Troubles with Porn

JayBro

Registrant
Does anyone else here feel that there is such a weird relationship between our past history of being victims of child pornography and our own adult consumption of porn? I often feel emotionally torn, guilty, and dirty when I look at porn, particularly porn that I find triggering or that reminds me of abuse. Sometimes I feel like I am testing myself and seeing how far I can go with or without being triggered and then later regret it. I often stumble upon something that bothers me for days afterwards. I noticed that there seems to be a lot of erotica as well as high-budget films that have plots which, for all intents and purposes, are between older and younger, father and son etc or that involve forceful, non-consensual, assault-"like" fantasies. I find it so confusing- like how is this stuff so widely available and on most porn sites? How big is the demand for this kind of porn for there to be so much material? How is some of this stuff legal? Is anyone else triggered? Does this make me just as bad as my abusers if I see this stuff? And the questions and self-doubt go on.

I really wish I was in a relationship but I am not and although I do sleep with other men from time to time, I am afraid of becoming hyper sexually active with countless strangers. In the past I had two sexual assaults and numerous disassociated, triggering experiences. As a result, porn seemed like a logical safe, convenient form of sexual release. But it is becoming more and more apparent to me that porn can be just as damaging and hurtful as certain experiences with real live men.
 

Bluedogone

Registrant
Very thoughtful post.

When compared to some of the horrible and gruesome experiences others have had with child porn, mine would hardly be worth mentioning. A few photos that have probably long since been destroyed wouldn't count, but I've asked myself your same question [quote:JayBro]Does this make me as bad as my abusers if I see this stuff? [/quote]

I'm most thankful for the internet because it's opened up a whole new world of information, and a new way of doing things. But it's also opened up literally a whole world of porn. It's no longer necessary to sneak around to the adult bookstore and hope no one recognizes you as one of those other perverts. It's all right there on the computer, in abundance. It has to be profitable for somebody or there wouldn't be so much. Hopefully leaving out the under 18 group, those who are of age do porn because they choose to do do, but realistically that's a crock.

Even if it's very limited, doesn't trigger me, and sometimes is simply a replay of my own abuse, but this time I'm in control, I still have to ask myself the question.
 

Jay1946

Registrant
JayBro:

You have probably already observed that internet porn addiction is highly correlated with childhood sexual abuse.

I became addicted to surfing for same sex porn. I am happily married, with four children and three grandchildren. I just couldn't figure out where this was coming from. The addiction was and is so contrary to who I am.

Through therapy I've been able to trace the roots of this addiction to a traumatic incident of sexual abuse when I was nine or ten years old. At first I couldn't believe that one incident could have caused me so much harm, but it did.

I've learned that trauma is unfinished business. Many Trauma victims, (me included), compulsively fantasize of situations that allow one to relive the trauma in a controlled way. A way where one is no longer the victim, but the observer. I've learned this is called Repetition Compulsion.

I'm dealing with my addiction through several channels, filters, a 12 Step process, therapy, internet groups of fellow addicts. I don't let it define me.

We are human, and sexual abuse causes great harm. You deserve to love yourself for who you are.


Best Regards:
 

JayBro

Registrant
Hi everyone, thanks for your responses.

I won't necessarily call my viewing of porn an "addiction" and often I will enjoy porn which has nothing to do with my sexual trauma but instead reinforces positive, sexual experiences which if anything can also be a form of healing (such as positive relationships). But from time to time triggering material does seem to find its way into my searches and often once I am triggered, I seek this observation status of trying to understand it (or completely feel afraid of my sexuality in general) for several days to a week afterwards. I get so angry when I see something that could be triggering or actors who look young etc. It is only in those times of feeling triggered and then seeking out further triggers in a short period of time that I feel like it is some sort of an addiction or problem... I dunno, is it a form of addiction or a form of self-harming? Part of me just can't get over some of the stuff that exists and I have anger which I turn inwards onto myself.
 
Hey JayBro

I don't think it makes you guilty in any way because you watch porn. I guess you could, like you said, testing the waters on how far you can go with it.

I don't have a problem with porn per se with women because I'm gay and I get freaked out seeing these bodybuilder types of men going at it because it makes me remember my abuse at the hands of these fucken big muscled animals. For instance guys whose necks were bigger than my torso when I was 14. I even have a problem watching american football with guys that look like bulldozers. It's like getting hit by a train.

But I don't think that looking at porn is bad although at times it might be like an obsession. I had an obsession trying to look for pictures of me on the internet by doing simple google searches. I never went into a porn site but it seemed that I couldn't get away without looking for me on the general net. My T put a stop to that even though I never found a naked picture of myself but I did find photos of me in speedo bathing suits, etc. Since I proved to myself that if those pictures could be found with simple google searches I can only imagine the hard core shit of me on the web especially in those pay for sites. It is very unnerving to think of all the shit that I was involved in out there someplace on the net and guys are getting off on my shit.

