Then someone comes here and discovers what a huge and all-pervasive problem it is. The more you learn, the more appears from other directions and the more complications you discover. It's all just too much.
On top of that, things that you never figured out before suddenly start to make sense, but an absolutely terrible sense. It's horrifying.
But the fact is that one has to wade through all this in order to heal. All these things have to be acknowledged and dealt with; if we try to just stuff them back and ignore them, that means we continue to carry them in our lives.
Unload all you need to! That's part of what this site is for.
Much love,
Larry
swandive,
You described how your boyfriend used to refuse to do something, like the paper that was due, in order to feel like he was in control. You've got to know that I have that in common with him. I hate it, and I've been working on it with my wife, trying to get some balance, and understand that just because she suggests something needs to be done does not mean she's trying to control me.
I was always a very meek and submissive child till sometime during the 4th grade when I found out how good it felt to get aggressive or simply refuse to do something. (I never put it together till just now, but that was the school year after I told taxi guy to keep his ____ing hands off me.) I developed this aggressive and obstinate streak which substituted all these years for my self confidence.
Anyhow, perhaps this can be one more piece of the puzzle for you. I think I've said this to you already in another post, but you cannot fix him. He has to want to genuinely seek fixing on his own before any progress will be made.
I wish you the best.
Lots of love,
John
You described how your boyfriend used to refuse to do something, like the paper that was due, in order to feel like he was in control. You've got to know that I have that in common with him. I hate it, and I've been working on it with my wife, trying to get some balance, and understand that just because she suggests something needs to be done does not mean she's trying to control me.
I was always a very meek and submissive child till sometime during the 4th grade when I found out how good it felt to get aggressive or simply refuse to do something. (I never put it together till just now, but that was the school year after I told taxi guy to keep his ____ing hands off me.) I developed this aggressive and obstinate streak which substituted all these years for my self confidence.
Anyhow, perhaps this can be one more piece of the puzzle for you. I think I've said this to you already in another post, but you cannot fix him. He has to want to genuinely seek fixing on his own before any progress will be made.
I wish you the best.
Lots of love,
John
swandive...
Yes it get's better. But it's a process. It's not a "take these pills" solution. It's not a write these poems or read these books, and you'll be all better by 3 weeks from next Tuesday.
It's a jouney...and some days will be better and some days will be worse.
Recovery is the process and healing is the goal. You will know he is better/cured when he is no longer acting out in negative ways, but coping in positive life and love affirming ways.
Blessings...
Yes it get's better. But it's a process. It's not a "take these pills" solution. It's not a write these poems or read these books, and you'll be all better by 3 weeks from next Tuesday.
It's a jouney...and some days will be better and some days will be worse.
Recovery is the process and healing is the goal. You will know he is better/cured when he is no longer acting out in negative ways, but coping in positive life and love affirming ways.
Blessings...
Swandive,
It doesn't get easier, just different. You reach a point where you're dealing and learning, so you don't necessarily cry at every post because you just can't. You come to know the people here and to care about them. Most times the posts are real heavy, then someone says something silly and you have a little fun before getting back to the business of dealing.
Sometimes you need to take a few days off to re-group or just to clear your head so that you can come back and learn more and check up on your friends.
The hardest part is what you address in your second post. Things that you never thought about before or that just didn't make sense about your b/f's behavior suddenly DO make sense. It makes your head spin and you want to scream to him, that you get it, or you're at least trying to. At this point, you may well "see" much more than he does. NOT telling him all of this is incredibly hard, but you have to be so cautious. Its almost like the more you know, the more you really dont know and the harder it seems to be.
Basically what I'm saying is that once the shock of this new and horrible facet of the world wears off, your brain adjusts and you learn to deal with the things you now know, to digest them and make room for more. We S/Os are at a great disadvantage when suddenly faced with this in that we havent had a lifetime to know about s/a; that, of course, is our great advantage as well - we didnt have to.
ROCK ON.........Trish
It doesn't get easier, just different. You reach a point where you're dealing and learning, so you don't necessarily cry at every post because you just can't. You come to know the people here and to care about them. Most times the posts are real heavy, then someone says something silly and you have a little fun before getting back to the business of dealing.
Sometimes you need to take a few days off to re-group or just to clear your head so that you can come back and learn more and check up on your friends.
The hardest part is what you address in your second post. Things that you never thought about before or that just didn't make sense about your b/f's behavior suddenly DO make sense. It makes your head spin and you want to scream to him, that you get it, or you're at least trying to. At this point, you may well "see" much more than he does. NOT telling him all of this is incredibly hard, but you have to be so cautious. Its almost like the more you know, the more you really dont know and the harder it seems to be.
Basically what I'm saying is that once the shock of this new and horrible facet of the world wears off, your brain adjusts and you learn to deal with the things you now know, to digest them and make room for more. We S/Os are at a great disadvantage when suddenly faced with this in that we havent had a lifetime to know about s/a; that, of course, is our great advantage as well - we didnt have to.
ROCK ON.........Trish
reality2k4
Registrant
SD,
I came here from Engand and thought I may not be accepted by another culture.
I was terrified to post, but did it and felt stronger just to post something about myself.
Survivors of CSA by default, do not trust to be listened to.
It is part of the inner silence a lot of us keep from loved ones over many years.
Truth is, we all thought we were the only one who went through the hurt of CSA,SA, but found that it we were never alone in this hurt.
It does help to share the hurt, but sometimes it can get too steep to listen to anothers' hurt.
I never could imagine what hurting a child could do, especially when we read so much hurt by those we are supposed to love,
ste
I came here from Engand and thought I may not be accepted by another culture.
I was terrified to post, but did it and felt stronger just to post something about myself.
Survivors of CSA by default, do not trust to be listened to.
It is part of the inner silence a lot of us keep from loved ones over many years.
Truth is, we all thought we were the only one who went through the hurt of CSA,SA, but found that it we were never alone in this hurt.
It does help to share the hurt, but sometimes it can get too steep to listen to anothers' hurt.
I never could imagine what hurting a child could do, especially when we read so much hurt by those we are supposed to love,
ste