True Feelings from the Heart & Soul
Hello,
For those that remember me, I would like to give an update and for those that don't maybe someone can relate to this truth. I have been isolating for over year and I have giving up on the inside and I would like to explain my pain. First I considered not even posting this cause I have made some mistakes here but I thought it makes more sense to post this here for that very reason, I have a clearer head in isolation and I see things more clearly. Let me get one thing out of the way as I tell my story, as a child I was diagnosed with autism which is defined by poor social skills, anxiety and so on. I never received any help for it, I never got services, my mom was never given any support. I was thrown away, they wanted to give me special education classes so my mom pulled me out of school and homeschooled the best she could. When I was 12 I was molested by a family member and I didn't understand why and I blamed myself and I felt bad for what happened. This feeling never really went away and still hasn't but I am more clear headed then I was. I know its not my fault but it still hurts emotionally, logically I am healed but emotionally I am still on the level of a child possibly because of autism. Anyway when I was 18 I barely got into college and looking back on it I see that I was ill prepared to handle the world. I removed for inappropriate behavior but it was never my intention to hurt anyone. I think at this point I was ready to isolate the way I have been lately but it got worse, much worse. I was arrested for assaulting my abuser when he was violent towards me and I was removed from my home and from my parents. Any feeling of being a bad person amplified 100%, I was forced into homelessness, raped in homelessness, got into drugs in homelessness and dealt with all manner of evil things.
I finally got an apartment, a home but I was broken from the sexual abuse and from the homelessness and couldn't express myself in autism. I acted inappropriately and I don't think I ever really understand that what I did was inappropriate. I hurt people, I was always known as the person with emotional problems and I had emotional problems but I didn't know how to express it because of the autism. I hurt people emotionally, I did drugs and drank and didn't care about anyone but me and I see the reason I did that was I was hurt. I never intended to hurt other people but I did. I proceeded to screw up and sabotage ever relationship, I came here in the same state of brokenness and was drunk and high, I vented anger and frustration and I don't think it ever occurred to me that I was hurtful or why it was hurtful.
I reflect back on my life and I see my problems came from a horrible mix of autism, sexual abuse, drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity. My true feelings is I am a failure but when I took a step back and examined why I am failure I see that I was never really treated right. I was never given help, when I become suicidal the system would just lock me, they offered no solution, no hope. I didn't know how to communicate and I still don't but I get a much clearer picture when I take a step back. I hurt people because I was hurt and it was amplified by having no social skills so I didn't know how to express my feelings. I didn't know how to act here or towards others. I didn't know how to hold down a job, I didn't know how to make friends.
I was giving a pretty raw deal so to update, I am okay, I am better then I was. If your reading this and was hurt by me I am sorry. I have giving up, I don't skype with people, I don't go to church. I haven't talked to a soul in months and I am happier this way. If I was to try again I would just fail, I see that I am truly disabled. I see that I was full of pain. More then likely you will not hear from me again but I wanted to express my true feelings some where.
I never meant to hurt anyone and I am sorry for this social failure and all the others before and after it, I don't think the consequences for my actions ever occurred to me. I have been in pain and been hurtful to others and I have been suicidal but that is the old me, the new me will never try and be social again. I love everyone but I want to be alone. I haven't left my house in months and I never will again. I conquered suicide and became stable in isolation, suicide is not the answer but neither is trying. I am leaving, I am leaving society and I want to be alone but I want people to know that from the heart, I love everyone and I mean no one harm.
With love and respect,
Zero
For those that remember me, I would like to give an update and for those that don't maybe someone can relate to this truth. I have been isolating for over year and I have giving up on the inside and I would like to explain my pain. First I considered not even posting this cause I have made some mistakes here but I thought it makes more sense to post this here for that very reason, I have a clearer head in isolation and I see things more clearly. Let me get one thing out of the way as I tell my story, as a child I was diagnosed with autism which is defined by poor social skills, anxiety and so on. I never received any help for it, I never got services, my mom was never given any support. I was thrown away, they wanted to give me special education classes so my mom pulled me out of school and homeschooled the best she could. When I was 12 I was molested by a family member and I didn't understand why and I blamed myself and I felt bad for what happened. This feeling never really went away and still hasn't but I am more clear headed then I was. I know its not my fault but it still hurts emotionally, logically I am healed but emotionally I am still on the level of a child possibly because of autism. Anyway when I was 18 I barely got into college and looking back on it I see that I was ill prepared to handle the world. I removed for inappropriate behavior but it was never my intention to hurt anyone. I think at this point I was ready to isolate the way I have been lately but it got worse, much worse. I was arrested for assaulting my abuser when he was violent towards me and I was removed from my home and from my parents. Any feeling of being a bad person amplified 100%, I was forced into homelessness, raped in homelessness, got into drugs in homelessness and dealt with all manner of evil things.
I finally got an apartment, a home but I was broken from the sexual abuse and from the homelessness and couldn't express myself in autism. I acted inappropriately and I don't think I ever really understand that what I did was inappropriate. I hurt people, I was always known as the person with emotional problems and I had emotional problems but I didn't know how to express it because of the autism. I hurt people emotionally, I did drugs and drank and didn't care about anyone but me and I see the reason I did that was I was hurt. I never intended to hurt other people but I did. I proceeded to screw up and sabotage ever relationship, I came here in the same state of brokenness and was drunk and high, I vented anger and frustration and I don't think it ever occurred to me that I was hurtful or why it was hurtful.
I reflect back on my life and I see my problems came from a horrible mix of autism, sexual abuse, drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity. My true feelings is I am a failure but when I took a step back and examined why I am failure I see that I was never really treated right. I was never given help, when I become suicidal the system would just lock me, they offered no solution, no hope. I didn't know how to communicate and I still don't but I get a much clearer picture when I take a step back. I hurt people because I was hurt and it was amplified by having no social skills so I didn't know how to express my feelings. I didn't know how to act here or towards others. I didn't know how to hold down a job, I didn't know how to make friends.
I was giving a pretty raw deal so to update, I am okay, I am better then I was. If your reading this and was hurt by me I am sorry. I have giving up, I don't skype with people, I don't go to church. I haven't talked to a soul in months and I am happier this way. If I was to try again I would just fail, I see that I am truly disabled. I see that I was full of pain. More then likely you will not hear from me again but I wanted to express my true feelings some where.
I never meant to hurt anyone and I am sorry for this social failure and all the others before and after it, I don't think the consequences for my actions ever occurred to me. I have been in pain and been hurtful to others and I have been suicidal but that is the old me, the new me will never try and be social again. I love everyone but I want to be alone. I haven't left my house in months and I never will again. I conquered suicide and became stable in isolation, suicide is not the answer but neither is trying. I am leaving, I am leaving society and I want to be alone but I want people to know that from the heart, I love everyone and I mean no one harm.
With love and respect,
Zero
