Trusting my memory

Trusting my memory
L

Larrymat

Registrant
At age 58 I know this seems so odd to deal with these issues now. But I'm working with therapist to understand why I am what I am, which is a sexzual mess. I don't drink or do drugs, and I'm married 30 plus years. Yet I'm a compulsive cheat and have done so many risky things that I knew something was wrong with me. The memories with my mother of passive aggressive dominance and sexual abuse are growing, plus from a male neighbor, when I was 9 through 12. Yet I don't trust my memories. Is it real? Or fantasy? But the dots all connect and my behavior makes sense. And the memories keep growing. We'll be doing EMDR so maybe that will help. When the stress grows, I simply can't stop myself from doing these weird sexual things. Was I just wired that way, or are these memories so real I have buried them? God, it makes me so depressed, scared and yet erotic. Any feedback would be so appreciated.
 
Always trust anything you get im memories, never distust them. They are real and not imagined events no matter how bad,

take care,

ste
 
You are in your journey toward healing. All these new things will pop up and confound you. Just know you are no longer alone and many of us care about the bumps and bruises that come along the way. Let your therapist in and be sure he/she is the right one for your journey. Welcome and good luck toward your recovery.
 
Thanks for those quick and positive replies. I just have trouble accepting that those memories can be real sometimes; how could that happen and me still have a relation with my mother, for instance? Or not have remembered for so long what happened when i was 9, 10 with the neighbor? There's so much darkness and gaps in there. Just these fragments and my own behavior. But connceting the dots makes some memory coime back to and the erotic, scary nature makes me even more fearful and wanting it. So damn confusing! But thanks!
 
Hi Larry,

Welcome to the site. For myself it has taken time to integrate the returned memories. They seemed so shocking and so cut off from day to day reality. I also find that it takes time to be able to accept how painful they are and it used to feel less painful for me to accuse myself of making them up, crazy making as that is.

It is confusing but it will get clearer as you work on this stuff.


Peter.
 
Larry:
As the others said, trust your memories. Many times, SA survivors have blanks of memory during childhood. I don't remember much of anything before age 13 other than I was born and went to school with mini-snippets here and there.
I underwent EMDR after Hurricane Andrew because I was suffering from PSTD. This opened Pandora's Box of memories of violent abuse. Then the memories started coming back day by day.
Some of the abuse that I went thru was covert which sometimes is worse because I can't put my finger on specific instances.
I learned many years ago to trust my "gut". As you said, my recovered memories started to make sense and the picture gradually became more clear.
Unfortunately, there has been a lot of "bad press" over the years with recovered memories. Many times they were the result of therapists who put suggestions into their patients' minds or lead them in a certain direction. That is NOT the case nowadays - my psychiatrist did NOTHING to lead me into certain thoughts.... I did NOT expect the stuff that was going to come up. It was completely unexpected.
You're in the right place - keep posting. Through honest feedback we all end up helping each other in the healing process.

Sophiesdad
 
Once again, thanks four everyone's feedback. The up and down emotion of trusting myself is so difficult. Just litle fragments like how I'm dressed (or not) when the neighbor is there, the smell of carpet...part of me says no way can that be real. Am I wired differently so that I fantasize all this stuff. Or is it true as more things pop into my head, both about him and my mother. Do I have the weird sexual history that I have because of how I am "wired" or because of what happened, if it happened? If I accept it as real, does more come into my head? And what's the point? Right now, I'm not angry at them -- well, maybe my mother to some degree. But it's not like I'll approach them - mom is 84, the neighbor lives away from here and must be late 70s - and ask why did you do this? Why would I? And part of me, I admit, LIKES the feeling of depression, shame and how it has messed me up sexually. It sure ain't simple when behavior can be triggered so easily. AAhh, phooey! LOL I have a visit with my therapist today and we'll see what she thinks again. Thank you all.
 
I remember when certain things happened to me years ago in high school, I simply could not deal with them at the time. My solution was put them out of my mind and I told myself that later, when there was more time, I would review those events and examine within myself what I did and what I didn't do and whether I was to blame or not. Later on I did try to resolve my conflicts -- but never too satisfactorily. The original events happened 55 years ago and gradually at various times new insights would suddenly come to mind. I still do not have all the answers and I am still struggling with those issues. I suspect that I will struggle with them until the day I die.
 
