trust and intimacy

[wantstohelp]

Hello,
I just have a question for all of you guys out there. I read a survivor story on the male survivor site, actually, I read a bunch, and I keep seeing more and more of my boyfriend/ex in them. I am happy that he has disclosed to me, but I have to ask, is it common for you guys to feel scared in deep, meaningful relationships? and if so, what is it that you are scared of? I read a story in the otehr section where a man cried intensely over the loss of his puppy, and I was wondering if it was common for you guys to have overreactions to upsetting events, like fights with someone you love. When my boyfriend and I fight, sometimes he breaks down, and pushes me away afterwards. We had one this past week, and he broke up with me in the middle of it, saying htat he couldn't handle how much he matters to me.
What I really want to know is.. have many of you had the experience of pushing someone away that you really love, and if so why, what was the best thing for them to do when you were running away, and were you able to overcome this?
Thanks so much,
J xo

 

[bdr]

hi

i have often just walked out because i couldnt face the argument-im not sure if its the fear of the fight or the fear that i cannot be emotionally involved because it would hurt too much
i think i have been able to overcome this but dont yet know for sure

i think the breaking up part is an attempt at being in control of a situation that feels out of control-and being out of control is the worst fear of all

you should let him know that an argument is just that-its not the end of everything

bdr

 

[Lloydy]

BDR,

i think the breaking up part is an attempt at being in control of a situation that feels out of control-and being out of control is the worst fear of all

That's very true for me, any loss of control scares the crap out me, and in an argument I feel that loss of control more acutely.
Whether it's the fear of a complete loss of my control that results in agression, or the prospect of losing the argument; and therefore control of the situation, is difficult to decide.

I have never ever become agressive with my wife, not in 32 years of marriage, but we have arguments. I tend to retreat though, and take the easy option of accepting that I'm in the wrong. This avoids the instant feeling of loss of control as it stops the argument, but it does have the effect of making me some kind of martyr for a long while after.
We both know about this now though and try to work at it at the time, we argue, cool off, then sort it our rationaly.
And we're lucky that we both never resurect old arguments or go downn the path of "I told you so"

Not having control can affect all kind of things, I hated being a passenger in a car and have only just begun to relax in the passenger seat in the last few years. I can even sit in with other drivers when we're doing our off road competition driving now, and that is extreme stuff.
I have always felt in control when driving competitivly, and multiple rolls down a mountainside have never bothered me at all, but I was the person driving and therefore in control, and it was my choice to try and drive those last few feet of the course, nearly always knowing that a huge crash was inevitable.

I see this in everything I do, or at least everything I did, because I'm learning to trust other people now, even my mate John who had us upside down in a river last weekend! He knew it was a 90% chance we'd end up wet, so did I, but I trusted him enough to know that whatever he did wasn't going to be reckless or dangerous.
And I think relationships are the same, if we trust our partners then arguments will be short and generally sorted out - or a compromise is reached.
But like so many aspects of healing trust can be a slow and painful thing to recover, indeed some of us had to learn it from scratch.

Dave