Two steps forward....ten steps back.

Two steps forward....ten steps back.
L

lucentny

Registrant
Okay, the past several months can only be described as pure hell both for me and my ex-bf survivor. He went through a phase of making me persona non grata and then trying to inch back to talking with me and including me in his life. He has been in therapy now for a couple of months. Sigh. I feel totally and utterly emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. Depressed.

I know he is on an emotional rollercoaster. He feels shitty and awful about himself and then acts out accordingly to reinforce this negative self-image he has and unfortunately decides to use me as an emotional dumping ground for all his anger, pain, depression, etc. He yells at me, starts arguments for no apparent reason, etc.etc.etc. I've had enough. I've given up on him.

The final straw came this past weekend and I spent Sunday night at his place which I know probably was a HUGE mistake. I've been feeling extra low, extra emotionally needy because I was recently laid off from my job....so worried about keeping afloat financially now as well as emotionally and I REALLY needed him to be there for me and he isn't there for me. Big surprise. We end of having sex Sunday night and Monday morning when he gets up to go to work I ask him if it's okay if I sleep in an hour or two (since I don't have a job to go to) and I'll make sure he gets his apt keys back during the day. He says "no way" and informs me while he is taking his shower that I have 10 minutes to get dressed and leave his apt. I felt degraded, used, and there he was casually getting dressed for work telling me I'd better hurry. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about the whole thing again. He knows that I'm in an emotionally fragile place given all the crap that he has put me through AND the fact I've lost my job. He was so cold. Strange. He said he doesn't trust me with his keys!?!??? He said he doesn't trust that I'd return them to him. (once again going back to his SERIOUS trust issues he has with women)Totally irrational.

I've had enough. I've tried my best and only gotten emotional abuse back from him. I feel used. I sent an email to him letting him know I've given up. Thanks for all your support and advice that many of you have so kindly offered, but I really can't stand to be around someone so emotionally damaging.....I feel a mixture of tremendous GUILT and sadness.....like I have failed someone (him), but I simply see no other alternative than to really say goodbye.
 
Goodbye is too "nice:" How about GO &$^# YOURSELF!!!

You know - there are soooo many other ways he could have CHOSEN to handle this. Instead, he CHOSE to re-enact the abuse by passing it on to you & rubbing your face in it. Great. Isn't it nice to share.

You know what? A hideous past is NO excuse for stepping over the line to become an abuser: and make no mistake about it - this WAS abusive!!!! This was cruel, sadistic, & vengeful.

I hope your anger will help you heal faster.

:mad: :mad: :mad:
 
All I can give you are a bunch of giant hugs.

I spent the weekend at a girls cottage weekend and came back to the same type of crap from my fiance.. he was all weird and triggered because hed spent the week with his mother (his parents came up unbeknownst to me).... I wound up even getting physically hurt in out fight on sunday night.

His yelling and closed-down-pouty-attitude triggered something seriously needy in me and I started begging him to "hold me, to love me" and then apparently in neediness I triggered his whole abuse experience and he freaked out and wrestled me onto a bed forcefully, and I got arm bruises.. Happy fucking month before my wedding to me.

(((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) to you

This whole shit fucking sucks. I dont know how to stop it anymore.

I dont know what else I can do to prove to the guy that a) i'm not his mother an b) I'm not the guy who molested him and c) I would NEVER do anything even remotely close to what those two people did to him.

I think you're probably right to stay away from your ex. Its tempting to go back because you're feeling low and fragile but I think this guy will only take you down from where you'd be if you were dealing with this totally on your own.

Find some good girlfriends, lean on them. I'm sure they'll be more supportive than this guy will be for a long time.. maybe ever.

And PLEASE dont blame yourself for going back to him and having this happen. Dont start beating up on yourself for that. It's something that I probably would have done if I was in your shoes.

You're only human and you were feeling low and you thought that he'd be supportive. The only crime you've committed was being a trusting human being.

I wish we all lived in the same city and we could all go for a weekend at a cottage together or something. There's something so healing about a weekend with "the girls". We could be our own "safe place" when our guys and our lives are not so safe. I guess we'll have to rely on the "virtual cottage" for now.

P
 
Hey PAS - At least 2 of us are in NYC.... you have an open invitation ANY time!

How about a nice walk along the beach, Lucent????

Hugs to all!
 
Hi LucentNY!

You did not deserve this but I have seen what you just experienced. It sucks but it is not unusual. PAS is right, it may go on indefinitely. In the meantime, you have a life to lead and not in this kind of an abusive state.

I have been through a similar exercise you describe. I got off the rollercoaster. Last time I was asked for some distance almost immediately after he could not do enough to keep me around, I found myself happy to oblige. Then I found that initially, it was hard to stick to it (I am managing though.)

I see it as a good sign. There is no reason to hang around and wait for the abuse to become an addiction in my life and cause lack of self esteem. I do expect a man in his forties to be accountable for his behavior.

You have to look after yourself! You have to set boundaries and stick to them. I am this came about at the time when you lost your job.

One positive side effect of this experience: when he ever complains to me about how "no one treats him well", it will be very difficult for me to muster much sympathy.

Best of luck to you! Hold on to your sanity; you deserve better!
 
Originally posted by kolisha54:
Hey PAS - At least 2 of us are in NYC.... you have an open invitation ANY time!

How about a nice walk along the beach, Lucent????

Hugs to all!
Click to expand...
I have seriously given this a lot of thought.. a few times over. Hopefuly if we got together it be more than just bonding in pain...

I cant see me having too much time to travel for a few months though...

P
 
Lucent,

PAS is right when she says "find yourself some girlfriends." But it doesn't have to be girlfriends, it could be anything healthy that makes you feel comforted and less alone.

Especially if you have just been laid off, I know it will be hard, but get yourself up and out of the house, find things to do that are not about your ex or your problems or anything. Take a walk, it's free and good for you.

You haven't failed him, or yourself. You can forgive the both of you. That being said, I think it is a good idea to keep your distance for now. It seems that both of you need something that the other one is not able or willing to provide.

Take care of yourself,
SAR
 
Thanks to everyone for your kind words. I actually think there is something really wrong with me....I can't seem to pull it together and am an emotional wreck. I'll just sit and sob everyday....feel desperate and broken. I hate every aspect of my life, and myself.

I sit here knowing that my ex-bf is able to joke around, laugh with friends and co-workers, and he doesn't seem to give a shit about me and what I'm going through b/c as he said in his own words, "he isn't capable of loving anyone or anything." Yet, what he is capable of is being "fun-loving" around friends. He is capable of "pretending" to be okay and go out for drinks and function well at work. Interesting dichotomy, eh? I wished that he viewed me as a friend....since he able to readily meet them and be sociable with them, but not me....

I too so wish that we could all meet for a girls weekend and vent....no one knows what is going on (for obvious reasons I don't discuss his abuse with anyone). Thank you to everyone for being there for me and offering support...it really means so, so, so much to me.

Kolisha....I'd love to meet you....I'm such a wreck right now though you'd probably be mortified to meet such a wreck. I'll PM you later...
 
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