Trying to Move On

[serafina]

Hi. It has been quite a long time since I have posted anything. There is a very important man in my life who is a survivor. We had a long distance relationship for about a year and then I moved to a city much closer to him. I have lived here now almost three years. Our relationship was difficult. Upon meeting, he was just out of rehab for drugs, I then helped him get help for his sexual abuse issues for the first time. Things were difficult, as he faced his past, but somehow we were slowly making it through. Eventually, I slowly began to notice he was drinking more and more and hiding it from me. Every time I approached him he became defensive. Over a year went by and he checked himself in to rehab again, this time for drinking. The last time I spoke to him, he had had a few binges, but seemed optimistic. He told me that he knew he couldn't be there for me and that he felt he should let me move on with my life and hoped that when he came back for me it wouldn't be too late. It is so hard to move on with my life, when I loved someone so completely. But I also know that I was not taken care of in our relationship. It was all about him all the time. I took on all the rage and anger he had for himself, his abuser, his family and the world. It was not an easy place to be. I know I was acting as a caretaker and I often tried to avoid falling into that. But I cared and worried about him so much when no one else in the world did. I don't know how he is now. We haven't spoken in about a month. For four years prior we talked at least once every single day. It is hard because I love him and miss him. Abuse really is all consuming, not just for survivors but for friends and family.

 

[MikeNY]

He has placed you into a bad position. What you have just mentioned is the classic "I am only going to hurt you, I need to work things out, you are better off without me." thought process combined with the "I want good things for you which I am not cabable of giving you" and the last part is where he thinks of himself "I want you, I will come back for you, I hope you will still be there". The way that you put it, it was said as one thought process which is where confusion comes from. I want you to go and be happy living your life and when I get things straightened out I will come for you because I want you to be in my life. It's a classic split, thinking of you first getting crossed with what he wants. He has convinced himself that he is bad for you and that you are better off without him. He is performing the "Great Sacrifice" of his own wants and needs for what he perceives to be good for you.

Just one opinion..

 

[Lloydy]

We ARE difficult people, we do our dances and play our games in the mistaken belief that we're doing the right thing - for us. Unfortunately our partners, friends and families suffer the consequences.

Survivors always say that nobody else can heal for us, and I'm not going to judge what you did or didn't with this guy. You tried, feel proud of that.

I also agree with Mike when he talks about the "big sacrifice"

Dave

 

[SAR]

serafina

But I cared and worried about him so much when no one else in the world did.

Then you've given him a gift, even if he doesn't realize it yet, you've shown him that it is possible for someone to care about him.

Now he has to believe it, and start loving and caring for himself. And you've done as much as anyone can do to jump start that process in someone else, by showing him that love can exist in his life.

There is a lot of truth in what MikeNY is saying... I think the question for you is, what do YOU want?

Wishing you answers and peace,

SAR

 

[serafina]

What do I want? I want him to be there for me, to be able to love me the way he says (and I believe) that he does. And he wasn't good for me. He verbally abused me when he was angry at anyone other than me. He couldn't control his anger. He couldn't be there for me when I needed him, but always expected me to be there for him. I could never find him when I needed to talk to someone and he could always find me. I was in our relationship alone. But at the same time, I know how much he loved me, but couldn't love me. He was just to wrapped up in his own survival to be there for me. I DO understand that much. I know he loves me. I know he wants to spend his life with me. The hard part is I want that with him too. Just not like it was. All I can do is hope, but that makes it awfully hard to move on.

 

[Caetel]

Dear Serafina

I feel totally the same way. It's hard, it's so hard. I have moved on with my life and it's ok when it comes down to jobs, studies, friends, activities but it hurts so bad, to stand there in silence, to love in silence. My heart hopes but my mind keeps telling me not to and the pain is excruciating. I have done a lot of healing for myself (I am an incest survivor) and I am proud of all the progress, I can see so much clearer about the dynamics we played, how my own sexual fears built a wall against us. Being away helped a lot but now I am back in the same city, I just can't stand it and I need to get away again.
There seems to be no way out of this love. I just miss him so much and I have to live with that pain. I am angry angry again, so angry at his mother who fucked up his life.

 

[SAR]

Serafina,

You say "he was" this, "he did" that. What about today? What about now? If you knew that he'd never get any better than he is today, never be capable of control or love beyond what he is capable of today, what would you do?

I am not saying he will never heal, I am saying that today is all you can know for certain. And I do not think anyone can leave half their heart with someone and really expect to "move on"... at least, not very far.

There is no right choice for everyone. At the time my boyfriend disclosed to me, he was long done with the worst of his behavior. And when I looked at who he was on that day, I saw a man who was tremendously messed up, but also, AT THAT TIME, making a lot of progress, and working hard at building a life he could love.

We are talking about seven years into our relationship though. I've told him since that day, and it's very true, that if I had been the person I am today, four or five years ago, and found out about everything he was doing at that time, I'd have left, because the future looked pretty bleak right then. I stayed for my own reasons and I don't believe that those reasons, or my staying, or anything I did really, had anything to do with things getting better.

I don't mean to be harsh. But all you have control over is yourself, and that all you can be sure of is today. By staying halfway invested you're not doing either of you any favors.

SAR

 

[serafina]

Based on today. There is no way I would go back and he knows that too. He is entirely unreliable, untruthful and dangerous to me and himself right now. This is why we are apart and haven't seen or spoken to each other. He did show so much progress over the years and then at some point it stopped. He couldn't deal with it anymore and drank more and more and lied more and more. He is still not out of that. If he could prove to me that he loved himself enough to take care of himself again and had the ability to be there for me, then I would love nothing more than to have him in my life. I think my point is that it is not that easy leaving behind someone you have cared for and helped to such an extreme and just walk away. We have been through hell and back and back to hell together. I will love him unconditionally forever. Period. That does not mean I can live with someone I can't trust or rely on and who is not able to be there for me. We have both said, Love sometimes is not enough and that is a hard reality to take.

 

[MikeNY]

Originally posted by serafina:
We have both said, Love sometimes is not enough and that is a hard reality to take.

I'm sorry, but I disagree with this. Love is enough. Love is also a gift. You need to be able to love yourself before you have that gift to give.