Trying to let it out....(possible trigger)Long

Trying to let it out....(possible trigger)Long
B

breakinfree

Registrant
Hi, I have been reading the posts on this site for about a week or so and today I feel like I want to tell my story, at least as much as I can bear to tell right now. My name is Chris I am 32 yrs old, and I guess I became a survivor about 3 or 4 weeks ago. I was physically and sexually abused as a child. I was about 8 (I think) when the SA started and went on for a long while. Feels like forever. And for me one of the hardest parts about the SA was that it was my brother. I had not told one soul until lately, I took it all and put it so deep inside so noone would see. I have lived a 2 dimensional life since then. Never showing my true self. My father was a very angry person, and I took the brunt of it, he was physically and verbally abusive..and to avoid the conflict I learned to say whatever it was he wanted to hear and that carried over to the rest of my life. I avoided conflict at all cost. I was so ashamed and embarrassed by the SA that I felt I would have to die knowing it and never letting anyone ever know. I feared being judged, feared how people would think I was so weak and that I wanted it to happen or something. Why didn't I fight, why didn't I stop it..I have lived such a fearful life. I thought about ending the pain so many times, thank God I didn't ! I ended up getting married to a woman I didn't love because i let her control my life. I allowed my life to be directed because I didn't know how to live. I never shared any of this with her, never. I lived my life as a liar, a shallow cold existance. I never felt anything, never allowed myself true happiness nor sadness. Just flat, unfeeling. About 4 yrs ago I meet a girl, more than a girl eventually I would learn that she was my angel. Very slowly my wall that i have circled around myself started falling, just brick by brick, so slowly. I had been minipulated into staying with the soon to be ex, with threats about a numbver of things. So of course because I was weak and so scared of having any type of confrontation I stayed, it was so hard to live each day, so many times i just wanted everything to stop, I wanted to end it all.. But like I said, my Angel had already been slowly taking down my wall. Well finally, I had the strength to finally go. I left and came clean to my GF about everything, I had been lying to her saying i was no longer there because i didn't want her to see how weak I am. It was so hard to tell the truth, harder than anything ever. Well in that time of coming clean, everyting about my past came rushing at me like a train. I have had the most horrific nightmares about my SA lately, it seems that letting down my wall has opened up my hurt. It invades my days and almost every night. Some nights I have to sit up for hours and hours just so I won't have to keep reliving it all. This is all just so hard and I am so hurt/sad/angry/scared. Somedays I feel like i don't have the fight in me to get thru it all. I have told my GF about my childhood SA, somehow someway I trust her when I could never have dreamed of it before. She is so caring and responsive to my feelings, something I never experianced before. I am trying to work out my anger and fear with her and a therapist. I just wanted to say something, put something down on this site because I have never seen men rally around each other the way you guys do. I applaud all of you,your strength and I wish I had the same...anyway, I know my thoughts are so scattered as is my head..Sorry for the rambling but I just needed to get something out, it is killing me, and has been for 20 plus yrs.. :(
 
man, i know it hurts, but you have taken a huge leap into a new way of life. i havent completely gotten it straight yet, but i know where i was adn where i am. now is definately better. it'll be rocky, but at least you arent hiding behind those walls anymore. silence is a prison, and talking is the key. i am sure of that much. welcome, and keep talking.

jeff
 
My dear friend and brother,

You've taken a big step in getting your life back. It won't be easy, and it may seem like the road is even longer at times, but it will get BETTER now that you no longer have this lodestone in your life.

Taking back your life is a noble and beautiful thing. And you've started down the path. Congratulations!

I love you, my brother. No strings attached and nothing wanted in return.

Peace, and I'm glad to "meet" you.

