Trying hard not to hate women *maybe triggering*

rileyk86

Registrant
Hi. I just found this forum and I've found it very helpful in coping with my abuse. My mother and father divorced when I was 4. My mother abandoned me for about a year. She just disappeared without saying a word. She is an alcoholic and was really bad when I was young. She did however come back and actually became a decent mother...though she still drinks too much even today. I never have forgiven her for leaving. Since then I have never really known a woman I could trust outside a few other family members. (Aunts, grandmothers).

My father remarried when I was six. It was my first step mother that sexually abused me between ages 6 through 9. It was more than just touching, a lot more. But I'll spare the details. I have been having very bad nightmares/flashbacks recently. I was diagnosed with schizophrena at at 26. Since then I've been stable on medicine. However, in retrospect, I have probably been mentally ill since age 8. I am on disability now and I just got a part time job. I'm 33 now.

Anyway. I can't seem to trust any woman. Outside my family, women make me extremely nervous and even angry. Especially with feminists and the #metoo movement. Seems that women think boys can't be sexually abused. The more I hear of women calling men evil, the more angry I become. I guess I know not all women are like that. But it sometimes feels like most women are.

I have been pressured by women before...mostly in college... to have sex. And, well, I usually just gave in. I'm embarrassed to say I've had 24 sexual partners. Sex has always been something I feel like I'm supposed to be submissive too. I was (technically, I guess) sexually assaulted once as an adult, by a woman. Some drunk girl in a bar grabbed my crotch and asked if I wanted to buy her a drink "for a good time". It made me feel helpless, but I managed to say no.

I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust women. My now ex-wife of 10 years cheated on me with 16, yes 16, men I knew about. She also was insatiable about sex. She ALWAYS wanted it. (Not to sound sexist, but she was the "man" in our relationship). I was always submissive until our last year when I just finally said no. That's when she left. I really don't know if I'll ever be in a relationship again.

How can I not hate women?
 
Hi RileyK86,
How can I not hate women?
I don't really see a problem with your hating women. It's probably the early signs of strength in you. I've struggled with my anger toward women (and my mother in particular) a great deal. When I finally honoured it and gave it its place (without becoming abusive myself) I was able to set some healthy emotional boundaries on my mother (and face my fear of abandonment) and other hurtful women.

My path these days is more about finding ways to love and mother myself and the little kid inside me that is still looking for his mother. It's a great deal of work but I'm noticing that many of the messages I received from both parents were internalized. Finding a way to bring some peace and harmony to my inner world is helping me calm down and relax.

Congratulations for saying "No" to the woman in the bar who assaulted you. It can be challenging to confront the belief that women can do whatever they want to men and none of it is abusive or hurtful.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Cheers, Garth
 
I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust women.
It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way. If you do a Google search for "I don't trust men" you'll find thousands of women who have been abused and traumatized by men who have the problem in reverse. The only difference is that women are allowed to be angry at and scared of men. Men aren't allowed to be angry at and scared of women, and people get pissed at you if you express anger at of fear of women. The #MeToo movement has made people much angrier at all men and even less likely to believe that people like us have been abused by women, since now it's even clearer to most people that only women can be victims. It's bullshit. C'est la vie.

I was sexually, emotionally, and physically abused by my ex-wife and I have been in the same place as you are now. I found a fantastic trauma therapist who was a woman who just happened to be the same age my ex-wife was when she abused me. It helped me put my abuse into context and helped me understand that abusers are abusers. All women are no more abusers than all men are.

If you're not in trauma therapy, I strongly advise it. My best to you. We're all in this together.
 
Hi @rileyk86, your difficulties about divorce and abandonment resonate with me. I'm sorry you also had such an abusive step mom, and wife whose sex drive severely strained the attachment problems we face. When I began to try and make changes, emotions ran raw.

I've looked hard at my past, and what filters current parts of my life pass through. It's a bias I've had to come to terms with. I had fear of sex, but somehow I still got married at 23, and remain so. Like you and others share, marriage to an abusive partner really hurts, it suppresses a big part of what I think is the real me. Verbal, emotional, and failure to respect my belongings has kept me on edge for 3 decades. I have some added boundaries and skills to help me cope. I remain for many reasons, it's not what I want to share with this post. It's my bias filters which therapy has shown me can create a lot of resentment, fear, anger, and other difficult to cope emotions.

One of my filters kept me fixated and showing an acquiescence which held my abandonment, and attachment fear, a fear to live like myself, for all of my life to now. I'm working on it, and that's where recognizing these filters, and in particular, one of them, which holds me hard in its grip. This past June I found some relief and will continue to check the progress of my relief.

I notice my reactions to other people much better now, and it's new for me. To me, when I start to check what I'm filtering my circumstance through, I find I can make at least one and maybe more choices. It's usually, do I engage, or not?

I'm sharing a broad perspective here, and if anyone, you, gets what I'm starting to do; I hope to read that?
 

lotr

Registrant
Hello rileyk86,

don't be afraid or ashamed of your feelings. You have been abused, and it is normal to hate the people who did that to you, male or female doesn't matter.
 

dark empathy

Registrant
strangeways said:
It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way. If you do a Google search for "I don't trust men" you'll find thousands of women who have been abused and traumatized by men who have the problem in reverse. The only difference is that women are allowed to be angry at and scared of men. Men aren't allowed to be angry at and scared of women, and people get pissed at you if you express anger at of fear of women. The #MeToo movement has made people much angrier at all men and even less likely to believe that people like us have been abused by women, since now it's even clearer to most people that only women can be victims. It's bullshit. C'est la vie.
I pretty much agree with everything Strangeways says here. My own abuse at school was built very much on the "don't hit girls" "don't touch girls" principle, and the current major acceptance of open misandry (man hating), just makes the situation a hell of a lot worse.

For me at least, there is an out, since I did happen to run across an absolutely wonderful, deeply compassionate woman who by an amazing coincidence I am married to, and who gets just as irritated by the misandry as I do, however I freely admit that in an era when its quite acceptable for a woman to say "all men are pigs," being jealous of the way women both get modern empowerment and the protection of the old sexist system is quite difficult, especially when you see a lot of the vitriolic crap which gets spouted all over the place.

For me, the thing I always try to remember is that "women!" The homogeneous alien species whom angry feminists describe as creatures so different from the evil men actually has nothing to do with any individual lady I might happen to run across in my life, and that any female people I actually meet are pretty just that, not any too different from me other than in obviously biological ways, and even the ones who's very smell or physical proximity I find triggering are no less likely to be vile or abusers than anyone else.

As someone once said "men are from earth, women are from earth, deal with it!"

I freely admit this is not easy, especially when I read yet another diatribe against men or another novel exclusively portraying men as testosterone fuelled bofoons, but its something I do try to remember.
 
Top