Trying to Understand

Trying to Understand
B

Bubbles

Registrant
Hi

I'm sorry, this has probably been asked countless times and in many different ways. But, basically I'm not getting any information from my partner to understand. I understand he's went through a great deal and I try to support him the best I can, but when he does things to hurt me I start to think what's the point is anything ever gonna change.

Admittedly he hasn't done anything in quite a while. We're trying to start again, but I find it very difficult to get over things he's done in the past. It makes it even more confusing 'cos I've had my problems and been a real bitch and unsupporting at times. It's now come the time where I've got to decide whether to start again and put in some real effort or leave him. I want things to work, but I'm scared of being hurt.

Although I've hurt him a lot, he's hurt me more than anyone. He admitted to me a few months ago that during the 9 yrs we've been together he's slept with prostitutes 3 times. I could understand this if it was due to the fact that I was so unloving, but he puts it down to the fact that he had disturbed images in his head (even before he realised he was actually abused). Does this make sense to anyone? and can anyone explain to me why? Maybe it's easier for someone who's not close to me to explain it, cos he's so full of shame that he can't. I've thought (in the past) that he's had sex addictions, being interested in swinging, went to a fetish club once etc. What confuses me is the fact that he claims he really loves me and wants us to try again. But, surely these are things he's still interested in, although he claims they're not, they were just a distraction from thoughts??

I'm sorry I'm probably not making much sense, we've been to counselling today and brought up some heavy shit, then went and got drunk (which always makes me a bit emotional). I want to trust him again, but I also want to know more and to know whether these things really are in the past, whether they were because the relationshp was bad, or whether he really is confused and may really want to try these things.

Once, again, sorry I'm quite drunk (the only way I can open up) and I know everyone is different and no-one can tell me how he thinks. But even giving me some kinda idea of what's going on in his head maybe help me understand him and might even save our relationshp.

Thanks
 
all I can say is that you have to expect to have EXTREMELY rocky times is you stay. You will have highs and lows and up and down. From my experience, times are good, but the bad times are many. I like you dont know how to react, I like you have not been treated so well at times, I like you am trying to help his hurt, I can relate, but maybe I am no good at helping. What helps me is to be kind to him and not want in return. After me and my boyfriend slept together last week, today when driving in the car, my hand accidently was picking something off the floor (coke bottle), and he thought I was going to touch his leg, well he grabbed my had in a type of defence mechansim and threw it back on my lap (not abusive like, almost scared like, A BIG BIG DIFFERENCE). I could tell he felt mad and used that we had sex last week, and that is the norm, so he doenst relate sex with love at times. Its a learning thing, I dont know, I just hope you getting better and things get better for you.
 
i can only speak in my case, but i hope it helps.

i cheated on my wife. i suppose if i werent so afraid of prostitutes, i could have used them. i also want to swing and have fetish style tastes. i hope i have reached a level of insight that might help you understand.

my family was cold, and hiding my abuse made it even worse because i was withdrawn. being molested and acting out felt good. it gave me affection and pleasure, and a child needs those things. growing and developing, my mind attached sex with them. sex became my way of feeling good.

then as i learned what i was doing, and that it wasnt what other kids felt, the shame set in. it was very much an addiction cycle. having sex felt good, but afterward i would feel ashamed and perverted. then i would have to have sex again to feel good again.

also like other addictions, at first small things gave me the high i wanted. copping a feel, kissing and the like was fine. then to get a rush, a more subdued rush but still a rush, i needed something more. i always had to up the stakes to get my high, always had to try something new.

once i realized how screwed up i was, i began hating myself. some survivors cut or suicide. my way of lashing out was sexual. whether letting a partner urinate on me, spank me, or even inflicting such things on my own body, i punished myself. the problem was, that addict part of me liked the new highs, so the cycle got deeper and stronger. before long my whole day was one sexual thrill to the next, one high to the next.

