Trying to make sense of it

Trying to make sense of it
S

sweet-n-sour

Registrant
Hi. My husband disclosed to his 2 sisters about the abuse his older brother imposed and denial has run rampant in both cases. One was trying to downplay the abuse by saying that it was probably an isolated incident; the other is trying to believe that it was someone else that abused my husband and he is just not remembering it right.
I am so disappointed that my husbands family are so blind and that it appears as if they believe that the abuse did not happen especially with the golden boy of the family being the perperatrator.
I realize husband does not need any of his family's permission nor their support to heal. I know this in my head but in my heart I had hoped they were better than what they are. Watching him be disappointed by his family yet again has been very hard for me witness. At least he has my unconditional support and a good therapist in his corner for healing.
Any thoughts on this?
 
i see this happen often. when you tell someone, you in effect make them part of your abuse. finding this out, anyone he tells will have to deal with it too. just like most survivors initially deny it was abuse, naturally they will too. finding out thier own brother abused him is painful for them, so they deny and excuse it. they are no different than we survivor's are. we didnt want to believe it in many cases, and humans are all kind of the same in how they act.
 
Phoster. I'm glad you replied. I didn't quite see it that way but what you said stands to reason.
"they are no different than we survivor's are. we didnt want to believe it in many cases, and humans are all kind of the same in how they act."
Thanks!
 
realize they may never be willing to face it. in his book abused boys, mic hunter warns against telling anyone before you are well on your way to recovery. he says you have to be prepared for rejection, and at a place and time you can deal with it. i know in my case, telling hurt my relationship with my family. i think they blame me for bringing this pain on them, and they blame themselves because they had to see the signs. the effects of this will spread through many lives, and all we can do is live with it the best we can.
 
I realize my husband was not far enough along to tell anyone. He was sort of forced to disclose only because there was a child in danger of being hurt by his brother. I'm not sure it did any good since no one is willing to protect their young from this man.
I understand what you are saying about them perhaps blaming themselves since they should have seen the signs. I know I'd feel a sense of guilt had one of my siblings disclosed to me and I had grown up not realizing it happened or if I did looked the other way.
 
my parents caught me acting out time and again. at eight with a neighbor girl, at eight with my male cousin. the caught me with porn and other things as a young teen. they saw me dark and depressed, moody as my dad called it. my telling only pointed out how badly they had failed me. like it or not, i am thru living a lie. it is what it is.

i was forced to tell before i was ready too. it just came out when they kept probing why i had so many doctor's appointments.

i hope all is okay for you two and for these ones at risk. as promised i will remember you in my prayers.
 
SnS,

Family members miss the opportunity to support the survivor in their midst for all kinds of misguided reasons. Sometimes they just can't believe that this sort of thing can happen in "our family" - a classic case of denial. Or else they erroneously believe that the proper response is to keep the abuse secret and deal with it within the family circle. But that usually means doing nothing and leaving the survivor to cope as he can, as if he's the guilty party. And sometimes the family members just can't see how serious the abuse must have been; instead they focus on the need to "hold the family together". That usually means guilt-tripping the survivor: "Look what YOU are doing to our family."

All that is nonsense of course. Your husband may not have been ready to disclose, in which case he must be a very brave man - he did it to protect the next possible victim. The abuser and no one else is to blame here; if there are repercussions within the family, then the perp bears responsibility all by himself.

I'm so glad he has your support and a good therapist. With the help of the both of you he will soon come to realize that for what he has done he should feel very VERY proud, not guilty.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks Larry! The entire guilt thing holds true here. I think the statement: "Look what you are doing to the family," was said by his sister verbatim.
Although I feel sadness because I know how much my husband's sisters mean to him, if it is a toxic environment, husband needs to take the time to seperate in order to heal. This has all seemed like an unusual amount of stress for him. I agree that he should feel very proud about what he chose to do about the situation. It took a brave man to stand up to the bully and (ready or not)break the silence to spare the pain of a child. I am very proud of him.
Thanks for your insight.
s-n-s
 
SnS,

On separation, your husband needs to see that if relatives in his family react irresponsibly and selfishly to what he had to do, then THEY are the ones who are causing the break in relations. Here too he is not to blame.

Much love,
Larry
 
Good point about the responsibility being on his family for causing the break. His older sister wrote a letter and made statements like "his version" of what happend (talking about my husband) and what he "said" happened. I think her motivation is to have everything swept under the rug in order to enable the family to be together once again. I keep feeling as if being together in denial at the cost to husband's spirit is more important to them than being together in a healthy sort of way. I don't know if I'm making any sense but it seems as if they want husband to ignore the dignity of the soul within him.
He is just at the begining of the whole process and I realise there is quite a bit to face along the road up ahead. I know I'll need a bucket of patience to carry along with us right along with a backpack of understanding.
Thanks Larry for your insight. I think you are right on target with what you've said.
s-n-s
 
SnS,

I think her motivation is to have everything swept under the rug in order to enable the family to be together once again.
Click to expand...
I think the reply to such an argument is that the family has already been broken apart by what the abuser has done. Pretending that nothing has happened, or that what happened doesn't matter, just makes the breach worse. Genuine healing requires an effort to come to terms with what has happened. The abuser may continue to be loved and supported within the family circle, but he still remains responsible for his actions.

Much love,
Larry
 
Very true and I thank you for your take on this. The abuser is at fault for the breakdown of the family.
The abuser in this case however, believes that he did no wrong and that everything he imposed was typical behavior among brothers. (rationalizing, denial) He's projecting that attitude onto everyone else and they are buying into his line of fabrication. The point is however, it does not matter what any of husband's family thinks, it only matters what my husband himself thinks and feels. I pray that he will experience geniune healing and embrace the promising future he so deserves.
S-n-S
 
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