TV shows about abuse: Entertainment?

TV shows about abuse: Entertainment?
G

Grunty1967b

Registrant
My wife and I have started watching a TV series thats now on DVD called Without a Trace. Many of you may have seen it. I like good cop shows and mysteries but with this series you need to be careful; well if you are sensitive to child abuse you need to be careful.

Ive found several episodes (were watching a whole seasons worth) do involve missing children. After the second such episode I learnt to avoid watching the entire episode if the story revolved around a missing child. Its all too distressing.

Whats my point to this post? One episode was about a college teen boy missing. It seemed like a normal missing person episode but about half way through it then changed to sexual abuse. That was it for me. As a survivor of child male sexual abuse this is not the kind of TV viewing I want to see. I hardly call it entertainment. My wife and I stopped the DVD player and turned off the TV.

Later on I discover that my wife resumed watching THAT episode. This is what upsets me. She knows about my abuse and how it affects me and us. She knows it was not good viewing for me and agreed to turn it off. Why then did she go and watch it later. Does she consider that childhood abuse ranks as entertainment?

I guess I would have wanted her to have the same views as me. This is horrible stuff that happens and shouldnt be classified as entertainment for those that are survivors or family of survivors. I see merit in the general public being exposed to the fact that it happens and TV can be a great way to educate and get the message out there. To those unaffected by abuse I can understand its just another TV episode albeit about a tragic topic.

For victims and their families surely ones list of acceptable entertainment would naturally change wouldnt it? Would a recovering alcoholic love it if the family kept boozing up in front of them all the time? For the sake of the recovering alcoholic could the family change their drinking habits? Would they naturally change their views on alcohol? I would tend to think so.

No, I havent discussed this with my wife. I dont want to get into what she should and shouldnt do just because of my views. My whole point is that I would have thought she would have had a natural dislike for this sort of stuff now also because of who shes married to (me).

To give another illustration: She is Jewish by birth, although not practising. Im not. I never really gave much thought about what horrible things happened during the Holocaust. Now that I have a greater affinity or connection. I have very different views and Im very intolerant of any whitewashing or downplaying about the Holocaust or other anti-Jew behaviour.

My attitudes changed on Jews. Why havent hers seemed to on child sexual abuse? Is it still entertainment?
 
ipersonally i think it was enough that she waited to watch the rest of it when she was alone. Maybe she thought it would give her insight into your world? or maybe she was just curious to see the outcome, hoping she wouuld see the bad guys caught? You'll have to ask her, or u could just chalk it up to her watching a show.Try not reading so much into it, i am sure you have watched a movie or show about the holocaust. are movies like Schindlers List entertainment? that's a matter of opinion, but it is also based on facts? Good luck just my 2cents..
Peace
 
My wife watches CSI, which I think is a terrible, disgusting show. I have confronted her about it and she says she likes it because it takes her mind off things for a while. Different strokes for different folks I guess.
 
i think the public in general watch this stuff cause they think well it only happens on tv ,law and order s u v ,is really triggery ,but maybe it does make people aware that abuse happens ,something that really bothered me recently ,and it shows that news people will do anything for a big headline ,near where i live now an 18 year old kid accidently shot himself in the families kitchen ,it happened right in front of his 14 year old sister as he lay dying on the floor she called 911,for the next three days every news show played the tape of that little girl calling 911,it was the most heartbreaking thing i ever heard ,although i turned it off as soon as they started playing it ,it was sick and wrong for them to put that out for the public ,and people wewre downloading it to listen to it ,these are the so called normal people? they wanted to hear it ,i think it was the most thoughtless thing ever ,why do people get a kick out of listening to anothers unimagineable pain?the family should sue the news people and the 911 people for ever letting this out at all.it says a lot about the so called normmals . i e mailed the tv station but got no reply
 
sorry the show is law and order svu ,special victims unit .
 
I am careful of putting too much emphasis on the word entertainment. We equate it with hilarity and humor. Much of TV and film is anything but humor and hilarity. I know many screen writers and for the most part, they are very aware of the power they have to raise social consciousness. Knowing only a bit about the show, I can almost definitely assure you that the topic of male sex abuse was not a point of humor, but was probably used to raise social consciousness about the problem.
I think Junyah's point about your wife watching the show alone was a total sign of respect for your feelings. She most likely wanted to see how the topic was handled and what the outcome was. I really doubt she sat there laughing at it.
As survivors, we all tend to project our feelings onto others. Your feelings about seeing that show are going to be very different from your wife's or even mine. One further guess, is that she probably wanted to see what she could learn from it to understand you better. Just a guess.
We all tend to take offence when none is intended. Don't feel devalued because your wife is able to watch something you can't.
Take care
Paul
 
I would have always had great difficulties watching something like that, as I'm a very sensitive person but after we had kids, that was it for me, I just can't watch anything like that at all. That was before my bf disclosed. There have been times when difficult(though minor) things like this have come up on a program we've been watching and it has seemed to me, that it bothers me more than him......there's got to be a lot of personal differences in this way. It certainly won't have been 'entertainment' for your wife. She may be a very strong/resilient person in her mind and be able to tolerate difficult things like this. Perhaps she did feel she could learn something from it....I suppose there are some people who, even after their own personal experiences, are interested(if that's the right word) to learn more. Like educating themselves if you like. My mum always seems to read books/choose films which i find far too mentally distressing to have in my mind. There are things I could watch on TV, which my bf can't. Also, he seems to find humour in some of the jokes on Southpark(the gay/abuse ones), which I just cannot find funny and it astounds me that they amuse him! So, there you go! I guess it's all personal.....


