trust

trust
K

Kid A

Registrant
As I recover I'm also becoming extremely cautious about my boundaries. Whats currently upsetting me is that I feel I can't fully trust those who have always been closest to me. I understand how people might not be able to hear about certain topics, and so I don't get into details about the abuse or anything. Normally I talk about the effects of the abuse because that is what I'm left to face. I feel like when I reveal this information to people it normally ends up making me feel bad so I'm slowly begging to keep it for myself, my therapist and slowly this group. Today was the first day in 2 months that I told my best friend anything that I have been really going through. I tell him about school, life, etc, but not the trauma that is almost always in my heart and the dissociation that confuses my mind. After telling him today, he listened, but I kind of felt like while he was listening he was judging me. I asked him and he said that while he can try to listen he can't fully understand what I'm talking about. This kind of makes me not want to talk about the trauma with him anymore which is sad since he's my best friend. I've always kind of been a loner, but now my heart is filled with things to say, and I'm confused as to why I can't tell the people I would most like to hear.
 
Kid A,

My heart breaks to see you going through this experience, but I have to say it is one that is shared by many survivors of sexual abuse.

If your best friend is not a survivor himself bro, there is no way he will be able to understand the hell you are enduring. He may sympathize at some level, but remember that he has not been "trained" by society to be prepared for this news. A million things may be going through his mind, and if all of those make sense to him they may be very painful to you. He may be wondering what are you really trying to tell him. He may not see that you are just saying: "You are my best friend. I am hurting. Please be there for me."

If this guy is really your best friend, give him a break and let him adjust to the news and then talk to him again. There is every possibility that he is as frightened as you are.

But unfortunately, in this kind of revelation there is risk. You have to be prepared for that as well and tell yourself that the inability of others to understand reflects on their own limitations and not on you personally.

Much love,
Larry
 
roadrunner,

I'm afraid I agree with you that society is not trained to deal with this news. I never really thought about that until you wrote it, and its pretty upsetting. I've told people about the abuse itself and they'll listen, but when talking about how its effected me, its as if I've gone too far. I can tell people I was abused and they'll cry a tear for me cause this is what they're trained to do, but when I tell them I grew up in fear, confusion, and self-hatred because of the abuse, they no longer understand. It seems society thinks this is our fault. We didn't properly deal with the abuse. We misinterpreted the abuse. We should get over it. The abuse is the fault of the abuser, but the aftereffects are our fault. That is what I believe society really thinks. I'm starting to realize the importance of this website and of talking to others whom truly can understand the various ways trauma can cause horrible pain for longer than just the duration of the abuse. Thanks for your advice. I'm still frustrated with my friend but will try to forgive him for his limitations. -Kid A
 
Kid A,

I too have experienced what you talked about. Just yesterday evening.

I ran into a man at an event I was at. This gentleman is distantly related through mairrage so we have known each other casually over the years. We got to talking about a perp that we are both related to, him from one side of the family, me from the other. He was asking me how the guy was doing now that he is in prison. I shared what I know and then started in on the affects that the abuse has on the abused relating it from first hand experience. The eyes glazed over and he got this distant look about him. I just shut up about it and moved the conversation on to other topics.

People are just not able or willing to face issues beyond a certain point. Sometimes I want to just shake them and make them sit up and take notice. I feel like if they would understand, maybe we could eliminate the majority of CSA in this world. I understand that we cannot force the issue. People need to live in their own safety zone I guess. Anything that shakes that and they begin to feel uneazy.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard comments like "get over it", "move on already". I'm not willing to do that. I need to take apart the affects of the abuse, disect them if you will, and learn how they affected my thinking and relationships, in order to be able to "move on" to the next area where the abuse affected me, and so on.

It is a "chosen path" I take. It is the only path I can take. Get over it? Over to where? Move on already? Move on to where? I have no where to go except the path to healing and that path needs to be taken one step at a time is spite of what those who have no understanding of the issue think about it.

Some of these people who don't understand are my close friends, but in this one area they have nothing to offer me. If they can accept that limitation and continue to love and respect me for who I am then we have a lasting friendship, and I love them for it. If they cannot, then we grow apart. Not because I want to, but because they are limited in their ability to accept me, and it affects the way they relate to me.