It was an obsession but once I was warned by my T to stay away from that even though the pictures would not be considered porn he said that it was not healthy for me to get into looking for that shit. So like your question if it is an addiction that pulls you further and further into that shit. I wouldn't think that it's an addiction but I could compare it to my searches when I first fell apart wanting to find myself on the web. When I did find pictures I had to keep looking to find more. I told my T that I never would go onto a paying site to look for pictures of myself but i wanted to see how prevalent my pictures were one the net. He just said that it was unhealthy. I think that I would have gone crazy if I found a naked picture of me and that's another reason why I stopped looking. My T said that we both know that my shit is out there so there is no reason to keep looking or trying to prove that my shit is out there.

I don't know if what I just wrote is any help but I would hope that it does in some way

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 

txb

Registrant
Yes, I really relate to this. Although I think most of my use of porn is something I do to make myself feel bad. Maybe it is like a form of self harm. It's not like I go to any really dodgy sites on the web, just mainstream ones, but I still seem to find questionable stuff. Like stuff that makes you wonder who would willingly agree to participate in it. It's like I'm trying to convince myself that people did willingly agree. I always wondered who they make some of this stuff for. I even thought for a while that maybe it's made by messed up abused people for other messed up abused people who want to continuously trigger themselves. I doubt that's the case, but it's just something I thought about. I suppose if no one watched it then they wouldn't make it, so maybe I shouldn't watch it at all? It does make me feel like I'm just as bad as my abusers.
 

txb

Registrant
I was thinking on this further since I posted. I don't watch a lot of TV, but when I do I'm pretty careful what I watch. I hate all those "world's most horrific crimes" shows and even the fake ones, like Criminal Minds. I'd never watch that kind of stuff. Last week my cousin was trying to tell me about some guy who tortured people. I told her I absolutely didn't want to hear that and she looked at me like I was some kind of freak. I don't watch the news either. I have a news feed that only sends me the type of news stories I want to hear about. But why would I be so careful about this kind of stuff but then not take the same care when watching porn? That doesn't really make sense.
 
Hey txb

I'm sure that you know that porn is a multi billion dollar business. And now with the web and the technology behind it makes everything available to everybody. The porn you watch is done by regular actors so they don't have a problem with it and then there is the people that watch it. There is a tremendous amount of money to be made with popups, links and so on. I don't have a TV but I do watch a lot of documentaries on my computer.

The movies and show on TV and available through companies like Netflix which show movies spattered with blood and guts I feel is just like porn. Porn always shows one or more people taking advantage of another person or persons the same with the blood and guts movies do.

But adult porn just brings back memories of movies that were made of me as a child. There were the movies made where I was bound up in different ways and then orally and analy raped by multiple people. It was they went out of their way to make sure that there was blood all over me coming from my mouth and bum. I was forced to sniff cocaine or they would inject me with whatever the wanted effect was to be in the scene. This is only a sampling of the abuse I went through but it follows the same theme as porn and blood and guts movies. Someone is being abused.

Whatever we make movies of there is always someone that will watch it.

But you bring up very interesting point of watching soft porn as a way to self harm yourself. I also won't watch soft porn because someone is being abused for instance with rough sex. I will unlike you watch a gory story that is current on the news but not look for a YouTube movie of some gory stuff. I feel sorry for the people affected by some calamity.

I still don't understand how someone uses porn to punish themselves unless it's the same idea of me cutting myself to get me instantly out of the moment such as a trigger. I still don't understand why I will cut myself at home or work when I'm not being triggered. Could this be the same thing your doing with porn that I'm doing with cutting which is to hurt myself?

I don't know if this makes any sense but I tried.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 

JayBro

Registrant
I kind of wish that I was deadly afraid of porn in general and looking at it. I find that I am usually good at protecting myself from non-porn-related triggers but when it comes to porn and sex, it is a lot more difficult. Perhaps it has to do with the necessity of sexual impulses. Using your examples, txb, I don't need to watch violent TV and sensationalised news stories, however I do need sexual release.

