Troubles with Porn
JayBro
Registrant
Does anyone else here feel that there is such a weird relationship between our past history of being victims of child pornography and our own adult consumption of porn? I often feel emotionally torn, guilty, and dirty when I look at porn, particularly porn that I find triggering or that reminds me of abuse. Sometimes I feel like I am testing myself and seeing how far I can go with or without being triggered and then later regret it. I often stumble upon something that bothers me for days afterwards. I noticed that there seems to be a lot of erotica as well as high-budget films that have plots which, for all intents and purposes, are between older and younger, father and son etc or that involve forceful, non-consensual, assault-"like" fantasies. I find it so confusing- like how is this stuff so widely available and on most porn sites? How big is the demand for this kind of porn for there to be so much material? How is some of this stuff legal? Is anyone else triggered? Does this make me just as bad as my abusers if I see this stuff? And the questions and self-doubt go on.
I really wish I was in a relationship but I am not and although I do sleep with other men from time to time, I am afraid of becoming hyper sexually active with countless strangers. In the past I had two sexual assaults and numerous disassociated, triggering experiences. As a result, porn seemed like a logical safe, convenient form of sexual release. But it is becoming more and more apparent to me that porn can be just as damaging and hurtful as certain experiences with real live men.
I really wish I was in a relationship but I am not and although I do sleep with other men from time to time, I am afraid of becoming hyper sexually active with countless strangers. In the past I had two sexual assaults and numerous disassociated, triggering experiences. As a result, porn seemed like a logical safe, convenient form of sexual release. But it is becoming more and more apparent to me that porn can be just as damaging and hurtful as certain experiences with real live men.