I wish you the best with your friend. I hope he can understand that he is limited in that area and support you in all the other ways that made you friends in the first place. If you can also understand that he is limited in that one area and still care for him because of what brought you together, then your friendship will be a lasting one. He may eventually even be able to understand the scope of how the abuse affected you. Give him time. It may be worth it.

Safe Hugs,

John

[edited for spelling errors]
 
After a point dwelling on our stories of abuse, isnt too healthy, as they get stale and keep us rooted in our past.

Today I see abuse as the starting of my journey to the light, and share it with people on the path.

Beyond that I dont feel the need to disclose it to any one, as I no longer see it as a handicap that would incur some special treatment for me.
 
Kid A,

It seems society thinks this is our fault. We didn't properly deal with the abuse. We misinterpreted the abuse. We should get over it. The abuse is the fault of the abuser, but the aftereffects are our fault. That is what I believe society really thinks.
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In many ways I think you are right. But bear in mind that understanding of the problem of sexual abuse of boys in the medical and social welfare professions is only about 15 years old. Society lags behind that of course. People don't understand because they have not been made aware of the problem. There is some appreciation of the terrible nature of this crime, but as you say, there is less appreciation of the consequences for the survivor.

I think what's important for us to bear in mind is that when we disclose to friends and their response is disappointing, that may reflect this general lack of awareness and not indifference on the part of our friends. I find that even with people very close to me I have to do an awful lot of "educating". Someone can love you very much, but if they don't understand your fears and needs or know how to respond to them they can still say some pretty ridiculous or painful things.

Much love,
Larry
 
I don't think dwelling on or using our stories as a handicap is healthy either, but it would be healthy to be able to express my emotions and thoughts with those closest to me. I lived a life of denial pretending everything was ok, and a big part of that I believe is because society told me to be grateful for what I have and that things could be worse. I don't know why I'm so mad at society now, maybe its cause I was also fooled and taught to minimize my own situation. Even in high school when I wanted to kill myself I thought to myself what the hell is wrong with you, get over it. I agree that love must come from within, but even as I find that self love I find a lot of frustration and anger towards a society that can't accept or embrace the pain of others. I know the anger is fairly futile, but its there. Maybe I'm blaming society when I should be blaming my abuser. Maybe blame is useless but after years of blaming myself, I'm a little mad at the world that let me. I do find that the more I embrace my own faults and weakness the more I embrace the faults and limitations of others. Even now writing this I ask where is this anger coming from. Is it what I really believe. When I'm feeling like my healing is on the right path and my trauma is lessening, I feel calmer and softer than I've felt since I was a boy. Maybe this anger is self-defeating. I hope this rant makes some sense.
 
i think people are frightened by stories of abuse ,it shatters their comfortable little world to think these things happen .when faced with something they can't understand most people turn away .they don't want to know .it's not you personaly ,it is the truth you carry that freaks them . also they may have to admit their little problems don't compare to those of a surviver shadow
 
I have been married to the same beautiful lady for 28 and a half years, and being married to a victim of CSA has at times been hell for her. She loves me and accepts me, she holds me and lets me cry, she cries with me at times, but she admits that she does not understand, I tell her everything, she listens but can't comprehend because she has no idea what it feels like. On the flip side, she does very well talking to family and friends of victims. If she didn't have a full time job and also go to school full time she would join the family and friends forum.

I guess my point here is that a person can be caring and compassionate without going through the trauma of CSA. It will take alot of education, however, and making society aware of the problems we face in order to bring about this change. I feel that we here at MS can do much to make this a reality.
 
Normally I'm not angry, but this week I have finals and memories chose this week to make themselves known. I get tied in a knot when I try to focus on one thing but my heart is somewhere else. Anyway I know I'm off topic now but I think some of my anger is frustration, so thanks for listening to it. While my best friend may not understand what I'm talking about, its comforting to know that a group full of people do.
 
As I was recovering I developed this strange habit, I could no longer connect with any survivor, feeling sorry, as I could no longer say, O poor baby. As I felt I would be dishonouring his experience and mine. For when I see a fellow survivor, I see a brave soul who has embarked on this wondrous journey towards Thee. Thats something to take inspiration from, rather than feeling sorry about. Though today, I cry a lot when I see a triumphant soul, for I see myself in them.

