trusting men

trusting men
T

TexasCowboy

Registrant
I'm in my mid 40's and feel that because of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child I have never really been able to connect with anyone for very long in terms of a love relationship, men or women. I keep blaming myself, that it must be me. It's not that I'm unattractive; in fact, it's quite the opposite. I relate better to men sexually and emotionally, but I'm really down on men, period, feeling that men are pigs, straight, gay, bisexual, ad infinitum ad nausaem. Maybe it's that I'm in recovery and trying to become a survivor. I'm beginning to think that any sort of relationship is impossible and out of reach for me. It gets lonely.
 
TC i hear you - I am trying to do this as well

it will change i think - though - maybe it's a matter of letting it happen? I am not sure -

obviously it hasn't worked for me -

i am so distrustul yet concerned about people

that often times when i do want to love someone -
all the fears come back - and i freak out -

or similiar stuff - confusion - nerves -

and maybe in that - i am not ready? or it hasn't been a match -

it's tough - i am very tired - and so not saying

so much -

i really want to say it will be ok -

i don't know how it'll be for me -

so i can't say it for you --

just - good luck with it -

i wish i had soemthign great to say -

mgb
 
You are not alone, Cowboy. But it is not out of reach for you, me, or MarkGreyBlue.

I have been isolated for four years, going on five. But I am about to change my surroundings, my job, my friends, etc. And what I do, where I "look" for a partner has shifted drastically.

I'm single, and embracing it for now, working on myself so that the guy who gets the honor of my company is the lucky one, and hopepfully I am too.

anyway, hang in there - and make a small change in what you "do" - join a book club or something...to open yourself up to meeting different guys.

just a thought. your post helps me enormously. i am not alone, and that which does not kill us...

be strong, and post when you struggle...we're here for you.

john
 
Welcome, Tex!
You're already a survivor. Congratulations!
Welcome to this place of brotherhood and acceptance. You can be calm here, or you can scream your lungs out, and we'll be able to let you "get it all out" as much as you may need.
I sometimes believe that "all men are pigs" (myself included) but, like all generalizations, my belief does not hold up for long.
Men (and women) come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and flavors. Nobody's perfect, fur shure .. but I have not yet met anyone here at MS who isn't fully "in your corner" and willing to support you on your own path to recovery, no matter how long or difficult that path may turn out to be.
Be of good cheer. You are not alone!
Love, etc.,
 
TC: I am not a pig! Well, a little overweight, maybe. I can be trusted....I think....I hope. I'm scared a lot and whistling a happy tune doesn't cut it, but I put up a good front and I smile and say, "Hello"....most of the time. Sometimes I just sit in a corner and look like a complete idiot, unable to move or to talk. I hate when that happens, but try to be kind to myself about it. My point is that there are lots of us out there just like you and me and we don't find each other because we are all alike and we look like men to each other and so we're scared of each other and we never find each other because of that. That's why here is so nice. We've found us. We can know the inside of us without having to be afraid of the outside of us. And I really am trying to tell myself that, if the awful statistics about abuse are true, then the reverse of that is that there are a lot of us out there and that, when we are talking to one of those scary guys, there's a good chance that we're talking to someone just as nice as the people we talk to here, who is scared of us and doesn't know how nice we are. Catch 22. (or 23) Anyway, come here when you're lonely, and you won't be lonely any more. There aren't too many guys here who are any more friendly than me, but lots of them are more sane than me, and you'll enjoy meeting every single one of them. And you'll never be able to think that all men are pigs ever again. Welcome. Bobby
 
Texas,

I think it's a challenge for a survivor working towards recovery to doubt his possibilities for a relationship, but for reasons that may surprise him.

A relationship requires us to take risks. We have to lay it on the line and hope that the person we have in mind will respect our feelings and not be out to hurt us.

For a survivor that can be very difficult. After all, what did we learn as boys? That trust is a bad idea, that the world is unsafe for us and that harm can reach out for us any time and from any direction.

Those feelings of peril and distrust don't go away just because we grow up. I think somehow this lies at the core of the matter.

Much love,
Larry
 
Trev,

Yep, it sure does! A year ago I would have agreed with you 100%. Hmmm...I wonder what happened?

And a year ago I would never have been able to say a TENTH of the gutsy things you say on the boards right now. You are already "trusting" more now than I could then.

By "trusting", I mean we have told you just say what you need to say, and you do it. Why? Because you trust us when we say you won't be blamed or judged. Okay, this is a website and if things go bad you can disappear and that's it.

But trust is a strange bird, one I think you're getting to relearn a bit more about each day.

Much love,
Larry
 
That trust issue comes up for me, too. I was raped by someone I loved, and that really demolished any sense of trust I had in anyone (at least gay men) for a long, long time. As an earlier person said above, taking the risk with someone else can make one feel pretty vulnerable - especially if treated disrespectfully.
 
I'm in a similar boat (to twist a phrase). I've never been in a relationship and at 39 I pretty much doubt it's going to happen for me. Trust is a big issue, trusting somebody enough to see the real me, I'm not there yet. And parts of me are still 12 or 13, I have some vague idea of what a real, intimate relationship is like, but no experience. I don't mean phyiscally, but emotionally, spiritually, psychologically.
I'm working on it, sort of, I'm trying to be more self-accepting, and trying to be more authentic (expressing my feelings, being more open).
 
Galapogos,

You speak about trying to be more authentic and self-accepting, and I think both those tasks are crucial in a survivor's effort to rebuild his ability to trust. If we want to be lovable by other people surely we have to begin by accepting and loving ourselves just as we are.

I have seen many survivors saying "I am x (fill in an age), so it's too late for me ever to achieve a relationship now". The problem is that the ages that get filled in range from 18 to 65! I don't think it's ever too late for anyone bro, but of course it always helps if we can start by being positive about ourselves, what we can do, and what we are worth. So often those things are in doubt only to ourselves.

Much love,
Larry
 
Trust is a difficult thing for me right now. Two weeks ago I my partner started an argument that ended with my camera being thrown out the window and smashing below, then he threw a glass of water at me. I was so scared, I see now that it was a flashback to being raped, but at the time I was in terror. The next day I left, my brother bought me an airline ticket and I've been here since.

I've had a lot of time to think. My parents were in an abusive relationship and I promised this would never happen to me. One thing I am proud of is that I did not hit him, I broke the cycle of violence.

He has been in counseling and attending anger management classes. I no longer fear him I am trying to work with my own anger in a constructive way. I do still I love him. He also just tested HIV+, this is a shock to me because I am poz and am racked with guilt about this.

Am I crazy? I am an attractive, intelligent 39 year old man. I want to forgive him and work on repairing our relationship, or at least making the clear decision that is can be fixed.

I call this stuff "fu*ked up rape shit" and I am still amazed 30 years later how much it effects my life. Thanks for letting me vent guys, I see the shrink on Wednesday. Dawg
 
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