Trust

[beccy]

Hi everyone,

I've actually been away on holiday for a couple of weeks....kids had a great time camping.

following on from my last topic of triggers, I want to add that since Sar asked if I could trust that my bf does actually want me, and that things will improve in the future, could I busy myself when the awkward moments occur? TRUST? Well, I've come to realise that it can be hard to know if bf is actually triggered or not, it all seems so ambiguous....which, added to everything else that's happened/he's said, leads to me to constantly be in a state of confusion and paranoia about how he actually feels for me......so I suppose the answer is, no I can't trust And I did used to trust people, I've not always felt this way.

I have said to bf that I would prefer it if we are not sexual at all at the moment. Initially he cried and said it's like he wants me, but can't have me. I buckled, and compromised. But on further thinking, decided that's nonsense anyway, cause he's ALWAYS had me. I've never faught for what I need sexually(I'm talking about communication amongst other things). I've never made him work for it. I've never made him work for me in any respect in fact. And I know I can't cope with the confusion/rejection of when he's maybe triggered/maybe not. (I'm not sure why everone seemed to think in my last topic, that my main concern was to know the details of my bf triggers. I would just like to clarify that was not what I have ever asked for or needed.)

So, again I said I'm not comfortable with us being sexual at the moment. He took it better the second time and aggreed. Except two times after that he told me, 'your tits look nice in that top'. I did say as kindly as possible that was being sexual and he noted that. Then said the same thing again the next day. I just said, 'I know that'. I don't really even want to be told that in that way. And i'm also thinking, surely I should feel reassured by these comments etc, but I don't! I feel objectified and like I don't understand why he's doing it, cause I certainly don't feel he wants me to reciprocate

I'm just not happy at all at the moment. The bottom line is the uncertainty of it all. Will he just come to realise he really doesn't want me? What do i do in the meantime? How can I feel alive in this kind of a life?

I'm sorry to sound so negative, but I'm really starting to wonder if i will ever be happy with him, or he with me.

I don't feel I'm coping well with it at all, although my therapist tells me otherwise.

I am 31 and feel like my life is passing me by. It's all exhausting me to the poit where I don't feel like I've got any energy to get on with things properly for myself. I don't trust people any more, can't make new friends, hardly socialise, have no financial independance and am worried the carreer path I'm following(musical) may not be fruitful. To put it clearly, I'm totally worried about my future and my kid's futures too. I'm also worried about what would happen if bf got himself into a dangerous situation of some kind. Although he tells me the urge to act out has been gone for months now. I worry he might not 'see' a potentially dangerous situation/person for what it was, or be able to stop it.

Also, on holiday, I remembered weeks previously he left the room to see who had called him. When he came back in, he said it was caller unkown. When I asked him why he had to leave the room to see who'd called, he said maybe it was so there was no noise, but I pointed out that he was only looking at who had called, not actually talking. He said nothing suspicious is going on, then asked if I was worried about anything else? I said no, should there be? The fact he asked me that makes me nervous, as the last time he asked me that, there WAS something else to be worried about.

Sorry to ramble, but there you have it. No trust.

Any advice?

peace,
Beccy

 

[cate]

Beccy:

Boy do I understand the trust and the doubts and the wondering if it is worth the wait! Trust waxes and wanes, but there are days when everytime he sits at the computer I think he's acting out, every time he puts his cell phone in his pocket I think he's going to go outside and "phone a friend" After many years of acting out, it is hard to trust. Lots of times I feel like my not trusting him is all MY FAULT (how dumb is that) and that I am not a good person for just signing on the trust wagon, when there is no intimacy in our marriage, and no proof to me that he even wants to be married to me.

Top that off with the fact that he has not called his T in a long while...trust??? Beccy, I understand.

Advice? Do you have a T? mine is showing me how to care for me, which has helped me in this holding pattern. I am trying to share this incredible burden with a few well chosen friends...even if I only tell them a few details, it helps.

So, I ramble too, on this trust thing. I hope for the best for you

 

[roadrunner]

Beccy,

So far as I can see, it looks like he is treating you as a sex object. For example, when he says, "Your tits look nice in that top". You're absolutely right to comment as you do:

I just said, 'I know that'. I don't really even want to be told that in that way. And i'm also thinking, surely I should feel reassured by these comments etc, but I don't! I feel objectified ....