That being said, I find that when I am feeling quite triggered over several days and weeks my "sex drive" is also extremely high and I keep falling into the same loops of looking at porn that triggers me, somehow hoping for a different outcome or that I would save myself or the person as the victim in the porn, OR I end up hooking up with someone much older and feel triggered and used. It is such a weird state of being and in between the porn episodes I feel extremely guilty, afraid, disgusting, non-sexual, and like my abused inner child. It is highly unpleasant.
These last two weeks I have been in this stage. Today when I was grocery shopping I suddenly got one of those guilty, self-hating flashes of thoughts and emotions. I needed to quickly calm myself down eternally. I also felt like a form of pain in my groin area too which happens when I think about it. I also have certain repetitive thoughts and porn searches which feel both like a form of self-harm as well as a foreign element within my psyche which doesn't belong there. I really think that is could be an example of an insane behaviour trait or symptom from my trauma history. One of those remnants of my PTSD which I am still working on.

I try not to inhibit myself due to fear of potential triggers, but at the same time it feels like this foreign element in me could be eliminated if I had this crippling fear. In many ways, it is a survival strategy which serves a purpose whereby it seeks to protect the mind from further harm.

And so I agree with what you said, txb. Porn can be for me a form of self-harm. I try to re-work that behaviour and seek out "healthy" porn which doesn't trigger me, but due to the way the industry and internet is, there is inevitably something that I will stumble upon which will remind me of something triggering or itself be quite triggering, plunging me into one of those series of weeks where I am constantly triggered and seeking out more triggers...
 

JayBro

Registrant
I am feeling really triggered again. Yesterday I was on tumblr which is often used for normal porn and saw something that I deemed inappropriate and which triggered me so I reported/flagged it. Even though that is something good, I still feel extremely triggered and guilty and hurt and sometimes hopeless, in that there is no safe space to turn to when it comes to porn. This morning I am feeling quite scared and triggered, it will be hard going to work today.
 

JayBro

Registrant
Now, over three years later, it has been helpful for me to re-read this post, but it has also made me extremely sad. This is still an issue that I deal with, as it re-emerged this year.
Some new elements changed and some also confirmed some of my suspicions.
For example, I initially started using Tumblr as a form of healthy porn in order to re-orient myself towards healthier fantasies that don't involve my re-victimisation. But in the past 2 years or so I have been seeing stuff that triggered me. It was becoming more common and made me feel like this medium too was infiltrated or somehow betrayed me. Therefore, I was not surprised that the company banned porn completely this month on the grounds that some blogs had c/p. I feel really relieved, but sadly triggered then by the story in and of itself: in the same week there was also a big story of a police bust in my home province of some 120+ c/p consumers... and the two news stories in one week really affected me, shot up my anxiety, made me so terribly sad and messed up my sleep cycle and sense of normalcy. I feel safe [yay, something was done, people were stopped!] and yet extremely unsafe also.
This feeling of betrayal from platforms or even from creeps on the dating scene has been bothering me a lot as of late. Hopefully, I will find somewhere - and then someone- to help me experience my sexuality without triggers
 
Hey JayBro
**** ***** Trigger Warning **** *****
I really can’t watch porn because of time in the life. I can’t look at those pumped up, steroid fueled bodybuilders. Those were guys who viciously abused me to make movies. Women never turned me on. I was forced to abuse children younger than 10 in order to make movies. If I didn’t perform what I was told to do then not only would I be beaten but the children would be beaten twice as bad as I was. For instance a memory of me having to tie up a 6 or 8 year old boy, lay him over the arm of a cushioned couch. I didn’t hit the child hard enough. So I was then tied up and a bodybuilder beat us both, of course the child was hit more than me. We were both taken into the gym (torture chamber) and hung by our wrists to the ceiling.

The boy was crying so hard that he was gagging. And could hardly catch his breath. Finally he stopped making any sounds. I’m 100% sure he died.

Not only can’t I watch any porn but I cannot go near children. If I cross paths with porn those pumped up steroid heads with their steroid pumped dicks I get physically sick.

Sending my love
<3 Jeff
 
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JayBro

Registrant
Hey JayBro

I really can’t watch porn because of time in the life. I can’t look at those pumped up, steroid fueled bodybuilders. Those were guys who viciously abused me to make movies. Women never turned me on. I was forced to abuse children younger than 10 in order to make movies. If I didn’t perform what I was told to do the. Not only would I be beaten but the children would be beaten twice as bad as I was. For instance a memory of me having to tie up a 6 or 8 year old boy, lay him over the arm of a cushioned couch. I didn’t hit the child hard enough. So I was then tied up and a bodybuilder beat us both, of course the child was bit mor than me. We were both taken into the gym (torture chamber) and hung by our wrists to the ceiling.

The boy was crying so hard that he was gagging. And could hardly catch his breath. Finally he stopped making any sounds. I’m 100% sure he died.

Not only can’t I watch any porn but I cannot go near children. If I coss paths with porn those pumped up steroid heads with their steroid pumped dicks I vet physically sick.