Hope that helps some,

peace
Beccy
 
The only thing I can think of is that she is maybe trying to envision what happened to you, in case you haven't told her the details. For those of us who have never been touched by csa it is hard to imagine... I knwo I have only my imagination for most of my husband's abuse b/c he told me only of one incident and I don't know if it was a continuing deal (probably was) or not or what else it involved, etc. Maybe she thought she could learn something about it from tv, maybe she just wants to be in your world so she can understand more or something...I don't know really. I myself cannot watch shows about little kids getting hurt b/c I am a mother now. Interestingly my husband finds references to incest in a comedy show very funny. The only thing I can think is that it must be comic relief for him for some reason....like maybe it happened to him and he'd rather laugh than cry about it. I'm still wondering about that one.

I think you should tell her it bothered you a little. She may not have realized that at all. She needs to know. If she truly wants to be close to you or know about your world, she needs to know you were hurt by it.
 
First rule is this, dont watch it, it is fictional and untrue.
We have a similar show here, and child abuse seems to be a big pull for the punters.

I watched one episode, and it knocked me sick to think, that this is what it is about.
They totally twist fact into their fictional world, and nobody is any the wiser.

I am,

ste
 
Grunty,

In my house I am the one who can't watch that sort of stuff and my partner seems totally desensitized to it. Honestly I think it is terrible and I leave the room too. My belief is that depictions of violence and cruelty are like drugs where people build up a tolerance to them-- and next time you turn on the TV you need something more sickening and shocking to make people sit through the commercials, or buy the book or whatever. It is slow poison.

It is a bit hard not to get self righteous about it. Of course I am sure that my friend the personal trainer has similar strong feelings about how I am poisoning myself with coffee and sugar, and he manages to be graceful with me.
 
I can watch this stuff without any significant problems, documentaries have some triggering impact on me though, but I can still sit through them.

Perhaps I have a high tolerance to being shocked, I even watched footage of a plane crash at an air display that showed some horrific carnage in close up the other night, it wasn't anything that gave me any pleasure or kick, and I did click the mouse to exit it before it finished. But it was something that I accept as being real, I know it happens, so I will look out of some kind of curiosity rather than a morbid 'need' to see this stuff.
And I treat books the same way, I'll read very graphic and disturbing stuff in novels and non fiction.

I guess some of us can, and others can't.
It might be something as simple as a good story line that she wanted to see the conclusion of, or she might have wanted to see the end to maybe learn a bit more about 'our' situation?

Dave
 
There are times I can and times I can't watch!!Especially Law & Order:SVU. When I come home at night, my family might be watching that show. I will look and can determine if I'll be okay or not. If I have had a day or days of CSAV disclosures, I'm a little raw for the emotions it evokes. HOWEVER, many of the episodes are watched by other clinicians/psychiatrists with whom I work and it provides a good opportunity to instruct/share with them about the traumas of sexual abuse. POSSIBLE TRIGGER!!! POSSIBLE TRIGGER!!!!!

There was one L&O:SUV about an athletic coach who saved his victims baseball caps in a closet (about 150). My colleagues were surprised the story could actually be based on facts. Our discussion were long and intense with their questions. What an opportunity!!

I can empathize however with how a TV show including Sexual Abuse in it's scripts can personally affect survivors!!

Howard
 
Its fantasy, purely that. Anybody can write a story, but none of the episodes show the true harm done.

They dont show what the kids would really go through, and how they are treated by cops and social services, nor the lack of help by all involved.

Then the soaps pick up on it, and make an even worse job, give us a break, and then what the kids go through acting these parts, I cannot imagine.

Leave the fiction out, go with the fact or not at all,

ste
 
i have to weigh in on this - personally i don't care for law enforcement shows as they do always seem to be one-sided, full of bias from a gender, race, even status-quo perspective.

however, all that said, considering the times we are in now and what would have been on tv even just a decade ago, well, csa in general would have been brought up in an entirely different manner altogether, if at all.

i remember one ground-breaking tv show "all in the family" maybe some of you recall it - they actually had not one but at leat 2 different episodes focusing on men raping women - one about gloria and one where edith was the central character. it was unbelievable - people talked about it everywhere, it was a pivotal moment in television. they brought up a lot of previously-untalked about subjects - but to my recollection, i don't think csa was ever one of them.

what tv and film often portray is a reflection of how society actually is, rather than being truthful, it is more on the border of how people actually see things, what they believe, misperceptions as well as reality.