then i became an adult, and tried my hand at adult relationships. a long-term relationship always gets routine on some level, and i was looking for that high. swinging offered the oppertunity to get it through a new person. fetish stuff could give it to me because it was taboo, but basic sex always gets to where it doesnt do much for me. i am always driven to do something new.

to begin, you cannot change him. second, he cannot change certain parts of who he is. what he can do is make good choices and control how he acts.

by the time we're adults what turns us on is pretty much carved in stone. what i've had to do is allow myself to be turned on by whatever turns me on. that i cannot change. i had to let go of the guilt and shame part of that by accepting it. it is ok that certain me turn me on, as long as i choose not to act on it. it is okay that porn turns me on, as long as i make good choices about how and where i use it.

i had to choose to express my fantasies in healthy ways, and had to learn i didnt have to live them to enjoy them. my acid test became, does doing this hurt anyone in my life? clearly cheating hurts someone, so it is unacceptable.

it wasnt enough to ask that question, but i had to be strong enough to stand by that choice. again, i had to find enough value and love in my own life to back that choice up. when you hate yourself it is easy to go to that whore. certainly she might give you hiv, but when part of you wants to die anyway, so what? only when you want to live, and want to have a good relationship will you find a reason to do better. i had to shift my focus from getting high to loving my wife. only then did i begin to value myself and my relationship enough to change. it wasnt easy, and i still struggle some.

finally, my wife and i are working hard to make our life more fulfilling. that part of me that needs a rush is still there, and it is very strong. i need a partner that will work with me as much as she can. to keep sex exciting we have added toys, roleplaying games and adventures to our life. you can do things that keep that air of excitement without violating your relationship, but you both have to work at it.

i am sure it isnt easy for my wife. she has to push her boundries to meet my needs, but as long as i feel heard and feel she is trying, i find i am satisfied. the logic part of me realizes you cant expect any woman worth having to swing or many of the other things i want. what we can have with work is a relationship that stays fresh by keeping sex fun.

can your SO change? i did, but i understand i am somewhat the exception. i guess in my mind if he is working hard, he can. for your part, take an honest look. is he going to therapy? is he reading and showing a real effort to change? if not, he is fooling himself. this battle takes constant vigilance and devotion. i have to focus every day to stay free of things i feel are wrong. i work hard, and i think my wife sees it, or i hope she does. the bible says we can judge people by thier fruits. his fruits should be things like support groups, therapy and reading. he might be journalling. there should be clues that he is trying. if you see nothing, he likely isnt trying very much. if he isnt making an all out effort, he will fail time and again. if that is the case, you have to judge how far you are willing to go with him. do you stay with someone who isnt trying? i guess only you are there, and only you can judge the effort.

hope this helps you to understand.
feel free to PM me if more detail would help, or if i can answer any questions. i struggled with sex, and perhaps i can help.

jeff
 
He admitted to me a few months ago that during the 9 yrs we've been together he's slept with prostitutes 3 times. I could understand this if it was due to the fact that I was so unloving, but he puts it down to the fact that he had disturbed images in his head (even before he realised he was actually abused). Does this make sense to anyone? and can anyone explain to me why?


What confuses me is the fact that he claims he really loves me and wants us to try again. But, surely these are things he's still interested in, although he claims they're not, they were just a distraction from thoughts??
Click to expand...
Hey.. yeah this is a tough one. The "why" of a sexual abuse survivor's acting out is NO place to try and put logic and understanding. I have tried to understand my partner's acting out-with-many-other-women days (which thankfully, happened before we got together) and try to paint a logical picture with what happened to him and it still makes no sense to me. I have the same issues (how could he do those things all that sex with all those women that meant NOTHING to him and now he wants ot be with me, and he's never had a "normal" sexual relationship with anyone... how can I be any different.. how could i possibly be special to him, he just sees me as another acting out "woman of the hour".. how could we POSSIBLY have a sexual relationship that could mean ANYTHING, yadda yadda).

