Trust flag just went up

Trust flag just went up
F

ForeverFighting

Registrant
I had therapy yesterday. I'd gotten so guarded and closed up that I couldn't feel again. The old thoughts started coming out. Like always.

My parents dropped by last weekend. Mom called and wanted to know if they could stay over so they could attend a meeting the next day in town. Of course I said yes. And all the old actions came out. They never say a person is good. They say a person's actions are good. It's the difference between saying I'm a good piano player or I'm a good person who plays piano. My parents' focus is always on the outside. Nothing inside. So I drifted to the piano and started playing. They approved. My dad was up half the night with the lights on, so finally my wife leaned out our door and asked if she could help him with anything. He said he was just looking for something to read. The next morning he asked if he could borrow a couple of my books. What books? He pointed to " Toxic Parents : Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life ". Rather ironic, don't you think? My wife says after they read that I shouldn't hear from them for a while. That would probably be a good thing.

Ever since they left, my trust has been gone. I regretted all my posting on here, even a few with my first name at the bottom. What was I thinking? All of a sudden, none of the people I know are what they appear to be. I know that's not true, but it's what I feel. Men here who I've started to trust, and those aren't even their real names? Of course they aren't. They have more sense than I do.

My therapist says I have to keep feeling. That's why I first came to this place. To make myself feel, to overcome my habits that take the place of real relationships. And the last couple of weeks, I don't want relationships. I want the safety of myself alone. But that's not where I heal. So I have to keep coming here. Listening to the pain and expressing my own. I hate this life, you know. I want to feel happy. I don't want to MB and turn to the same porn I hate because it uses people the way I was used. My therapist says there is no easy fix. I can't cure it by willing it to be, because I'm filling needs with the garbage, needs that can be filled by reaching out to wonderful survivors like you and reaching inward to feel my own pain. And as long as I run home every time my trust flag goes up, I'll always turn to the garbage. I want to trust. Can I trust you? I can't even say the word "men" (gulp) today, because men are so horrible. I hate my dad more than I can ever express here. And he stayed in my house last weekend. I want him to die. That's horrible. My therapist says I'm in a much better place now. I used to want me to die, and now I want to live. I'd just rather live on a different continent than my relatives.

How can I be a man and hate men at the same time. How can you be men, and yet you don't act like those horrible men I knew. You feel and trust, care, and say such nice things. I can't figure this out. You are different from what I know. And that's why I keep coming back. I have to remind myself of that. I was raised in an emotional Arctic wasteland. And now I'm supposed to feel. In front of you. What I feel is hurt and pain. Can I trust you with that?
 
Hiya FF,

What you said kinda clicked dead on with me. Trusting is something I just don't do cos it doesn't make any sense to me. I know there are great people around yeah, & I know its not that everybody is bad – stuff like that. Plus I do trust a few people: my Dad, my big brother Mike, my Uncle Eddie (hes the first one I told), & a few guys here. But a few grownups I trusted stuck it to me BIG time & not just my abuser – doctors who sent me home for my birth dad to stomp some more, school people who lied to me & told me they wanted to help me & then used what I said to expel me, cops who pounded on me. All u need is a few like that & u figure out maybe trust doesn't got as lot goin for it. Im trying to change that but its really hard.

I started using a nick I got from my Dad – Glaukos – cos I was scared at first. But then I figured hey Im

K

E

V

I

N

& that's it. Im gonna be just me & that begins by using my real name. Others like handles & that's cool by me, but its important for me to be able to say who I am. I think that's cos I really hate who I am, at least I think I do, & claiming my name is a way of saying theres a real Kevin & hes sunk in all the bullshit of getting beat as a little kid, then abused, then getting into alcohol & drugs, fights, whatever. I know I can be more than what I am right now, & the person who has to do it is Kevin.

I dunno, but I think people here are really great. Least, Im so fucked up & cynical & bitter & angry & negative that if I feel myself feelin good about anybody I think hey maybe this is the real thing. I know nobody is perfect & stuff, but this place makes me feel safe & okay & maybe I will really get my life back. But yeah I got problems with men. I didn't think of it like that til a few days ago. A really cool guy here PMed me in the chat room & said he read the last page in my journal & I got trouble with authority. Didn't like that much but hes right. Most of the people who tricked me & dogged me were men. On the other side I see my Dad – hes the greatest guy in the world. But I can never be like him – Im scared Im gonna become like the people who hurt me. So all the growing up stuff is like really steep when I think about it, & everything I do that's stupid I take it as proof Im never gonna be okay. But then I look at friends here & see how a lot have come out of shit a lot deeper than mine. I guess I need to cling to that. So maybe I do trust after all. That makes me see how mixed up I am, & how bad I need help.

Kevin
 
I think that it's more common than we want to think that SA survivors have a basic mistrust of people. Think of it... when we were children, these "giants" were like omnipotent gods to us. We innocently placed our trust in their care and unfortunately, some of them broke that trust. I think that part of the healing process is to be able to distinguish who we can trust and take that giant leap forward.
Personally, I have a trust of the people in here. My "handle", Sophiesdad, is not a protection from this group nor does it mean that I mistrust the group. What I AM protecting myself from is the unscrupulous hackers who can take information and use it against me. Maybe that sounds a little paranoid, but it's a big step for me to trust ANYONE. In my world I choose my friends VERY carefully and don't let everyone see what really goes on inside for fear that it will be used against me.
For me, I don't dislike all men - just the ones who represent those who broke my trust when I was a kid - the jocks, the typical "macho men" (hope I don't offend anyone), but those are the stereotypes that I can't be around. I feel very uncomfortable.
I'm sorry if I got a little side-tracked. FF, I also think that it's an undersandable reaction to want to isolate - when we don't trust people, we only want to rely on the one person that we CAN trust - ourselves. But, we also realize that we can't do that and get healthy. It's only by being in a safe place and communicate that healing can take place.
I hope that I made some sense.

