Twisted...

Twisted...
W

Whicker

Registrant
I have always known that my genitals were mutilated. It took two times during my childhood to complete the 'Act'.
I had forgotten about being sexually abused as a child, then again, as a young adult, until four years ago this month.
I have seen so many Dr.'s. Attended 'Group' Therapy, private counseling (till my Therapist retired, since then I've been left on my own), till two years ago.
I lost my 9 year job/career when I was hospitalized four years ago with the memories such horrors brought to my conscience (the SA).

I have been with my SoulMate for the past 11 years. We have not been intimate for the past four, since the memories returned. She was blessedly forgiving regarding my 'mutilation', and we did enjoy a sexual relationship.

No more.

I am almost never sexually aroused anymore.
When I am, it involves the abuse/trauma that I endured, and I can only find release privately, the horrible, shameful feelings foremost in my mind.

I am broken, and do not know how to heal...

I cannot bear the shame and humiliation of what happened to me. My 'PDoc' is only concerned with the current medicine(s) that he is prescribing, though they have never helped me.

I am so close to giving up...

Please, help me?

Whicker
 
Whicker,

I am so sorry to hear that these things happened to you. All your feelings of trauma are of course to be expected; it is a natural inclination for us, as men, to see our sexual parts as somehow expressing who we are, and I can just imagine how this compounds your reactions to recovering the memories of your abuse.

One thing I see right away is that you have a good relationship with a woman who loves you and that until you recovered your memories there was a fulfilling sexual dimension to your relationship. To me, as a non-expert, that suggests that your problem really lies in how you are feeling about the abuse and mutilation more than in the physical damage itself.

I see you have been in therapy, without real results, but could I suggest that you get back into it? Different therapists have different approaches, and perhaps you were just not in a program that was meeting your needs.

Above all, try to remember that the shame and humiliation you feel are all about things that someone else did. They are the shame of those who would harm innocent children and young people. A good therapist will help you find ways to throw off this burden of someone else's shame and can help you find ways to reclaim the life you had in the past, and indeed, one even better. It is very difficult, yes, but don't give up. Every time that happens, the abusers who wanted to hurt and control us win again.

Much love,
Larry
 
Whicker
I am almost never sexually aroused anymore.
When I am, it involves the abuse/trauma that I endured, and I can only find release privately, the horrible, shameful feelings foremost in my mind.
Click to expand...
One thing I try to do for myself is get rid of the 'guilt and shame' that connects my abuse with anything sexual I do as an adult, like using porn and masturbating which I still do sometimes.
But I reason that millions of unmolested men are also doing it and probably feel ok about it, so why should I feel any different?

I know it'e easier than it sounds, and it's something I have to admit I'd rather not do.
But the guilt and shame isn't mine, and it never was. One of the seemingly inevitable things we do as survivors is associate ALL sex with our childhood abuse, and that abuse was done TO us.
However, abusers lay their guilt and shame on US.

They use phrases like "you're really enjoying this aren't you?" that make us believe we're willing.
When we become older we begin to see that they lied, but the guilt and shame are firmly within us by then, and we begin to associate all sex, however loving, with that guilt and shame.

It doesn't belong to us, and the more we manage to escape from it the better sex becomes.

Dave
 
Whicker,

Please never give up. Your soulmate loves you for who you are. Love yourself. You are not responsible for the horrible things you had to endure. Your perp is totally responsible. Listen to Larry and Dave. They make much more sense than I do. Dave's response even helped me!

Take care of yourself, Whicker. PM any time if you like. Don't know how much help I can be, but I can listen (read) well. Just don't allow yourself to suffer with these feelings alone. Your genitals do not make you.

I don't know what medication you are on, Whicker, but there are many meds out there that diminish sexual desire. If your doctor won't listen to your concerns, get another one! YOU are paying HIM. If he isn't doing his job, and listening is part of his job, kick him to the curb.
 
Thank you all for replying.

Larry,

Recovering the memories of the abuse has been devastating. It has destroyed my ability to focus and remember anything, and eventually led to the loss of my career. I still suffer from the PTSD and severe depression it has spawned, and have not been able to secure another position, since.
I have tried therapy a few times, and though I honestly wanted to see good results, have to admit it really did me no good. Well, talking with 'Al' helped (One-on-One Therapy), as he was a personable guy who had a lot of insight and compassion that no one else has shown. But, as such things come to pass, he retired, and the 'County' did not replace him.