To me, if one has been sexually abused, I could completely understand why that perseon would never ever want to be sexually aroused again. I could uderstand my partner pulling away and having real anxiety problems around sex, and never wanting to have sex at all, but to me, a survivor acting out and having MORE sex, like in his past, particularly in ways where they can repeat those awful, shameful feelings just does not ever make any sense to me no matter how many people try to explain it. I have been around the block and back again on it and I just have to leave it up to the explanation that it just is a behaviour that some SA suriviors demonstrate and it is a product of the abuse, it is NOT something that made them feel good, on the contrary, it made them feel AWFUL and they deserve pity, not anger for this behaviour.

Anyhow - another part of your question - WHY - I went to see a therapist on this whole issue when I was working through the realization of my partner's past. This therapist specializes in treating male SA survivors. She explained there is no current solid rationale on why some survivors act out in curious ways, but there are a lot of current theories. They are:

a) they may act out and try to re-enact the abuse over and over in an attempt to "control it"

b) they may want to go and have sex with someone else to pass on the shame, to get "even" with the person that hurt them

c) they may go out and try to have sex with as many women as possible, particularly if they were abused by a male, to try and prove they are not "gay" (the case with my partner)

d) they may want to go out and have humiliating sexual experiences to match up their behaviour with how they really feel about themselves (because of the abuse they feel bad so they have to "prove" it)

e) they may go out and deliberately try to
sabotage a relationship by cheating because they dont feel "worthy" or they are so anxious because of the intimacy/closeness between the two of you (my partner resorts to verbal abuse to accomplish this little feat)

f) SA survivors have lost their sexual innocence trhough abuse - something they can never get back - so sex to them is already "tainted" - its not always so easy to keep it in the realm of the "loving" and "respectful" act that it SHOULD be.. as my partner says about his past "my innocence was already stolen from me so what was the point in holding back for anything better?"

g) because of the trauma inflicted when someone is sexually abused, particularly if its a violent act, there are some funny things that happen to that person's brain pathways. Survivors, when triggered (reminded of the abuse in some way due to over stress or some triggered memory) may actually not even really be completely in control of their behaviour when they are acting out. I would bet that your partner is in some kind of "trance" or "out there" state due to some kind of stress when he ws involved with prostitutes.

So when those of us who have not been traumatized in this way sit and think "how could he not realize what he was doing and how much that behaviour could hurt others"... he really and honestly couldn't, because he probably WASN'T thinking,and the traumatic experience has had an ability to re-route responses to being triggered completely past the rational, controllable thinking part of the brain to an automatic response - like breathing or sneezing! He may have been in such a PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) state when he went to the prostititues that his behaviour really was outside of conscious control at that moment. Although his behaviour is socially reprehensible and painful for you to deal with, he had to be in a WHOLE LOTTA pain in order to go and do such a thing. Although he hurt you a lot, and this should not negate how hurtful his behaviour was when he slept with prostitutes, but one has to also feel a WHOLE LOT of pity for him -he must have been REALLY hurting when all that went down.

According to the therapist I talked to, SA survivors turning to prostitutes despite having someone close and even someone that they love is not an unheard of phenomenon. She has heard it from many others before. The sex with the prostitutes has NOTHING to do with being love starved or the quality of your relationship or about you at all, but about trauma and how he reacts to stress. Unfortunately his abuse experience has him conditioned to respond to stress and anxiety in some kind of a sexual way.

In my own personal case, for me as a verbal and psychological (and a bit of physical abuse) survivor, I turn to self abuse when I am in my PTSD trigger states. I start to whap myself, pull my hair, start to get into this rant where I tell myself I'm stupid, fat, etc. I start to fantasize, vividly, of my partner's past sexual acting out days, about how they are so beautiful and how I am just NOTHING to him, how I could never hold a candle to them, etc. I start to feel so bad to match up with how I feel about myself.. and somehow it just feels "normal". Even today I still get into this state every few months.