Sophiesdad
 
FF,

I can understand your fears. After my rape at 16, I was afraid of men. All men! But I was also bitter at my parents, which included Mom. I felt I couldn't tell them I had been abused. So I never did. They never noticed! They never noticed when I was coming home drunk nearly every afternoon. They never noticed or were too preoccupied with their own issues to do anything about mine, so they ignored the signs. Mom was/is too hung up on what her friends or others would think! That in turn basically turned me against males and females. Who was going to protect and help me? Rich was! Rich is getting help himself now. I realized, or thought I had no one I could trust.

I don't like anyone to touch me, male or female! I don't like my wife to touch me much.

I am beginning to trust people more, though, since comeing to MS. Especially men. In fact, I have a male therapist,(I would be too humiliated to tell a woman these things, but that's just me).

I have also begun to realize that one of the things I have been searching for my whole life, is friendship with males. Males that do not want me for my body, or the tricks I can perform, but good wholesome male friendship. Pals! Comrads! I'm finding them here, maybe because I can't see them, and don't know who they really are. But I have a pretty good idea who my friends are here. FF, this is a great place to develop trust and friendship with other males. It's a shame what we all share in common, but it's a godsend that we have MS and each other.

FF, I hope you can begin to trust us more and believe and accept that we are your friends.

And by the way, my real name is Richard, "Rich".
 
ForeverFighting - trust is a big issue. In my formative years, I moved school at 8 years old and went from being king of the hill, to someone that couldn't break into the cliques that existed. My abuser (at 12 years old) turned everything I ever believed on it's head. In later years I had girlfiends that lied and cheated.

Result - I don't particularly like being in large groups of males (cliques) & prefer smaller groups (not very good when people keep getting married & I have to go on stag weekends).

I distrust adult men - difficult when I am supposed to be one.

I distrust people in authority, yet since I have spoken to the police about being abused, they could not have been more helpful - they have supported me very much, hence there is now a pending court case (and this goes back to 1969).

I feel uncomfortable around men in their mid 30s (my abuser was 32). Several of my best friends are in this age group - how am I meant to explain to them that although I trust them they can make me feel edgy just because of their age & not their actions.

I distrust women because e.g. - one girlfriend went off & married her brother's best friend (behind my back & she allegedly hated him)because he had been working abroad tax free, came home & bought a business outright. Another, I caught with her tongue down her supposedly ex boyfriends throat. Every time I trusted someone, it seems like they let me down.

Who was I left with that I could trust?

I finally began to trust people properly a few years ago when in a distressed state I actually blurted out to a small group of friends that I had been sexually abused at 12 years old.

They are still my friends now & I sometimes test them to death - they have not gone away (and I know they won't).

Same with the people here - I have only ever received support.

Yes it's very difficult to trust, but for me it was causing me so much more pain not trusting. I am still very selective about who I do trust in my life, but at least I do trust some people now. Others I give the benefit of doubt until they give me reason not to trust them - not many give me that reason now.

We can knock down the walls, we just have to decide what to do with the rubble.

Try it, you never know.

Best wishes ..Rik
 
FF, i sign all my posts with my real name, or what most people call me.
It is hard to find trust when it was taken away so violently by a man or men. It is harder still when you trust enough to lower boundaries with men, and have them broken down again.
When i was a boy, i would suss men out on the street and cross the road in case they come after me. I hated the dentist, just in case he touch me in the chair or when asleep, or the doctor touching me because he was a man.
I hated authority too, because most where men, so I avoided gettin into trouble, but just wanted to burn the world down.
Sorry, I am not addressing your issues here with your family and stuff, and maybe you got hurt here, but it is trust in here that is the big issue, yeah, we all got hurt trusting, we got hurt not trusting.
Only thing I can think tho, is that it is better to trust who you think is OK, cos it is better to have friends, than to not trust and lose them all.
And when you really need support, they be here for you.
I think that maybe i got hurt by people so much in the past, that there is no way i could ever trust, but, I have to think that there are may more good people in the world than the bad shits.
There are a load of good guys here who never would hurt anyone, because they got hurt so much themselves, and i feel so humble sometimes.
I have to cut this post short cos i got sidetracked.

take care,

ste
 
Thanks guys. I actually do trust a lot of men here, and I'm trying really hard to have friends who are male in the real world. I find I gravitate toward younger men. It's the older ones that intimidate me. It's an irrational fear. I have never been hurt here, and I am learning which posts to stay out of because I know they will be triggering.

You men are great. It doesn't make sense in my head, but you are.
 
I find I gravitate toward younger men. It's the older ones that intimidate me. It's an irrational fear.
Click to expand...
I could never establish and maintain a relationship/friendship with someone my own age. My perp was my age & I think that was the reason. If an older male was your perp, then being intimidated by an older man is quite rational.
 
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