additionally, there is always a conscious attempt behind-the-scenes to portray certain events in a style designed to perpetuate certain ideals, however honest (or dishonest) they may be. this may serve the greater good in some ways (bringing the topic of csa in the open) but not so much in others (downplaying the long term damage)

for those of us who are not survivors of csa, but know someone who is, watching these stories on tv or in film can only offer a modicum of learning but do serve to reinforce that, like the survivors in our lives, we are not alone in being effected.

for others who may know a survivor but not be aware of it, at the very least it is bringing up the subject in an open manner. for survivors who have not yet disclosed and may not even be dealing with their trauma (yet) it may, indeed, set off serious triggering and emotional upheaval. how the writers portray the characters is a complicated set of editorial knowledge, discretion and ability.

however, the bottom line has got to be this: bringing a once-taboo subject into mainstream discussion where it can be dealt with, perpetrators can be stopped, damaged can be minimized and healing can begin.

point to note: when one of you survivors can see an episode about csa that is so far-fetched you can't believe what you are watching - it is proof that the topic of csa is truly becoming mainstream because even someone who doesn't understand it will speak of it.

at that point, it is time for those who can speak of it in an intelligent fashion to do so, write letters to the program, station, local newpaper editors, etc.

finally, i don't think you want to even get into any sort of "why she/he will watch that when don't they know how it bothers me" argument - you are two different people, totally different mindsets and your partner has every right to watch (and even enjoy) a film/book/tv program regardless of how it makes you feel.

you cannot, and must not, dictate how someone interprets events in their mind. state your case, and let it be. i think it showed a great deal of compassion that something you were both watching disturbed you and she turned it off. however, you need to show just as much compassion in accepting her decision to watch it at another time. that's her right, accept it. as for her attitude not changing when yours seemingly has, again, you're talking about people's minds and alas, that's not something that's easily changed, if at all.

all the best,
indy
 
actually, i make it a point to watch stuff dealing with the issue. i use it as a resource for information and how to deal and shit. yes, i know this it TV and fake but it is based on reality. in a weird way, seeing it on TV makes me feel like less of a freak.
 
Jarrad you are NOT a freak. I cant watch things like that on TV.

Duncan
 
Grunty I see a parrallel with other things I can't watch: I have a real difficult time with horror and for my entire life up till now I detested anyone who indugled in that stuff. I also had a huge problem with gay sex scenes, even normal sex scenes and anything anti-men like all those cop shows and especially the SVU trash. And also I once did a theatre workshop where we wore masks and lucky me got the dirty old woman mask, I was nauseous, I couldn't bare to look at myself, and this was before I had realised I was truly a victim.

So now I am starting to see why certain films and opinions trigger me. I hate violence cos I was beaten, I hate the deification of women because I was raped and beaten by them, I have trouble with gay stuff cos my mother always called me a faggot. That's being rather simplistic, but it's the gist of it.

My wife has more trouble watching and working with gay women, whereas as I don't really notice or care. She took a long time to warm to absurd humour like Python whereas I get a real high off it. I get really agitated with politically motivated films and books, whereas she can take the good bits and spit out the pips.

So, just to let you know I'm, we're, with you. And on top of all that my taste in film and such waivers around all over the place, often I find it hard to hire what I want to hire and then even watch it. Whereas I can watch crap I hate and make improvements as I go in my head.

For example: Lord Of War is real ham fisted shlock partly about child soldiers written by someone without a clue. But I liked watching it cos I hated it and I could point out the myriad glaring plotholes and the total insesitivity to the children depicted. I hated it but it was great. In fact I rewrote the whole film using my abuse as a starting point to tie-in with the child soldiers and bridge the cultural divide and what not, so I managed to use it as therapy. I don't know if it was effective, but try yelling at the TV. Seriously, those cop shows are full of holes so there'd be heaps to get angry about. I hate being told what to think by some pampered git, so I like making it personal and interactive; reasserting some control.

I suppose (sorry for being longwinded here) for me it's not all about entertainment it's about expression: they're just doing what humans do, communicating their emotions and such. That's why I communicate back. I don't really believe in entertainment as such. I like to respond, to reciprocate, and as a survivor I am recovering that ability. So if a show is rubbish I tell it to go root itself and get a real job. I often pause the DVD and have a wild rant at the top of my voice and then get a drink or munchies and sit down till the next plothole comes along (this doesn't work in public as Homer Simpson found out when they took the crayon from his brain).
 
Wow, I can see this has brought a broad range of views on the topic and Im glad. Its made me think more about my original post.

I guess I need to say, guilty as charged on trying to want others/my wife to think like me. She has every right to think and watch whatever she wants to and as has been said, she has demonstrated great compassion and respect for me by agreeing to stop watching the show when it distressed me. I was the one who inadvertently discovered she watched the remainder of the show later. She didnt tell me she watched it later.

I do, in hindsight think it is a good thing that CSA is a topic of TV and movies. It exposes it and makes more people aware of it. I dont think it makes it a topic of entrainment in the sense of fun and my topic subject wasnt meant to imply that I thought it was either. I think more people need to be aware of it in whatever way that takes place. Recent news stories sadly highlight the fact that this is happening in our society more often than we would like to think.

Thankyou to all who have contributed thus far. Further thought and input is appreciated so please dont think this post is closed. Many like it stir a point and do the rounds for ages.
 
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