Trying to understand

[kishka06]

I am trying to understand why my fiance has completely shut me out. I was aware of the abuse he suffered as a child, but was naive to how much psychological damage it does - he only brought it up once, and I didn't want to pry. I inadvertently came across some things, and misunderstood them to mean he was having an affair - with a man. He says he is not gay, or bi, and is trying to sort out his ongoing cuiousity with men. My reaction made him completely shut down - I wasn't angry, just confused. I just wanted the truth. He later said he wasn't ready to tell me, but felt forced to. Does anyone have any words of advice? I don't want to push him too hard, but I am hurting too, and just want to find out how to help him through this. What should I do?

 

[surfdude]

Hi kishka06,

Try reading a lot on this board to try and understand the many issues and feelings abuse survivors go through. There's some great books that you could get through this site that could also help you understand.

Love, understanding and patience will really help a survivor in his recovery. It isn't easy and you have to decide if it's worth it for you.

I coming from the viewpoint of a survivor. I'm sure you will be getting some good ideas from the ladies here.

Aloha,
Sunny

 

[roadrunner]

Kishka,

Part of what you are seeing is the way an abused boy's sense of sexual boundaries can be totally wrecked by what is being done to him. His whole sense of who he is sexually is scrambled up and confused.

These feelings can easily continue in one form or another into adulthood, and it's not unusual for a confused survivor to wonder if he's in fact gay. When I first started to face what had happened to me, that's one of the first things that came to my mind.

If you discovered things and asked him about them, then he probably felt completely shocked and insecure. When someone feels cornered like that closing down emotionally is a pretty common defense mechanism.

That of course wasn't your fault, and as you say, this isn't just about him. You are hurting too!

It's complicated dealing with a situation like this, but I would suggest that you try to reassure him while at the same time asserting your own concerns as well. He needs to know you love and support him, but at the same time he needs to know that you have feelings and needs too.

It's a tightrope really. He has to feel he isn't being pressured or cornered, but at the same time he has to know that your concerns aren't less important than his. I can tell you that I didn't start talking about my abuse issues with my wife until I was under tremendous pressure - not that she meant it that way, it's just that I became sexually dysfunctional and she took that as a sign that perhaps there was "another woman". I was also becoming increasingly irritable and detached, and finally she broke down and told me that whatever it was that was bothering me, it wasn't her fault. It was then that I started talking to her about the abuse.

It's best if real communication doesn't wait that long, of course. I just mention this to illustrate the difficulties.

Looking back, what would have worked better for me? I think I would have opened up sooner had I feld more certain that I wasn't going to be judged and abandoned. I genuinely wondered if anyone could ever believe the shit that had happened to me. If my wife knew, wouldn't she just be disgusted and take off?

I guess what I'm saying is I wish my erratic behavior had been met with more positive encouragement and support, but I do know that's just how it looks from my perspective. Viewed from hers, and her fears that there was another woman, it of course all looks entirely different.

Just some thoughts.

Much love,
Larry

 

[kishka06]

Well, we met up tonight, and what a disaster. Whatever I said, he completely took the wrong way. It all ended in a big mess, and with him storming off again. I just don't know what to do. Whatever I say is wrong. I am trying to stay positive, but now I am just getting angry with him - and that makes me feel like a bad person. I really am trying to understand what he needs from me, but he is not giving my anything to go on. I know from what I have read here, his reactions are normal, but what do I have to do to let me back in? Do I just stay silent, and hope he comes round, or do I keep sending him reminders (emails, texts) that I am still here and care about him? He has said he wants to keep trying, but doesn't want to discuss what happened - he isn't ready. Am I putting too much pressure on him, and should I just leave him alone?

 

[roadrunner]

Kishka,

I am so sorry this has gone so badly for you. I am not speaking to make excuses, but I can tell you dealing with the legacy of abuse is extremely difficult at first. You feel like everything is coming at you at once; I described it to my T as the emotional hurricane. You can't even begin to think of where to start, because addressing one problem simply seems to make it worse or add a few more to the mix.

It's good he says he wants to keep trying, but when he says he isn't ready to discuss what happened he probably means he just can't. I know that sounds unfair and one-sided, but it is a real problem.

I wouldn't just leave him alone. He could take that as rejection, which he may feel he deserves anyway. I think I would continue to send him emails expressing your support and love, but without saying anything specific about abuse issues.

But this brings us back to the issue of the tightrope that I mentioned before. Ultimately he does need to understand that if he wants a relationship he has to do his part to hold it together. The question is when that point gets made, and that, I think, depends largely on the strength of your relationship otherwise and how much trauma you are prepared to tolerate in order to save it. A survivor's partner DOES have the right to note that SHE is being hurt here too.

Several partners have been through this and have emerged with encouraging results, and perhaps they will comment to you. Their perspective is really what you need at this point.

Much love,
Larry