Trust

I have a big issue with this subject. My wife tells me that this is the biggest problem in our marriage. That I don't trust enough.

I don't know about you guys, but I always examine everything that people say to me to tell me about how much they care. My wife and I are in therapy with this. I have my own therapy. My shrink says that I was betrayed by someone I trusted and that is the cause of this whole thing.

I dont't really know. I know that the only people I trust and there are only two of them, are the people I talk to on other websites that I can evaluate.

Since I was abused by a guy, why doe I have a problem with trust in my wife?

Bronc

 

[Michael]

It is because your trust was betrayed. I my case, it was by a Scoutmaster when I was 10. I was brought up to trust authority figures. When I was SA by someone in authority, all that trust disappeared. I could never trust anyone after that, and I really did not realize just how deeply that went until recently.

My wife had the same issues at first. Here we had been married for 23 years, and I never confided in her about what was going on inside my head. She knew something was wrong and that I was not being faithful. She was furious that I did not trust her enough to come to her and tell her everything so that I could get help. When she threatened to end our marriage, I told her that the SA was a lot longer and more of it than I had told her about in the past few years.

She literally gave me my life back when she arranged for us to have marriage counseling with a therapist that specialized in SA. She also said that I have to put complete trust in her.

Me placing that trust in her has been extremely hard on both of us, but has been the greatest thing I could have ever done.

As survivors, we learn that all things are based on lies and that we can trust no one. IMHO, the first step to recovery is going out on that limb and having someone to place complete trust in. It is easy with a therapist, you can open up and let it out without fear. But to do it with your partner is a huge step!

I would talk with your wife and make sure that she understands that she is going to have to be stronger than at any other time in her life in order to help you, and there are going to be times when she is going to really grieve and hurt.

It has been difficult for my wife, but it has been such a blessing at the same time. I can lean on her for stregth when I need it, and our marriage is the happiest it has ever been.

REMEMBER, in my case, (which is all I can reference to) I put trust in my wife, but all the lies and secrets came out just a little at a time and she usually forced them out of me. It is a very painful experience for both of us when that happens. But in my case, in has been necesary for my recovery and healing.

Didn't mean to ramble on so long, but withour my darling wife, I couldn't have made it this far. She is committed to my recovery and the betterment of our marriage, so the other point is she HAS to TRUST in my committment to staying with her at the same time I TRUST her committment to me.

Hope this helps!

Mike

 

[Mike Church]

Mike I have said it before and I will say it again. If Nicole had not come into my life when she did I would be long dead and forgotten.
I started therapy when I was 56. 64 now. Neither Nicole nor my daughter Tanya knew about my past totally until I wa 60 odd. We have been married since June 1967. She knows it all now and both she and Tanya got really mad for keeping it from them.

Trust. How could I trust anyone because I had no trust in myself or belief for that matter. Trust for me always lead me down a very bad road. That is why it is so very important to establish trust here amongst ourselves.

 

Michael and Mike thanks for helping me with this. I just hope that it ends someday.

I have to grab a plane to be with someone. So I will talk with you guys later. Thanks for all that I have been learning here.

Bronc

 

[Sinking]

I wonder if it would be helpful for your wife to read these reponses. Trust is very hard to come by for us survivors. It was a breach of trust, after all, that resulted in our being abused. In many ways, that breach of trust was/is more painful and destructive than the physical acts themselves. When that line was crossed, we learned deep inside that, in order to protect ourselves, even from those closest to us, we should not trust. It is a defense mechanism and a justifiable one at that. Knowing that this is an issue that is straining your relationship will be helpful. Now that you know it, you can address it. With work you will be able to learn to trust your wife. The very fact that she is asking for your trust is a big step on her part, don't let that get past you. Spouses/partners have a rightful assumption to believe they will be trusted by their partners, that's what relationships are based on. Your sense of trust was destroyed or, at least, skewed. Hers was not. You can do something about it and the relief you feel when you realize you can trust her, when you let yourself trust her, will be welcome for sure. Best of luck to you both.