You ARE being objectified, and where's the basis for trust in that? Those kinds of comments, if that's the best he can do, suggest that you are more his trophy than his partner. No wonder you are unsure of where things will go in the future, and I am not surprised you are reluctant to be sexual with him.

It looks to me like he has a lot of growing up to do where relationships are concerned, and some work to do in learning about respect.

Much love,
Larry

 

[beccy]

Thankyou Larry,

very reassuring what you said there..

it is interesting that since I've not wanted to be sexual, it's like he can't stop! But it's always one way; him coming on to me, in some kind of crass, objectifiying way and usually making me feel quite pressured....but if I reciprocate/initiate, he gets triggered and doesn't bother to reassure me that it wasn't about me, even the next day......he keeps saying it's stuff to do with me, eg, ''I thought you'd be angry I felt tired and that turned me off'', or ''I thought you 'wanted' something, something different than what I would have done'' (in the context of him wanting to touch my breasts and worrying I might want something different) I tried to explain that there ARE things I like/dislike and part of having a sexual relationship with someone is that you learn about their likes/dislikes. I explained that yes indead, I DO want things, but not in a demanding, judgmental way. He said it's like he feels 'on test', like there are the 'right' things to do, but he's not sure what they are.

I can see how a lot of this has been influenced by much of what has happened between us in our relationship, and I have my own load of problems accumulated from it all. BUT, I have decided none of it really counts, as that was all before he shared his history. So, I've been kind, understanding, patient and trying to work towards better communication. But I've been feeling that he's blaming me for things which are in no way my fault, which I have said to him. None of this is my fault.

sometimes I honestly feel like he hates me. He says he doesn't.....he certainly doesn't respect me though.

peace,
Beccy

 

[beccy]

Also, forgot to mention, about that 'Trophy' business. I've felt a bit like that in the recent past...in the light of his supposed 'attraction' to men, it has worried me that I could merely be there to ensure the status of his masculinity(in his eyes). Especially if he oversexualises everything, how do I really know he's actually sexually attracted to me? Or do you think his advances surely prove he's sexually attracted to me?

I'm so confused..

 

[roadrunner]

Beccy,

Survivors can become so sexually confused and traumatized that I would hesitate to comment much on what his advances say about whether he is sexually attracted to you.

The issue of advances themselves does make more sense to me though. He comes on to you when he wants sex and is emotionally ready and prepared for it, or when he thinks he has to prove himself. If you take the initiative, however, it recalls the abuser's sexual advances and he may also be caught by surprise.

But still, sex is something that should of course be shared and enjoyed by both partners, not demanded or rejected at the whim of one.

One thing I ought to ask you is this: Do you and your bf have a good history of communication over the course of your relationship? I don't mean about sex - just about things in general. Survivors often have difficulty here; we learned as kids that our needs were not important and that our job was to shut up about things that really troubled us.

I ask because even in a healthy relationship differences of opinion will arise and there will be sharp and cross moments. But if the two partners have established a good foundation in their ability to communicate with each other, they will be able to do so under pressure and will be able to see the dispute as a problem that needs to be solved together rather than as an argument that has to be won at all costs.

If that ability to communicate isn't there, then the question becomes: Can it be established now? It's difficult to see how problems can be solved if two people cannot - or feel disallowed from - espressing what they need.

Much love,
Larry

 

[beccy]

Well, it's interesting that you ask that Larry.

It has always been extremely difficult communicating reasonably with bf on all kinds of levels. I've brought my own difficulties too I believe. And since we both started therapy that fact became all the more clear. But, it does seem that is improving now. We can actually have proper conversations!

We talked last night and I asked him, if when he's triggered I either leave him be, or say, ''if something just happened for you, lets just chill for a bit''. Then give him some space, would he reassure me(even if it's the next day), that it was indeed a trigger and nothing to do with me. He said he would, so with that, I think it would be ok to be sexual again.....and wait and see how that goes for us.

fingers crossed

peace,
Beccy