trying to remember something good

[Brayton]

I wonder if "normal" guys (that is, guys who did not experience childhood s'xual abuse) have the sort of problem I have with remembering their childhoods.

The closest I've ever gotten to feeling good about my childhood was went I pretended that the few little nice things I remembered about it defined the whole thing. That was before I started remembering all the other stuff that happened. At that time I only struggled with the PTSD-like symptoms.

I think for the "normal" guys (very generally speaking) the remembered good experiences are viewed as genuine and the remembered bad experiences are remembered as having taken place in a nurturing safe environment so they did not, do not seem extraordinary. Only the love and caring that was experienced must be remembered as the defining characteristics of their childhoods..

Human persons are complex which perhaps makes them easier to forgive. (I am absolutely not minimizing the feelings of those for whom forgiveness seems entirely inappropriate. I value anger, too. It has made me strong and empowered me when I otherwise felt helpless and alone.)

Because we are ourselves not all one thing or another, we may naturally seek a balanced view of the people in our lives, specifically those we encountered while we were children.

I know that sometimes some of those people were more weighted towards the negative (obviously so in the case of a lot of perps). Some perps were so horrible in what they did that its very easy to think of those persons as "monsters," as being actual embodiments of evil. Who of us can counter that?

I'm just assuming that perp behavior, evil behavior doesn't just suddenly emerge. Are these persons born into the world that way? Part of me feels that but my reasonable mind doesn't think that way. So, then, do they choose to be evil? They certainly choose not to curb their evil impulses.

The adults who perpetrate against children are entirely responsible for their actions; have to be held accountable both in the past and in the present. Are there explanations that are not excuses and provide us with some understanding that gives us some peace and relief that we did not have before?

It has for me helped to some extent. Actually, I think it has helped me separate more from what happened and the people who did it to me and those who stood unseeing by. That took a long time but really started happening when I started remembering. As horrible as that was, I see now that it had to happen for me to begin moving towards healing and building a happy life.

What they did to me will never be erased and I will always experience triggers from time to time. My view of the world and how I interact with it is forever altered by those experiences.

Beginning to understand how and why those things happened is beginning to give me some relief from years of great sadness and isolation and opening to me a vision of future peace.

The child that I was and whose tormented spirit stays with me is made stronger by the adult understanding of what may have motivated the perps and the real knowledge that I survived them.

They, the perps, should be and maybe some of them actually are the tormented ones now. I am happy to say that I am glad of that. I am no longer going along with them in keeping the secrets and pretending that terrible things were happening. Even if they dont know that I have broken the pact of silence, I know it and that knowledge is transformative. They and what they did to me don't "own" me anymore.

 

[MikeNY]

TRIGGER POST


Like many of us here, my perp refered to what happened as "love", and that it was a "beautiful dream", "wonderful tender moments", and all kinds of other similar things. It made me want to vomit hearing those things. My perp was completely dillusional within their own mind. A sick twisted perspective of the world around them. If I can believe what I was told, my perp was the victum of SA prior to meeting me. My perp acted out, and chose to do it on me.

 

[markgreyblue]

i have no memory of a certain period of my chidhood - and i have no idea what happened to me then -

 

[Lloydy]

Brayton

I think for the "normal" guys (very generally speaking) the remembered good experiences are viewed as genuine and the remembered bad experiences are remembered as having taken place in a nurturing safe environment so they did not, do not seem extraordinary. Only the love and caring that was experienced must be remembered as the defining characteristics of their childhoods..

I was abused for a period of four years at boarding school, just about daily during term time.
And what you write here hit's me hard.
There is an 'Old Boys' web site for the school I went to and the guys who go there had a great time, they post lot's of good memories of the other boys and staff and say what a good influence the school had on them.

I can't remeber ONE good thing about that hell hole, not one solitary thing.
I don't doubt that there were times I laughed and had fun, and some people there must have had a positive influence on me. But I can't tell you what or who.
The whole five year period has been dominated by the abuse. And for the same reasons every 'normal' bad experience I had there, such as getting caught smoking which most kids did, are now magnified into yet another trauma instead of the 'normal' misbehaviour of growing up.

The big problem is that I ( we ? ) carry this distorted perception with us into adulthood, and every thing I did wrong I magnified.( and to some extent still do ) If I walked across the kitchen and my wife turned around I was 'in the way' I started to apologise as though I'd kicked her legs from under her !

Having the right responses to our behaviours as kids teaches us how to respond within ourselves to those behaviours / responses - good or bad.
And that comes from being loved, trusted and respected. Something we missed out on.

Dave

 

[The Dean]

Hi Brayton,

It seems from what the men here write that it is common to us to have difficulty remembering our childhoods. I never forgot that I had been abused physically and sexually. But I forgot a lot of the other things.

Dhuring therapy I started to have memories of my childhood before, during and after the years of abuse--and many of these are very happy memories. I think that as we heal from this crap, we get to a point where our minds are not like a vise keeping us from remembering things.

Be patient--it takes time. For years I felt that the only things that happened to me were painful, evil things--but I know now that there were tons of good and happy times.

Bob

 

[Lloydy]

I 'only' lost 5 years from 11 to 16, altough the last 35 years have some holes in them !
When my brother was over from Nova Scotia in January we gathered all the old 8mm movie films that our dad took from when I was about 5yo and with great mechanical ingenuity fixed the projector and watched them on the kitchen wall - in tears, both of us ! we laughed and cried in equal measure.
The next day we took them all in to a shop and had them transferred onto cd-rom. It's priceless stuff.

There were some very happy times in my childhood and I'm so lucky to have some record of them to remind me, it would be very easy to become bitter and twisted without those reminders, Sadly many Survivors aren't so lucky.

I cried as I replied to Brayton, childhood is important and we have to go and search for the few good times we had and acknowledge them.

Think hard guys, no matter how small and insignificant it might seem those good days are worth their weight in gold.

Dave

 

[RICK57]

Brayton - I've read loads of posts tonight & have struggled to respond until now.

'Normal People'...that's all I ever wanted to be!

I had a 'normal' childhood with loads of positive nurturing experiences.

Things went wrong after moving town & over a period of time!

Right when I needed help most, a loving nurturing adult appeared as if from nowhere (I was 12 * he was 30+ ... a guess). This person talked to me like I was his favourite little brother.... I became his toy!

There was never any violence or shouting, so he gained my trust....then his perverted activities started!

Now I find it very difficult to trust anyone, because it's always in my mind that they are lying to me & want something they shouldn't have!

It's defined my life until now....I'm fighting it but today it's hard! *Strange as I've had a really good day in general, but I think I'm just feeling a bit angry at the moment.

Best wishes ...Rik

 

[Bill_1965]

There is a period of my childhood that are missing. Parts of it have come back - first it was disturbing, then as more of the blanks filled in it began to make sense to me.

Most of my childhood memories had long been of the bad times. Now looking back with a more healed attitude and outlook, there were good things back then too. At the time, they were over-powered by my anger and anguish over the bad things. At the time I missed the opportunity to enjoy and expand upon them, now I at least can enjoy there memory.

I do believe that we are "normal" people. We forget things and only remember them when reminded of them, both the good and the bad. Somethings stick out and we don't have to try to remember or need any assistance in remembering them. I think that goes for everybody, not just those that have suffered traumatic experiences, such as SA. The memories or lack thereof during a traumatic experience can greatly affected, no matter when in life they may happen. A lot of it has to do with your ability to handle it, and for a child, that is an incredible amount to handle - no wonder we can't remember it all. This would make our lack of memories during childhood, for those of us that were victims of CSA, more intensified.

Bill