Larry & Doug,
Im just like you two guys and im also in the same age group. I never thought by this age I would still remember the things that happened to me when I was younger. I also had a Mom who was over protective and a father who was home but not really home as he was either out drinking with the boys or screwing around with his girl friend from the office which I found out many years later. My Bud who I grew up with was abused by either his Dad or his Grandfather or maybe both. We ended up always having sex together and he turned his abuse he got from his dad to physically abusing me with unwanted anal sex as I couldn't control him physicially. from that point on I never knew where I stood with my sexuality as I tried to escape my bud but really never tried hard enough. We even got caught together at age 13 in the celler of an apartment building by the building super who said he was going to tell our Parents. We begged him not to tell and for some reason he said ok, he wouldn't tell. I have no idea if he ever did or not as my parents never said a word and as far as I know his Parents never said a word either. Maybe he should have said something as I could have escaped from my bud. Now years later Im married well over 30 years with a grown family and a mind full of guilt and a Bud I still sometimes keep in touch with. However he seems to forget our past and only remembers what he wants to. I ended up hating him but for some reason still think of him and the things we did even if I was forced into them. I still MB with the thoughts of him being on top of me during those things I was afraid of him for. Some people think of SA as being abushed by and old coach, priest, scout leader, or some family member. I was SA by my best bud who was the same age and was so scared that I could never speak out about it. As a family man I feel so guilty about this. He never married and forthat Ithink he is lucky as he probably has less guilt than me.
Ritchie22
 
Your thoughts, plus my own memory, bring back so much to me. I remember being scared of being smothered and now know it was when the male boarder forced me down -- at the age of perhaps 9 -- was on top of my chest and face and forced me to suck him. I now remember the pain from him; he was rough. Don't be a sissy..God, I remember him telling me over and my nipples hurt even today now that I remember. I remember Mom was soft hands, Cecil was rough hands. At ages 8 thru 11, with much still blocked and causing anxiety, I realize what they were doing to me at different times. Once I told my mother I didn't want Cecil to stay with me one evening, and she said, but he's so nice, he likes you and you two get along so well. So he stayed with me while her and dad were out. And he had me. How could she not know? Or was she blinded by what she was doing to me? Ooohh, sometimes these memories just flash and I don't think I am making them up. The sad part...at some point, I loved the neighbor and wanted to please him. So I did. How horrible I must have been to be that way.
Shuddering...both fear, shame and arousal. I admit it. Even today at 58..almost 50 years later!!

Larry
 
Larry, I have those similar thoughts you have that I can't explain. My buds was mostly physicially abused by his dad and I think his grandfather for always being a failure in their eyes for every little thing such as getting a B on a Report Card instead of an A. Or not during good in a little league baseball game. He told me how they would beat him for these little things and not being good enough. So for some reason he singled me out to vent his frustrations. He was taller and a lot bigger than me physicially and had no trouble handling me physicially. We started sex at age 12 and all we really done was j/o together. Once the touching and fondling started around age 14 we started anal sex which I thought I would like. I didn't, but he had always intimidated me and made me turn over and it hurt. For some reason I continued having sex with him even though I would have to submit to him. The pain was too much for me so instead of laying on my stomach he flipped me over and ented me with my legs over his shoulders and him looking down at me. He promised me that it wouldn't hurt. All I could see in his eyes was a fierce look as he had me trapped and wouldn't get off me until he was satisfied hearing me scream and beg. He had me so scared of him that I would jump whenever he would say lets go somewhere and have fun. I can't understand why I always got aroused when he would give me orders to do what he wanted even though I knew it was going to hurt. Even today when we talk on the phone he still has command over me and I still get aroused just hearing his voice even though it's been about 40 years since we last had sex. I still don't understand why I wish he was still on top of me with that menecing look and loving the way he was hurting me. He's not the only man I ever had sex with, but for some strange reason he's the only man I still think about and crave for, and at the same time he is the only man I ever feared and still fear. The older I get, the more I still think about him. I don't understand why these Bizzare Feelings for a Man who always loved tourching me?
Ritchie
 
Larry,

I first want to pick up on a point you raised:

The sad part...at some point, I loved the neighbor and wanted to please him. So I did. How horrible I must have been to be that way.
Click to expand...
You were not horrible - you were being tricked and hurt by someone who abused a little boy's trust. The feeling of being horrible is just a reaction after the fact, a way of explaining how this could happen. It's a variation of the "all my fault" song. And of course it's entirely wrong. It was never your fault.

