Two Weeks and Counting...
It was two weeks ago that I had my "awakening" and my life is forever changed.
Since that time I have been on an emotional rollercoaster that is finally beginning to provide more good feelings than bad. Here are some things I would like to share/get off me chest:
1) I am very thankful that I was already in Alanon. The revelation/memories of incest blew me away, but it would have been worse if I wasn't involved with the 12 steps. My weekly group has also been helpful in allowing me to share, cry and feel like there is hope. There is also a woman in the group who has shared that she was subjected to SA as a kid as well. She has been open to talking with me and that has been helpful as well.
2) It is amazing how the memories come and go. Sometimes I think directly about the abuse and other times just about my mother and grandmother. At first I feel guilty about not talking to them, especially my grandmother, but then i think about all the madness that has come down the pike and it makes a lot of that guilt go away. Removing myself from their insanity is not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children.
3) I genuinely believe the only way through this is thorugh it. I need to go through this carwash of insanity and hope that i come out waxed and clean. I have not found a therapist and my experience with the local SA center has been horrendous. However between this board, my group and a sh!tload of reading I am in a pretty good position information wise.
4) Before this happened I was examining my life. I began to have desires for a simpler life and to finally allow my creative self to run free. I am sick of living my life in the f-ed up sales world, chasing a dollar that I have never saved. The price is not worth it. When this happened two weeks ago, I thought I would be thrown more off track than Howard Dean's campaign. However, this whole messed up thing has strengthened my position. I wasn't actively thinking about any of these issues and it really bothered me......and then....BAM this morining a boatload of things hit me. I realized that it was brewing inside of me.
5) Until two weeks ago I felt a lot of pain about my past and things that were robbed from me. Today I feel really sober about the idea that I can never go back. It has really sunk in. I always secretly wished I could go back and never really understood why i couldn't (physics aside). Now I know I can't go back. It hurts like a bitch, but I know in my heart of hearts that its true. I can really work on accepting my past losses and putting them to bed.
6) On the negative side, I have found myself really irritated by silly things and silly people. I need to get back to the idea of minding my own business and not being bothered by those who really shouldn't bother me. I am too snippy even with my wife and I need to calm that down.
Thanks for letting me post this. Thanks for having this board.
And for gods sake Mets fans have suffered enough, LET'S GO METS!!!
Since that time I have been on an emotional rollercoaster that is finally beginning to provide more good feelings than bad. Here are some things I would like to share/get off me chest:
1) I am very thankful that I was already in Alanon. The revelation/memories of incest blew me away, but it would have been worse if I wasn't involved with the 12 steps. My weekly group has also been helpful in allowing me to share, cry and feel like there is hope. There is also a woman in the group who has shared that she was subjected to SA as a kid as well. She has been open to talking with me and that has been helpful as well.
2) It is amazing how the memories come and go. Sometimes I think directly about the abuse and other times just about my mother and grandmother. At first I feel guilty about not talking to them, especially my grandmother, but then i think about all the madness that has come down the pike and it makes a lot of that guilt go away. Removing myself from their insanity is not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children.
3) I genuinely believe the only way through this is thorugh it. I need to go through this carwash of insanity and hope that i come out waxed and clean. I have not found a therapist and my experience with the local SA center has been horrendous. However between this board, my group and a sh!tload of reading I am in a pretty good position information wise.
4) Before this happened I was examining my life. I began to have desires for a simpler life and to finally allow my creative self to run free. I am sick of living my life in the f-ed up sales world, chasing a dollar that I have never saved. The price is not worth it. When this happened two weeks ago, I thought I would be thrown more off track than Howard Dean's campaign. However, this whole messed up thing has strengthened my position. I wasn't actively thinking about any of these issues and it really bothered me......and then....BAM this morining a boatload of things hit me. I realized that it was brewing inside of me.
5) Until two weeks ago I felt a lot of pain about my past and things that were robbed from me. Today I feel really sober about the idea that I can never go back. It has really sunk in. I always secretly wished I could go back and never really understood why i couldn't (physics aside). Now I know I can't go back. It hurts like a bitch, but I know in my heart of hearts that its true. I can really work on accepting my past losses and putting them to bed.
6) On the negative side, I have found myself really irritated by silly things and silly people. I need to get back to the idea of minding my own business and not being bothered by those who really shouldn't bother me. I am too snippy even with my wife and I need to calm that down.
Thanks for letting me post this. Thanks for having this board.
And for gods sake Mets fans have suffered enough, LET'S GO METS!!!