That is the exact same thing that a SA survivor is doing when he acts out with prostitutes - responding to a triggered state in the way he was conditioned to do through the abuse.

The key to working through this is for a survivor to be better aware of what his stress triggers are and manage them, and also become more aware (through therapy, desensetization) of when he is being triggered that he can re-route his urges to something a lot less destructive. It takes some work to stay 'grounded" when triggered but I am working through it now and it is working.

Sometimes I am able to stop myself and discuss how I am feeling and process the feelings that are triggering me rather than just REACTING to them and freaking out.
 
Re: my last post - although your partners acting out behaviour can be explained, and he does deserve pity knowing how much pain he must have been in, that does NOT imply in any case that ANY partner must stick with a survivor if their acting out behaviour is just causing them too much pain. There is a place for empathy and support and understanding, but it is completely understandable that all the understanding in teh world wont fix the pain of knowing your partner has been unfaithful, no matter what the reason. If his behaviour just pushes you too far over the limit, and he does not appear to want to try and stop it, or does not acknowledge the pain that you are feeling because of it, you have every right to consider or actually leave the relationship. Everyone has their limits.

I have had my own limits pushed hard when my partner was really into verbally abusing me as a way to create "distance" - he was being triggered so much that this is how he resorted to creating distance. That's also unacceptable behaviour and I pretty near broke up with him many times on account of it. He is now exploring his "mom" issues, etc and it is getting much better.
 
Bubbles

I've often thought that my boyfriend kept his past a secret--and I chose not to look to closely while it was happening-- partly in an attempt to save our relationship. Not just in the obvious "If she finds out she'll leave me" sense (although that probably would have been the case), but also in the way that weak or ill people put off taxing medical procedures. Until my boyfriend was already getting set to change his life, and until we were already working on a better relationship, I honestly don't think we were strong or healthy enough as a couple to have handled it.

This idea is somewhat supported by the way I found out about my boyfriend's acting out-- he never had a physical affair with anyone but he acted out online, and exchanged phone calls and letters with another girl for over a year-- I say I found out, but it was more like he led me to the evidence-- old evidence, that he'd managed to keep hidden for years, only to be found right around the time that he started wanting to come clean.

Part of the reason he "told" me this way is connected to the reason behind his acting out in the first place-- he was addicted to guilt feelings, to recreating shame and worthlessness in his life, and to putting himself in situations where he was "used" by other people. As long as no one found out what he was doing, he could tell himself that everyone saw it, but didn't care enough about him to catch him.

If your boyfriend is coming clean to you now, it really is possible that he doesn't want to do the things he was doing before. As Jeff has said, the temptation may still surface sometimes, but just the fact that he's told you means that he's moving away from the shame and secrecy which are such a big part of what pushed him to act out in the first place.

There's a lot of support here, and you can open up and get emotional whenever you like.

take care,
SAR
 
Thank you all so much for replying it really has helped a lot. I feel that I understand a lot more now. I think that's what I really needed to do, understand why he did those things, before I could forgive and move on.

Phoster - Thanks, what you've written makes a lot of sense and has made it a lot clearer for me to understand. I've told him that basically I'm willing to be more adventurous in sex and do anything (within reason) as long as it's me and him and doesn't involve anyone else. I hope he will be satisfied and not be wishing for other things. To be honest I think what he craves more than anything is love and affection. He's never really received that from me. Even though I love him I find it very hard to tell him. I can't even say to him I'm proud of you or you look good. This is something I need to work at if it's going to work. I think by giving him the love & encouragment he needs it will help a hell of a lot and actually make him feel good about himself. He doesn't get the love and recognition he deserves from anyone and I've got high hopes that this is all he really needs to minimise the depression which leads to the feelings of shame etc which then leads to him doing things that make him feel worse. I'm not saying things are gonna be perfect, as you said it's an addictive cycle and I'm sure he's gonna still get those feelings/urges from time to time. But, hopefully he can learn to express his fantasies in healthy ways too. You sound as if you've come a long way. Good luck with making things work with your wife and leading the type of life you deserve.


