Trying to understand fear of words. Maybe is trigger

[Leosha]

I am not so sure of what it is, of certain words scaring me. They are nothing but words, right? They can not hurt me. I do not know why it is they have such power of me. I still have much difficulty with saying what is the worse sex thing that happen, the 'r-word' thing. I have made myself type it few times, and it gives me panic, just to see word in print. I can not imagine speaking it outloud. I posted in the 'hate' thread. I also have fear of that word, the word 'hate'. I am trying to find out why that is, and maybe I am starting to understand more.

All my growing up, when my father was still with our family, he would make me be as less then human person. There was never that I was allowed to speak to him. If he ask me something, or if he tell me to say something, I could do it, but never could I just say 'good morning' or anything at him. Always, he had very bad punishment things for me, evil things. When he would wake us up during the night, he would either punish me or make me clean the house, and he would make me say bad things on myself, saying 'I am bad boy, I am stupid boy, I am ugly boy' and those things. Most times, he would not even let me eat at the table with him and my mom and gran, I would have to sit on floor in corner to eat. When my brother was alive, he would do same at him.

So, I am thinking more now. Of why I am afraid of so much extreme emotion, like to hate. Because emotion is human, yes? Especially extreme emotion, like hate or fear. Maybe it is I feel still like I am not fully human? that I do not deserve to feel such things? And I still believe those things I would say, that I am bad and stupid and ugly and evil.

How do I feel more human? And how do I get over the fears? Is it just more 'work through it' things? I am not sure I make sense right now, I am sorry.

leosha

 

[FlyWM]

I am so sorry for everything that your father did to you, it was terrible, sadly I can reate to much of it as well. Fear of the r-word, I have that too, I think it is because actually saying it, or reading it makes it seem more real, less of an idea and more of a real act that had/has a terrible effect. Fear of hate is ingrained in us all, we are taught hat hate is evil, and if we already feel we are evil, we don't want to prove that we really are.

What you say makes much sense, that perhaps the fear of extremem emotions is because don't feel totally human because of what has been done, and what we were forced to do. As you put it, I too feel less than human, but I think after what we have been subjected to that is a normal feeling, but I hope in time that feeling will go away and the fear of emotions will leave us, and we will gladly admit, and feel as if we are really humans.

scott

 

[theo]

leosha,
i have a great deal of fear about emotions as well. there have been times when the rage within boiled over and i became a totally different person. for me, i think the greatest fear had to do with just that fact that it was totally different from what i was accostomed to perceiving myself to be. fortunately, when the rage kicked in nothing happened, but the person of rage was not the same as the person i normally prtrayed myself to be and that was the scariest thing of all. who am i when these extreme emotions take over? am i still theo? i cannot honestly answer that question. i believe the rage and other emotions are a part of me but a part i have not become acquainted with. it is almost as though that person of rage is like the ones who did what they did to me and my sister. i know in my heart that is not true because the rage is not directed at hurting others for kicks, it is for those who have hurt others...it is about justice.

i cannot offer any suggestions accept to say that those emotions are a part of you that you have not become acquainted with very well and are very different in practice from what you are used to experiencing, but they are a part of you and have helped you to deal with what happened. you will know when it is time to sit down with those emotions and get to know them.

 

[Lloydy]

Leosha
I'm a believer that words are stronger than we think they are, like you not feeling comfortable with the 'r' word.
Words, especially when we write, need to be chosen with great care if we are to get our exact meaning across.

And of course this must be even more difficult for yourself as English isn't your first language.
My parents first language is Welsh, and they speak it together out of choice. But when speaking English they do go back to Welsh for certain words, and I know that they know the English word. They just don't feel right saying some words in English.
Usually emotionally powerful, or sexual, words.

Does the 'r' word have the same effect in Russian ?

Dave

 

[outis]

Words are very powerful things. I get tied up in knots over words, sometimes staying up late and checking definitions and etymologies just to write the "correct" word in my journal.

What passes for "my journal" is a collection of notebooks and several text files. The notebook that started it all was the one where I wrote something about the first abuse from the perp. I wrote the 'r' word for the first time. I don't recall writing that initial undated entry, but I know I did.

But when speaking English they do go back to Welsh for certain words, and I know that they know the English word. They just don't feel right saying some words in English.

Ah, the beauty of the Celtic tongues!

Seriously, I have found that I have to get away from the English language, the only one I grew up with, to "feel" emotion sometimes. I posted this poem but later translated it to Irish in my journal. That version is much more powerful to me. In English it seems a simple narrative of that first night. In Irish I can feel the horror, pain, and shame. Maybe it's like when people draw because we intellectualize too much with words, I don't know. I just know it's a very different, much more intensely personal experience in Irish.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Leosha]

Yes, the 'r-word', it has same effect at me in Russian. It is scarey to read, but to write or say, it is even worse. Without using that word, we can use like 'euphamists', to make it seem less like it was bad. I still feel I need to make it seem less bad, it is not so bad. Not sure what I am saying now.

leosha