What keeps eating-away at me is that I literally 'asked for' it, sorta. As a child, I wanted to know what my teenage 'Friend' had done to my (younger) Sister to make her cry so hard. Well, he 'showed me'. I cried too. I still do, feeling him on/behind me. Damn near thirty-one years ago, but I can still feel the grains of sand between my clenched hands as he molested me on that dry desert streambed.
As a young adult, I was just out of Active Duty with the Marines (what the hell did "I" have to fear, eh?), when I was lured into a 'Party' by a trio of strangers. (The saying, "Don't take candy/go with Strangers" keeps replaying in my mind from my earliest childhood teachings). They had a 'Party' alright. I was it.

"It is very difficult, yes, but don't give up. Every time that happens, the abusers who wanted to hurt and control us win again."

That is, literally, the only thing that is keeping me alive, now. I cannot hope to avenge myself upon those who hurt me so severely. Too much time and distance has passed now.
Though my relationship with my SoulMate is strained, I still have mine own 'Family' to turn towards during this terrible hurting/healing process, and can only hope that will be enough.

I fear, mostly, having failed myself (common sense should've prevailed!), I will now only fail her/them...

Dave,

So much Wisdom in your reply!

I can no longer separate 'Sex' from the abuse. Anything relating to physical/mental sensuality slams me right back to the episodes of disgust and terror.
Shame is such a strong, almost (to me, right now), unbreakable hold that my past holds, that I cannot see past it most of the time.
How to surmount it? How to push/shove it back, into my Past, where it belongs? I do not know how.

FLRich,

Thanks for backing-up Larry and Dave. I agree that they have given good advice/insight.

I have been on so many different medications over these past four years that I can't stand it, anymore. The only thing that helped, at the onset, was 'Xanax', but when I discovered just how addicting it was/is, I dropped it like the bad habit it was going to become.

I have no medical coverage anymore. Not since I was fired from my job. I have had to rely, instead, upon 'County' (free) medical aid, which, I have to say, just hasn't proved to be good enough.

FT,

On 'Giving up':

I don't want to. That is why I visit 'here', to read and try to gain from the strength of others. To 'Share' in the continued battle that is waged against such horrible things that have happened.

*sigh*

This time of year is always so difficult for me, be it from the 'Anniversary' of the memories returning, or I don't know what.
I am not strong enough yet to get back out there and provide for myself and my Family. I am loosing my long-standing relationship with my SoulMate, because of my terrible depression/PTSD, though God knows she has been as supportive as I could ever hope for.
I am still so,,,, ENRAGED,,,, that I cannot even sleep at night, tossing-and-turning, reliving each and every horrible moment...

I thank you all, for replying. It has given me the chance to vent a little, and to be bolstered-up by your support.

Whicker
 
Whicker--I am relatively new here myself, and doubt I could pass as much advise and wisdom on to you as the others here can. But one of the pervaying feelings here is one of togetherness. No one on this site has to be alone. Personally, I always thought the idea of a bunch of men hugging and clapping each other on the back as silly, like a big church meeting with everybody happy to be praising a diety together that none of them can see.

It's not so silly a thought, now. The "hugs" I have gotten here have been heartfelt and helpful. The encouragement I got was surprising; I was looking for advise on how best to help my stepson, whom also was abused. Instead, I got a bunch of people seeing right thru the bravado and telling me I needed help, too.

If you are getting help that is not helping, it is time to move on to a new doctor.

There are so many good things in this world, and so much of it out-weighs the bad. The hard thing is raising your head above the murk to see it all. I have to give myself happy things to look forward to, which is difficult, especially since my defense is sarcasm and cynisism. We do not have a lot of money, but there is so much you do not need money for. Go hiking with the Sierra Club(I used to live in Sherman Oaks, I know California!), go to the beach, visit a ghost town, hell, get all excited about a TV show that comes on once a week and plan a night around it.

Lots of things sound silly. Lots of things sound like they would never work for you, personally. Until you do them. Facing the past is a daunting task, but it is easier if you know that by doing so, you can re-write your future.

Good luck to you, friend.
 
I agree, you are just catching up to what most of us have felt over many years. Everyones story is unique. Everyones surviving is unique. Somehow we all still have something in common. We know what it is like to be alone in a room of people, what it feels like when all avenues seem useless. Give yourself some time to come to an understanding. I don't see a way any of us could deal with surviving without the pain. It's not fair, not at all, but its there nonetheless. Don't be afraid, we will wait with you.
 
Thank You for replying Happenstance and Fozzy-Bear.

I've never felt good in talking before people, squared to the nth degree if they're strangers.
To talk about such horrible things as what happened is simply beyond me.
I suppose that is one of the great things about the 'Net, and in particular, Male Survivor's anonymity. It should help prevent 'Stage Fright'?

Thanks, again...

Whicker
 
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