Two of me...

Two of me...
S

Sick Puppy

Registrant
I don't really know how to explain this. It wasn't always like this...

But inside of me, there's me, and then this little kid. He is me, too, but at a younger age. It's not just an "inner child" or something... he's like a seperate person in the same body. He can come out and talk to people, and I black out in those times and he controls my body. He lives in this little yellow room inside my head...

It wasn't always like this. It used to just be me in here, and sometimes I would regress to a younger age... but now it's me and him sharing a body. I can "send him out" if I want to, and sometimes he comes out on his own... when he comes out, when he takes control, I go away. It's like I fall asleep...

The kid me is a person. He can make his own memories. He met my friends and remembers them... he draws pictures for them. He even has a New Mommy, who is my friend Danny's girlfriend... I'm happy for him, but worried for me, I guess.

My close friends know about it, but nobody else. I don't want to be crazy...
 
Hey that's not crazy at all. There are many people who have found they have more than one of themselves. And they describe them as having their own rooms to live in.
 
s.p.,
i am not a licensed professional but it sounds as though you may have discovered one of the more intense coping strategies some survivors develop. the one thing i hope you accept is that this does not indicate you are "crazy", quite the contrary as a matter of fact. the word "crazy" implies psychosis. an alter is not an halucinatory voice seemingly located outside of one's self (one definition of psychotic episode). an alter is a genuine personality within the birth personality but is typically limited to a certain age that is contingent on the event that served to conceive the alter. i have known several survivors who have developed alters and they range (the alters) in age from 3 to 50's with the birth personality in the 20's and 30's. you are not crazy by any stretch. if you can, i strongly suggest you find a qualified therapist to determine if this is the case. if it is then you can utilize that info for a much better approach in therapy. take care, and relay my best to the little one.
 
Hi Josh,

It is good to hear from you. Are you sure that this little guuy is not your inner child? It sounds like it is. I will send you a beautiful reflection one of our brothers here did with his little guy. I think it might be of help to you.

Take care Josh! It is good to see you here.

Bob
 
Well, I really don't think he is just an inner child. He can take control of the body completely, and talk to people, make friends, learn new things, etc... I don't think most inner children are that extreme. It's like another personality, as if I had MPD, except that it only developed recently.
 
Josh
I might be wrong or on the wrong track here, but before I started my recovery, and in the early stages, I could dissasociate with my 'other David' to a degree where he was seemingly in control.
It was one of my survivlal methods and I'm grateful for it.

I think that now he's become my inner child, the young David, and he's acting his age, enjoying 'my' company, feeling safe and 'living' in a safe place.
When I meet him now he's doing normal young David stuff, in the places I enjoyed safety. Not 'doing sex' in the shithole that was my school.

I hope young Josh find his peace, I think he will because you're working hard to find that safe place for him.

Dave
 
Hi Josh,

I'm a member of another survivor forum where the things you are experiencing are considered quite normal. Rather than being called multiple personalities today its called Dissociative Identity Disorder or DID. Think the name change is due to a recognition that its based in disociation by the same personality. Not exactly sure.

I don't think it means you're crazy though, its a coping mechanism.

Hope you are feeling ok,

Aaron
 
Josh,

Check out the International Society for the Study of Dissociation's website: issd.org.

You're not crazy. As Aaron said, you probably have DID. There are others at MS who have or have had it. It responds very well to good therapy.

Mary
 
Josh,

We have had a few discussions here of things like this recently. I will caution you to work with a therapist before trying to diagnose yourself. Everyone dissociates to some degree or another, and survivors tend to use dissociation more than most. Still, DID is a more extreme use of dissociation than even most survivors employ(ed). That's not good or bad in itself, but the effects of using dissociation after the abuse is over can be detrimental (to say the least) to one's quality of life.Thanks,

Joe
 
I really don't think it is DID, though, because I have known people with that, and I know it only develops during childhood... but whatever this is has developed recently.
 
Has something happened recently that might have led to the young Josh emerging?

Because I experienced disassociative episodes from a very young age, I took the experience for granted and it wasn't until I began to see a good therapist with experience working with abused children that I began to see it as something my brain was doing to help me cope. Before that I thought of myself as crazy and didn't talk about it, the craziness feeling.

Brett
 
Originally posted by Brayton:
Has something happened recently that might have led to the young Josh emerging?

Because I experienced disassociative episodes from a very young age, I took the experience for granted and it wasn't until I began to see a good therapist with experience working with abused children that I began to see it as something my brain was doing to help me cope. Before that I thought of myself as crazy and didn't talk about it, the craziness feeling.