Pas, I understand what you're saying about not understanding them wanting more sex. Like you, I've always kinda thought 'it would put me off having sex, I'd be more withdrawn and fear intimacy & sex). I know it's selfish but if this was the case I could handle it better. All the points you made (from a-g) were very helpful as well. He's only ever mentioned point f, about his idea of sex being tainted. He's told me this and says he regards talking and just being close to someone as a bigger factor when he loves someone rather than sex. I'm the opposite I never sleep with someone unless I love them and am in a proper relationship. The only one I don't think he does is e, he's not scared of intimacy/closeness (although I'm like that a bit) and he doesn't try to sabbotage the relationship.

I also take it very personally and think that there's something wrong with me. I'm now beginning to believe what he's always told me, it's nothing to do with me, he loves me, he sometimes gets depressed and can't handle all the thoughts and deals with it the only way he knows how.

SAR - I think you could be right about him coming clean and wanting things to change. After all he didn't have to tell me and I know how hard it was for him to do so. He had wanted to tell me for yrs after speaking to his counsellor about it and even wanting me to go along with him and find out.

I am going to do my best to be more understanding. He's the kindest, most sensitive loving guy I've ever met. He would do anything for me. So, apart from being with 3 prostitutes which ended over 4 yrs ago (I just found out a couple of months ago) there hasn't really been much else. I think I've maybe blown things out of proportion. A few months ago (before we decided to seriously start again) I saw a picture of him on the internet at a fetish club. He had told me he went there (this was 2 yrs ago), but said he didn't do anything. Well the picture showed that he was 'dressed for it' and I was very shocked & very hurt. He was sooo embarassed when I confronted him. But then told me about it, he had decided to try it (some bondage), but didn't like it, it was too sore, lol. I began imagining he had been up to all kinds of things and when the prositute thing came out I couldn't handle it and have been heavily drinking the past few months. It's not like he's had affairs or anything so he's obviously still interested in me and doesn't want anyone else. It's becoming a lot clearer now, the interest in porn, phoning sex lines in the past, being interested in swinging it's his way of distracting himself from or dealing with shame for the reasons you've all pointed out.
 
>>>I understand what you're saying about not understanding them wanting more sex. Like you, I've always kinda thought 'it would put me off having sex, I'd be more withdrawn and fear intimacy & sex). I know it's selfish but if this was the case I could handle it better.

Me too. I dont get why anyone would act outwards and open themselves up to having this happen again... EVER.... but then again I've never been sexually abused. So I try to keep it at the intellectual level - just accept it as "thats just the way it is" and move on. If I spend too much time trying ot analyze it through my own life experiences or my own "lens".. well I can't do it, and I wind up back into the whole freak out "he does not have the ability to love me and he will never be able to have a normal, healthy, love-sex relationship in his life" freak out attack.

Re: sabotaging the relationship - some theories say that part of what drives someone to prostitutues may be an indirect way to sabotage the relationship.. but there are of course other reasons why someone woudl do that as well.

>>>I also take it very personally and think that there's something wrong with me. I'm now beginning to believe what he's always told me, it's nothing to do with me, he loves me, he sometimes gets depressed and can't handle all the thoughts and deals with it the only way he knows how.

This absolutely does NOT have anything to do with you. It is ludicrous to try and imagine and believe that something like this does NOT have anything to do with you, but that is the absolute truth.

Survivors have such disjointed views of sex/love/relationships - these things for them do NOT go together like they do for those of us who have not been traumatized sexually. Thats the biggest impact, the biggest crime of sexual abuse - it splits apart those parts of someone's life, makes it very hard to re-integrate in a healthy fashion.

>>>SAR - I think you could be right about him coming clean and wanting things to change. After all he didn't have to tell me and I know how hard it was for him to do so. He had wanted to tell me for yrs after speaking to his counsellor about it and even wanting me to go along with him and find out.