Sending my love
<3 Jeff
Jeff,

I am so sorry to hear that... I cannot even imagine what it must be like for you. Those are some truly awful memories and I am so upset that those adults got away with traumatising you and other children. How have you been able to cope with this trauma in the last while and how to do you calm yourself down when you are reminded of it/those "porn bodies" so to speak?

Sending you a big hug and thank you for responding!
 
Hey JayBro

**** ***** Trigger Warning **** *****

I’m very sorry but since they changed the site I cannot stay logged in on my phone and once I do log in it tKes me to the main page where I select a forum. It’s a pIn in the ass but I’m sure I’ll get used to it or maybe their still tweaking the system.

My life in the game started when I was 8 years old having mine and my best friend’s pictures taken by his sister and her girlfriend they were selling the pictures to those boy magazines in the ‘50s and ‘60s. I know the life started for me when I was 8. I had my first date with a john when I was 11-1/2 - 12. A date usually went on for the whole night or a weekend trip in an airplane. I never did tricks.

The stuff that went on with the movies went on for a little more than a year and a half. Every Tuesday after School I took a city bus and had to get off by a Wetson’s hamburger stand that looked exactly like a Mc’D. I called a number and I was picked up. For the rest of the night and many times into the next day. All kinds of shit happened just like the story I just told.

The first time I was picked up I thought I was going to a modeling place. So I got into the car all happy. That changed as soon as I closed the door. I got a backhand across my face and was grabbed by the scruff of my hair and thrown down on the floor. I was full of blood and some of my blond hair was now red. The driver was told never bit me again. So on the way home he had a
So K with sand in it. That’s what he started. Then he made me take off all my close and through me out of the car. If it was daylight he would drop me naked in the middle of a department store’s parking lot. Sometimes I had to thread my way home for miles.

I was taken to parties where children were stripped and sold for the evening. I was abducted for 2 days. That’s a story for itself.

When I was 18-1/2 I was able to get into the USAF. I think Taking a chance of going to nam was better than staying in the city.

My therapist said I could even bring in $1,000 for a date. I neversaw any money except for tips I got from the perp. When I was 22 I came home and went back into the game. Instill hadn’t bloomed by then. Except formsome pubes I was hairless so I looked like I was 15-16. I ran away to where I live now not telling anyone.’I just disappeared.

I should mention that I was way below the number of days I was supposed to be in school. My parents had money so I guess thT got me through high school. I could come in to school by lunchtime and nobody asked me where I was or why I was late. Besides my mother would started staying in her house in Florida for the winter when I was 12-1/2 - 13. My father would fly down every Thursday after work and come back to NY Monday morning in time for work. So I was home alone boy. I was only able to see him Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday but I was never there to see him and he never asked when I did see him. My mother came home every once on a while to make my fatheR TV dinners. She was gone from September till the end of June. When I graduated high school my parent didn’t come and neither did I. I didn’t even get my class album.

I’ve been trying to write down my time line but it just gets me triggered. The past two weeks by my T finally got me, after 7 years, to see the person that I loved was the person who sold me all those years. I’m still working on that.

Sorry this was so long but this was only a Small part of my childhood

<3 Jeff
 
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JayBro

Registrant
Hey Jeff! ((HUGS))

I just saw your message now, so please forgive my late response! I am so terribly sorry for all your trauma. Your story was difficult emotionally to read and some aspects such as the violence or the abuse parties are just horrendous. I had a physical reaction reading that, my heart skipped a beat and I got goosebumps. My heart is broken. I am sorry that you also experienced neglect, which helped to further increase your vulnerability. Were you ever able to press charges or report your abusers? Did your parents ever find out what was happening to you?
I find it so infuriating that abusers who did such bold and insanely cruel acts have been able to get away with it. Perhaps because the general public is more aware and new technology is available, the abuse that occurs in the West today is more secretive, available and yet "invisible"?

Your timeline is a difficult one and I commend you for your big steps in getting it written down and understanding your narrative. And thank you for being open and sharing your story with us. I wish I could be there to support you any way I could: I hope that it helps that we are cheering you on as you undertake this aspect of your recovery- it's the least that we can do. Over the past seven years, where has your therapy and recovery taken you? What are some of the things that you are working on? Would I be right to assume that you have issues disassociating and blanking out? While you might be psychologically hurt, your soul is strong.

Just remind this, you survived this lengthy ordeal and now you are thriving. You are making improvements and regaining control and healthy balanced in your life. You are bearing testament to what happened to you and not letting it be excused and forgotten. Don't forget that you are on the right path now and here on MS you are among friends and a team of empathetic supporters.

Wishing you the best in your recovery. I look forward to hearing more from you!

HUGS
 
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