two survivors seek hope...

[hanginon]

Hello fellow survivors,
It has been over a year since I have posted. Many things have changed in my life since then, but I still struggle with issues of sexual addiction and abuse.

I recently met a man that I like very much - in just a few short weeks (almost two months now) we have covered a lot of territory about being gay in the US and (just barely) middled-aged looking for love and happiness next to another man.

Well, in the short time I've known him, I have learned that he, too, is a survivor of incest with his brother, just like me.

I am curious if anyone has any insight as to whether or not two gay survivors of the same sort of incestual background can help each other or not. I am finding the experience rewarding in so far as there is a tremendous amount of UNDERSTANDING of each other's impulses.

BUT I also know that we can, on the turn of a dime, trigger each other and make things very volatile. Does anyone have any insight? How "fragile" is this type of relationship? Is it inherently stronger?

Thanks for any help!

Best,
John

 

[abcd]

Hello Hanginon,

Interesting post, and while my "better half" and I are not incest survivors, we are survivors of sexual abuse. The interesting thing about it is that we dealt with our abuse in similar ways in some ways, but totally different in other ways. In the end, it has indeed been a blessing.

I guess what I'm saying is that, it certainly can be a benefit to have someone be able to empathize with you. Furthermore, as you will probably realize, no matter how similar you may seem, you will likely have dealt with the experiences in slightly different ways (as you both have your own set of OTHER experiences, family, friends, jobs, etc.,)--that is something that will help I think...almost like an at-home group therapy. One thing I will caution is that you both not dwell on the abuse TOO much, to the point that it is the ONLY thing in your relationship...not that it's a bad thing, but sometimes if too people are down, they can really suck the life out of each other even more.

I guess the bottom of line is that while it may not be "inherently" better, it certainly can be...it just depends on how you both treat it. In the grand scheme of things though, just having someone you love (abused or not), is a great thing in itself. Thus, that should "inherently" serve as some comfort.