He probably let you "find out" as a cry for help. Survivors, addicts often do that - leave "clues" around as a cry for help, an indication of serious pain.

>>>I am going to do my best to be more understanding. He's the kindest, most sensitive loving guy I've ever met. He would do anything for me. So, apart from being with 3 prostitutes which ended over 4 yrs ago (I just found out a couple of months ago) there hasn't really been much else.

For me finding out about my partner's sexual acting out (casual sex, one night stands, a LOT of partners) that happened even well before we EVEN MET was hard!!! I can imagine how hard it must be to learn about stuff that happened when you were together. My finding out about my partners past threw me for a loop for years after I found out, and he didnt even cheat on me!

I mean, technically, it was HIS business as it happened well before we met, but still, I had to come to grips with the fact that he had engaged in sexual behaviour that i find pretty reprehensible, and how much it made me fear for being in a relationship with him.

Initially I looked at his past through a "non SA survivor" lens -I looked at his past as a telltale sign that he was a "poor bet" and he would eventually drift away into that type of stuff again. Once I started to be able to look at it as sexual acting out, then I became a lot more compassionate and a lot less angry, afraid and judgemental. I realized he had to be in a HELL of a lot of pain to do those things, to violate even his own morals, to make himself feel more shame and guilt.

>> I began imagining he had been up to all kinds of things and when the prositute thing came out I couldn't handle it and have been heavily drinking the past few months.

Thats the hard part - is when our imaginations get away with us. I did that for YEARS - imagined all the women my partner had sex with before me, all the places, when, where, who with, etc. I compared myself to these imaginary perfect women (my partner is GORGEOUS and I imagine he could have had any woman he wanted) and I realized that I was just torturing myself. I have to remember he is with me NOW (and "with me" so much we are getting married in September) and that was then and this is now. His past wasn't LOVE.. it was sexual acting out, which has to be a painful, terrible thing to be involved with.

>>>It's not like he's had affairs or anything so he's obviously still interested in me and doesn't want anyone else. It's becoming a lot clearer now, the interest in porn, phoning sex lines in the past, being interested in swinging it's his way of distracting himself from or dealing with shame for the reasons you've all pointed out.

It is dealing with shame, trying recreate it or to try and control it by doing it again and again... also it may be a case of not really having clear understanding of appropriate sexual "boundaries" (these were shattered during the abuse) etc. Its like he has to re-learn things that those of us who were not sexually abused take for granted.

As long as he is a) faithful to you now b) honest about everything and c) working hard on his recovery those are all good signs.

Still this is NOT the easiest thing to deal with and all of us partners have been freaked out from time to time by learning about our partners sexual pasts. Its hard to understand and accept even if you have all the reasons and the rationale why, it still is a hard, hard thing to wrap your brain around, it is scary and very painful, no matter if it happened years ago even if you are just finding out now.

Re: the drinking: it probably isn't helping with respect to letting your mind "wander".. alcohol for me just amplifies all the bad feelings and my own paranoias and insecurities. A good cry for a few days, talking it out with someone usually helps. Good that we have this site to talk to others in similar situations about this stuff.
The effects of sexual abuse are not the type of thing that you can just go up and talk to your girlfriends about!
 