As for pleasing your neighbor, that's what kids do. They want approval and they like it when they get it. But again, this was distorted and used to confuse and abuse you.

On to memory: I am now 56 (birthday a few days ago!) and had much the same experience. I was abused from age 11 to 14 and after it ended I coped by convincing myself that nothing had ever happened. From what others have said here I think it's safe to say this kind of thing occurs all the time. In my case I managed to keep up the facade for decades until finally a key event brought it all crashing down around my ears. But yes, I find that all of my memories are true. I remember them as I experienced them as a little boy, so that makes them quite painful to me now. But they are real.

I cope with that by telling myself that if I am going to recover I have to start with these memories and deal with them - because they are real. This actually is what happened to me.

Hang in there,
Larry
 
Thanks again all. This roller coaster is maddening. And I understand that manipulation must have occurred by my neighbor. It's just that...my mother, and my grandmother too I remember at 7 they put me on a bed and used a spoon on my butt. I'm sure of that, I think. And these memories of the neighbor, which won't bore you with those details again and new ones have popped. But are these real??? Could anyone have fantasies hitting like this and of this intensity? And leading to the anxiety, the mix of disgust and shame and arousal I feel all the time now at 58!!! And on the surface, so normal and straight. At least I'm staying away from the adult theaters where I've spent way too much time letting others have me. My therapist said she believes my mother conditioned me to be a victim, to be feminine almost, and the neighbor sensed it and cashed in..that perhaps she even knew in some form. Have I imagined this and misled her??? If I'm right, I was being used a lot, by more than one, when I was only 9, 10, maybe 11. Didn't I have some responsiblity here? Or is this all a brief moment or something wired wrong going haywire in my brain? Or can I just not accept the truth? How's that for a milion questions?

Larry
 
What always floors me with all of us here is the way we still get aroused many years later from the memories that made us scared and ashamed. It makes me wonder if im imagining things but then I hear your stories!
 
I'm sorry now my post is everywhere. Kinda out of control. Have to work desperately right now and the memories and urges are so damn strong. Him on me using me my mom using me. I'm trying to work but here I am masturbating and messing upo where I post. This is so shameful i know but it arouses me so much. Better than going to adult thtrs like I have so often and risking disease. But I'm wallowing in it..if it was even true!! Geez. I'll try to stop masturbating and work again sorry
Larry
 
Larry
I also began recoverning my SA memory 50 years after it happened. We used EMDR. Since the abuse happened when I was very young, 1.5 to 4 or 5, I found the memories mostly held in my body with feelings of discomfort, (shameskin, I call it) which I sometimes feel even now when I am stressed.

I was very confused about these memories because they had no mind pictures or any verbal thought about them and it was hard to accept that it was my mother that had abused me.

My approach was to look at all my life long symptoms (reading here about other's symptoms helped a lot) and since I have been legally trained, to see if I could make the case to a jury, me. Lots of cases are built on circumstantial evidence rather than direct, "smoking gun", evidence. When I reached the point where I was convinced beyond a reasonal doubt, I put aside my doubts and got on with my recovery. This revelation was like finding the missing piece of a puzzle that gave me the chance to no longer live in complete confusion, wondering why I was like this.

So, you are not alone. The memory recovery comes when you are ready, for us it took a long time. I regret the loss to the many years of my life not knowing, but I have worked to get past that as well. The real reward is in seeing myself heal little by little, and the benefits to those I love.

May I suggest that you may want to check out the At Risk forum. Although they guy who runs it is away for a couple weeks, contacting Ken who will get back to you when he returns, might be helpful. It is a good place to sort out those kind of issues.
 
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