Perhaps I cant feel sorry because nobody did that for me. I was simply told, ok now that youve fallen, get up, brush your clothes and walk on. That seems like a harsh way of life, but then in the long run that has made me a self reliant person. In a way people who didnt come for my help or didnt give me a patient ear, helped me reach this point. Because now each time I fall, I dont run up to anybody for comfort or sympathy, I simply stay with my self, nurse my wounds. And before long Im fighting fit once again.

Does that make less emotional? Perhaps, it does. But it has also made me empowered enough to not abuse as an excuse or a crutch for the rest of my life. I have done that for many years to know, how futile it is. No one can bail you out except when you want to. It is an ultimate act of self love.

Feeling sorry I could have easily stayed in that sorry trap for a few more years, but then, I realized it wasnt working for me and so I saved precious years of my life.

But God forbid, if I ever become unsympathetic person, because that is tell-tale sign of an abuser, when you can feel what someone else is going thru.
 
Kid A,

Don't be hard on yourself if you feel you have a lot of anger and frustration building up. After all, survivors DO have a lot to be angry about.

Anger is a legitimate emotion and it needs to be expressed so you can talk about it and deal with it, and then move on. Anger that just builds and builds will eventually explode out in other ways: sexual acting out for some guys, and for others (like me) it's alcohol and drugs.

If you feel you have to vent, just do it. We have all been there Kid A.

Much love,
Larry
 
I finished my finals, went to the bookstore to relax and discovered a book called Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. The first page of the first chapter, much more eloquently, said what I've been trying to spit out all week: "When traumatic events are of human design, those who bear witness are caught in a conflict between victim and perpetrator. It is morally impossible to remain nuetral in this conflict. The bystander is forced to takes sides. It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain." I don't want my best friend to share any of this pain if he doesn't want any of it. I don't want his empathy if it will jeopardize his own integrity or shake his world view to the point of discomfort. I don't need it from him. What I am realizing is that my friends of the past are friends who fell into my lap. I feel grateful for that because I met some great people who I wish to continue to be good friends with. For the first time in my life it feels like its time to make friends with people that I want to be friends with, like you all here, and others I'm meeting that do recognize that pain is real. I need to be around people that recongnize or at least try to see through denial. They don't need to be an expert in abuse or anything. The last thing I want to do is talk all day about my abuse, though a few hours would be nice. Anyway, I've been quiet all my life, but I've always had a lot to say. It was just buried under a fake smile and a broken heart and I'm glad I can begin to get it out.
 
i wanted to respond to something morning star said ,about feeling sorry for survivors ,why is it that the people who don't just ignore what we tell them ,automaticly feel sorry for us ,it is ok to feel compasion for what we went through ,it's ok to feel sorry that it happened , why do others see us as weak people who couldn't fight off our abusers ,do they feel sorry for us because they think they could have done any better ? do they pity us because we were weak? i'm talking about the so called normal people not survivors or people who live with survivors . if you fought in a battle in a war and survived you would be a hero ,we all came out of our wars alive where are the medals?
 
Pity, is often mistaken for compassion, while it is rooted in disrespect and not love.

For when you love someone you respect their experience, you dont consider them weak just because they cannot handle it right now. We just remember it is just a process we have to go thru to get empowered.

But if we are reaching out thinking other person is weak, we are not empowering them, because the best lesson we have ever learnt is by ourselves, no one can walk the mile for us.

This means we treat ourselves as well with the same respect and dignity, when we are feeling down and out, we dont feel sorry for ourselves, we just know that it is a situation we have yet to learn to handle, and rather use the situation as a learning.

That way we learn to use life as a learning experience and not as a one trauma after another.
And that hold true for everyone, no matter what our life story be.
 
Shadowkid asks some interesting questions. I think some people see survivors as weak because its really a projection that they feel to weak to endure what we have endured/still endure. I also think its just knowledge/information. There are tons of war movies that depict the horrors they face and they long term impact of the trauma. There is very little on CSA survivors. The good news ... these are things that can change in the long run.

Courage-Wisdom-Spiritualtiy
 
Kid A,
childhood sexual abuse isn't a subject that many people feel comfortable discussing, which is one of the reasons perps get away with it. Peace, Andrew
 
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