Trying to get over what she did (TW)


New Registrant
I was sexually abused twice in my life, as a child and as an adult. As an adult it was by my ex girlfriend, let's call her A. I couldn't say no to anything and I HAD to have sex when she wanted. She'd often force me into things and berate me if I didn't act like I was enjoying it. I wont get into the nitty gritty, obviously. Anyway, this lasted for 2 years and at the time I thought it wasn't sexual abuse until my friend, lets call her M kinda pointed it out and asked me why I didn't see this as abuse, why I thought it was an okay thing to have done to me. She asked me if she came to me one day and said that her fiance was treating her that way, would I consider it abuse. It all kind of dawned on me at that moment that she had made a very good point and made it clear to me that what was happening to me wasn't okay. I kept mostly to myself and began trying to pull away from A, which made it worse until one day, A randomly called me on the way home from a road trip with my mom to pick up her new dog. A told me she was bored of me and wanted to see other people. I was like, "Good." and I hung up and blocked her. A lived an hour away but I was still scared of her popping in for unexpected visits. Luckily, she really was bored of me and it never happened. Among sexual abuse, A also smacked me around and I would always take it because men shouldn't hit women.

Today, I have trouble with my girlfriend, (her name also starts with an A but let's call her C to avoid confusion). C is such an amazing person. But I find myself struggling with what A did to me, even though its been 10 years. I never opened up about it in any therapies I did. I was afraid of the "You're a man, you should like it" mindset. I cried when I told C because I was afraid of what she'd say to me or think. I think both experiences have resulted in me being hypersexual. I can't get enough and most of the time I don't even really want it, emotionally but I feel like I NEED it. I have a hard time when she doesn't want to, not that I wont take no for an answer but more like, I feel rejected or something is wrong with me. I've flinched more than once when she gets upset with me, thinking I'm about to be smacked across the face. I fight with C a lot over trauma I thought was long gone. C has never hit me or abused me in any way but I can't help but bring my trauma over. I buried it for so long I thought I was over it but I'm realizing because I've never processed it in therapy, I really just kinda stuck my head in the sand to avoid feeling anything until meeting C and I could no longer avoid things.
I've made a list of things I want to talk to my therapist about regarding the trauma A caused. Other than venting here, where I feel safe, is there anything else you would recommend for me? I wonder sometimes if C and I should do therapy sessions together, not that we're on the brink of breaking up but because I wonder if her really sitting in on a session where I can be open about everything I've truly experienced in a setting where someone is there in case I get too upset.
Hey Ry, fellow male domestic/sexual abuse survivor here. I'm glad you were able to get out of that situation and see it for what it really was.

What you're going through now is very normal for us guys who have been abused in relationships. You're not alone. I myself have had that push-pull feeling about sex, and been worried that my current wife is going to abuse me as well.

I'm really glad you're going to tackle this in therapy. I think that's the best thing you can do for yourself. It definitely wouldn't hurt for C to sit in on a therapy session with you, especially if you find it difficult to tell her what you've been through by yourself.

The other thing I recommend is to try and find a men's group. They can be difficult to find as us men don't like to talk much, but they can be incredibly healing. If nothing else, you have this place. Rape centers often run groups, and I'd recommend group therapy too, even if you have to sit in a group with mostly women.

You took the first step by writing about what you went through here. That's huge. You're now on the path to healing. You did good. Please let me know if there's anything I can do. I've been on the path for almost four years now and I pretty much feel like I have my life back.


New Registrant
@Strangeways Thank you for the support and encouragement! I'm sorry that you know how it goes as well.
I don't think I would have really seen it if M wasn't like, "Hey, Procario, you need to step back and look at it from an outside perspective." And I give her so much praise for being the one to say it, even today.
I'm going to ask C if she wouldn't mind siting in a session, then bring it up to my therapist and ask her if she's up for it.
I'm moving to a bigger city in the fall and I hope I can find more resources there. Right now, where I live is a small city in a small state but where I'm going is actually a lot bigger and more populated. I'm hoping that means more readily available resources. So I'll definitely try and find a group there.