Brett
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I don't know really. Ever since I was little, when bad things were happening to me, I would leave the world and go to this little room inside my head... and no matter how old I was, I would always be a little child there... but now it's like that child part of myself has broken off. He lives in the room now, and when I go in there, I am an adult.

I don't know what could have made the split happen, except maybe just exploring/talking about my abuse...
 
It is okay Josh, and I have to believe it not crazy, since I do same. But it is not of my control. I have three 'others' from what friends tell me, and am not aware of them or when they be 'out', just know later that I lose of myself again. One of the 'others' is a child, and it seems he come up front when I get more scared or upset. It is not of my control or awareness still, and I fear being 'crazy' also. But others here tell me, crazy person would not question themself to be crazy. I hope that in time you gain more knowledge of yourself, all yourself, and accept all 'parts' as pieces of you, and valuable. I wish you luck.

leosha
 
I... kind of feel a resentment for this child...

I mean... it's my body. It's mine. It's my time and my body and why should he have a right to it? I spent such a long time without control over what was done to my body... and when I finally get that control, I am supposed to just hand it over to this little brat kid inside of me?

And I'm sort of jealous, too. He can still love freely. He is so innocent despite what has been done to him... he is delighted by the smallest things. He has a "new mommy" and he loves her and draws pictures for her and gets really excited whenever she is around. He gets to feel loved, to fill up that empty space... he gets to have memories of a good mother... but what about me? What about my emptiness? What about my longing for a mother that loved me?

But I am too old... I can't have a New Mommy and draw her pictures and cuddle with her like a child. I can't do that. He can, but he isn't me... and I feel so jealous and angry... :(
 
__________________________________________________

but he isn't me... and I feel so jealous and angry...
__________________________________________________

Dear SP,

You are wrong. He is you, and you are him. He is the part of you that is able to enjoy life. Maybe if you learn to love him, you will also learn to feel the joy that he feels. You are not too old. You are the same age he is, and he is the same age you are. He only seems to be a child. He isn't really. But he really does feel like a child.

My best wishes to you,
Mary
 
I'm no expert, I really wish I was, but something inside me tells me that nobody is EVER "too old" to get their needs met. I think the trick is finding someone willing to meet them. You're not exactly "over the hill" yet anyway!

Your needs are just as valid and important as anyone else's, and you're worth just as much.

I agree with Mary, he IS you! I bet he's not really a brat either. :) Maybe "reclaiming" your "rights" to him--or to Be him--instead of trying to get rid of him would help you feel less resentful? More complete? That part of you really wants to be fulfilled, and you deserve it.

Lynn
 
Maybe he isn't trying to take control of your life. Maybe he is just trying to point out to you what you have been missing -- so you can find all those wonderful things for yourself. Maybe he chooses to remain little because it is easier for him to fit in someone's lap as a child.
Jeff [/QB]
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This is so true, I think. I hadn't thought of those within being guides to insights that help me understand myself better and yet this is what has happened as I continue with recovery.

There is a dark little child within me. Sometimes we stand next to one another. We both look out in the same direction, not at one another. He has no eyes, no mouth. He is about the size of a four year old. He wears a dark stiff shroud, like stiffened canvas from his neck to the ground. He is the saddest thing I know.

And yet he is something to focus on. I want to reach him, be his friend, give him sight, provide him with a voice.

Brett.
 
It is alright Josh, maybe is frightening, and may feel crazy, but I must believe it is not since I turn into 'others.' From what friends have told me and what I see on instant messages later, I have two that my friends have officially 'met' but according to them I have even more 'others.' I have no control over when it happens or why it happens, I just know that when it happens I "lose time" and don't remember it, I don't know the 'others' and I didn't know I actually had real 'others' until just recently, but it ould explain why people say at times I am not myself. It is not crazy, it is a defense mechanism, the brain protecting us and our sanity from the terrors we have experienced and relive. I know may not help much, but it is not crazy, may feel like it, I feel like it in fact, but it is not crazy, it is a way for our brains to protect us.

scott
 
Hi...
it doesn't sound like you are going crazy to me. It seems like there is a little you that was quashed and is now speaking out and - seemingly - creating relationships that he really needs. Don't be too harsh with yourself...

Check out the DID thing... As I move through life I see more and more people who create entirely different personas in order to speak things their other self might not allow.

Be safe with him, and if he needs a mother, sounds okay and good to me.

blessings from Asher
 
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