Turning corners, and things I've learned

[EGL]

When I was at my T the other day, he asked me how I was doing compared to when I started seeing him back in July. I feel like I've turned the corner on a lot of things since then. Some things I've learned:

• I no longer feel beaten down by my father's physical and emotional abuse of me. His acceptance of me no longer matters to me. I think we can live in peaceful coexistence.
• My brother is a sexual predator and I just happened to be on the radar at that time. The guilt is his. He's never going to change.
• Emotional neglect by my mother was because that's all she ever knew in life. Even now, she can't really function emotionally close to anyone. Sad, but true.
• The numerous affairs of my ex-wife (one with my perp brother) weren't directed at me. It's like a mugger - the victim takes it personally, but the mugger is just looking for someone to mug. I happened to be available, and got emotionally mugged.

In an odd way, at age 43 it feels like I'm finally starting to grow up. Turning the corner on a lot of these things is empowering. The mornings waking up with a sense of impending doom are gone. I think I'm seeing some daylight and hope out of all this.

 

[FormerTexan]

"The mornings waking up with a sense of impending doom are gone. I think I'm seeing some daylight and hope out of all this."

That is wonderful!! I am happy for you!

You will see more of this as time passes. Things do change for the better.

As for your mom not knowing better, I apply that one to both of my parents, my dad in particular. He was/is so emotionally unavailable. I tend to be lenient with my dad. Mom I am torn on. She raised me the best she could based on what she knew, however the stuff she did doesn't wash with me. It didn't then, it doesn't now. Some days I feel sorry for her cuz she is a hurt woman who has alienated her kids. Other days I'm less than kind to her in my thoughts, to put it nicely.

 

[reality2k4]

Eddie,

nice to see you feeling good. Yes there is more to life than just feeling so low for so long, it can get better, and it will be for all of us.

We all deserve to feel good, and start the life we were meant to have. Enjoy it, and look after yourself,

ste

 

[Brayton]

I am so glad to read this today. It is truly wonderful to feel the things you are feeling. I am similarly optimistic today after seeing my T this morning.

I am angry at the injustice of what happened to you and that those burdens were placed upon you.

But I am also extremely happy to read about the progress you have made. Its good to be able to take charge of our lives again, to wrestle it out of the hands of what our perps did to us.

I think that the understanding you have about your mother's behavior, where it came/comes from, is empowering. I, too, have recognized that what my mother did was a natural (though horrible) outcome of the childhood she experienced.

It doesn't excuse her but my understanding of it puts me in charge for the first time of our relationship (very different) and, I think, permanently, instead of her.