Scot
 
Some days are just sooo hard, I just want to curl up in the corner (where I have spent lots of hours)but I move, I get up and continue to fight this. It's just that the dreams are just so intense right now, I wake in pain. The same exact pain I remember from before like it is all happening all over again. I woke last night heaving as I did every single time I was SA..Does this end, is there ever going to be an end ? It is so hard to see the light at the end when it feels like the clouds are thickening more each day. I am blessed with a woman that loves me like noone ever has, I can confide in her, I trust her..I have never trusted anyone since my SA. After all, this was suppossed to be family/ the safest place a kid is suppossed to know and feel love. That was not love, it was my hell..It left me so confused about love and trust, confused about myself and everyone around me. So to trust this angel with all of my deepest hurts is unbelivable. I never thought I would ever love, or be loved, but I am begining to "feel" love. I haven't felt anything in so long so this is a miracle in itself. But along with "feeling" love I am feeling the hurt and the pain. It washes over me and leaves me drownding in it. So for now I am trying to survive, for me and for my angel...Thank you all again, I have never seen anything like this, men showing caring and banding together for one another..I read someones quote the other day and it has stuck in my head "If you are going thru hell, keep going.." and that is all I am trying to do...
 
Breakingfree -

I am pleased that you have found this site, and that it is of help to you.

I applaud all of you, your strength and I wish I had the same....

Well I had none or very little when I first came here 31st Dec 2003... I am now quite strong .... stay with us and you will gain much strength, I promise you - it's not easy, but you can do it!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Breakingfree: The first step is to let the dirty little secret out. You have done it. But it never was your dirty little secret it was your GD brother's. And never forget that ok. He was no brother believe me. He should have been your role model and guardian and he was none of that.

Now I have to tell you that you are surrounded here by brothers in the truest sense and you will never be alone again.

It will be rough at first I will not deny it. But it will slowly get better. You cannot change the facts of the past. What you can change is your beliefs and feelings about the past. Put the anger where it belongs and not direct it inwards. Forgive yourself for how you coped. It kept you alive. Cherish the love of your girlfriend and give some back.

You have embarked on a road that will lead to actually living every day rather than passing through it as a spectator.

Welcome my brother.
 
Breakinfree,

Welcome, glad you found us. Sorry that you needed to, but glad you did.

Wow. You hit the floor running. Such strength and conviction. I'm glad you have a supportive girlfriend. That is such a great help.

take care,
Bill
 
Some days it feels like it was alot easier when I had it deep inside. I didn't "feel"..Now I have times throughout my day when I just feel I am not worth all of this. I have hurt people with my actions, my lies I told to avoid so much. Now I "feel" the pain, I feel the pain I caused and wonder how can I possibly be loved. How can anyone look at me and think I want to be with him. I feel so guilty, I feel so tainted.. I hate what has been taken from me, so many years of my life were taken from me. That makes me so angry. I have moments throughout my day where I feel so ashamed of everything, from my SA to my ways of coping. I wish I had been so much stronger..just had to get this off my mind, the load can feel so overwhelmingly heavy sometimes...Thank you, everyone...and hopefully one day I will feel an equal to all of you, for I would be proud to call you all my brother..
 
You said:

one day I will feel an equal to all of you, for I would be proud to call you all my brother..
Click to expand...
You are an equal to us right now. Brother we are all on the same road at different intersections. The important thing to remember is that we are never alone again.

Coping kept you alive. For me coping did the same but sure did not help my self image. I was a male prostitute, a heroin addict, an alcoholic and I acted out with violent men during my life. Definitely not man of the year qualities. But I coped. I have forgiven myself for what I have done and feel comfortable with myself now. You will too. Just stick with us. Get involved. I have found that helping has given me much more than I would have believed.
 
Welcome here Chris. I can relate to very much what you said, as my father was also very abusive, and the sexual abuse (from a sport coach), it went on from an early age for many years. I am very glad that you have found someone so very helpful and supportive to you. You have made a difficult beginning already. The journey of healing will not be an easy one, but you are fortunate to already have such a kind friend to support and assist you. I hope that you find this site also as a source of insight and support. There are some very generous and kind men here. I wish you good luck.

leosha
 
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