bubbles (and others),

for me going through two marriages and one significant live in who was the best woman i could ever have had but lost, my acting out was mainly to feel guilty, the shame, the humiliation of being with a prostitute, being in an adult video arcade, having phone sex, or materbating incessantly.
mine was never feelings, love, or non-love for my partners. it was that compelling need to feel dirty, naughty, or to medicate my stress with sexual activities.
now, after 31 yrs of hiding it, i finally told my new t last month and my ex. girlfriend.
i am now having to learn to love myself, be worthy myself, and all this before i get in to another medicinal relationship to make me feel good and to not hurt my partner.
i can't speak for your partner, but i think i could be faithful and had with my first wife for 7 years. i still masterbated, had occasional phone sex, but did not have physical intimacy with others when i was with her.
my second was a nice lady but very inhibited. i used porn, the internet, phone sex, and an occasonal prosititute- again, not because i did not love her but to make me be naughty or dirty again.
after that, i had the great girlfriend. she was a twice raped survivor. i wish i would have told her before we split up and i did not meet her emotional needs. we had sex when i was drunk which was about once a week or two and rarely had it when i was straight. again, the alcohol made me comfortable and able to trust. also able to explore my kinky desires with her.
anyhow, i do hope you know that it is not a love thing or you're in-adequate. it's a sickness or addiction within. i do hope he will and can be true to you and that you can make him feel safe and loved. he, like i and most survivors need that most. i think if i have had the trust, to be open, and honest, maybe i would not have made (or made as many) the acting out mistakes that i have in the past.
now, it's the road of healing for me. i do hope for you two as well.
peace and god bless, guy
 
Thank you PAS and Guy :)

I'm so glad that I decided to post this question. It really has sorted out a lot of stuff that I didn't understand. I'm finally really beginning to realise that what he's done has had nothing to do with me or what I've always thought, he wouldn't do it if he loved me. Afterall I suppose I 'act out' in my own ways because I don't know how to deal with problems but it doesn't mean I don't love him.

I've found it hard to deal with all the conflicting thoughts, not just about him not loving me, but also feeling like an idiot and beating myself up for staying with someone who could do this.

I'm a hypocrite though, I've done a lot of wrong things to him. And, thinking about it I've probably contributed to his acting out by making him stressed or depressed. It's good though that we can now realise and admit these mistakes to each other and be prepared to work hard to try to get over them.
 
Bubbles
there's not much left to say, these guys are the best !

'Acting out' takes many forms, I was one of those guys you read about commiting acts of 'gross indecency' in public toilets, that was my acting out. Along with compulsive masturbation and fantasy.

And this year I've been married for 30 years, but it was a close thing after my wife found out about my acting out !
But I was / am faithful in the true sense, I have never had any kind of relationship outside of our marriage, and at the risk of sounding immodest, I have had to resist the advances of others on occassions. I resisted because at no time did I ever fall out of love with my wife.

My acting out, and I believe most acting out, is driven from the dysfunctional effects of not only our abuse, but our upbringing. I wasn't abused by my family, they loved me and cared for me the best they could. But they were very cold and distant and raised me by criticism rather than praise. A recipe for insecurity that I still bear to some extent.
The reasons we act out are very deep and complex, and are only usually helped by good therapy and a lot of brutally honest soul searching - and some good support.

Which is where you come in, and you're making great efforts already. So please stick around and get all the help and support you need, because you will need it.

If you send me a Private Message ( PM ) by clicking on the 'envelope' icon on the top of my reply I might be able to recommend a specialist Survivors service near to where you live, I have some good contacts here in the UK.

Dave
 
Originally posted by Lloydy:
'Acting out' takes many forms, I was one of those guys you read about commiting acts of 'gross indecency' in public toilets, that was my acting out. Along with compulsive masturbation and fantasy.
Click to expand...
Lloydy: little did you know at the time that such a painful and difficult experience for you could be turned around and used to help others... I am always amazed at how honest you are with respect to your past sexual acting out... NO DOUBT sharing your experiences, as horrendously painful as it might have been at the time, and may still be for you to share, has been able to be transformed from a painful, difficult experience into a source of strength and comfort and guidance for so many others.

Sharing this with me certainly has been a major help in trying to understand my partner's acting out, it has allowed me to really see a separation between "acting out sexual behaviour" and "relationship sexual behaviour". Every time I see you share this with another person I think wow this pain has been transformed yet one more time into something for the good of humanity.

Thank you for your repeated honesty about your experiences. I KNOW you have helped COUNTLESS people by sharing this - more people than I bet you will ever know!!!!

Bravo (a million times over!!!!)

P
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top