Trouble with Sex

rileyk86

Registrant
Hi. I was abused by my step mother between ages 6-8, it was a lot more than just touching, but I won't mention that for triggers. Anyway, I have always had a fear of sexual intimacy with women. I have had sex (I have two kids) but I've never liked it. If I ever feel the need for sexual pleasure I just masturbate. But with sex I always tighten up, get nervous and sometime even shake. Especially when I feel like I'm being pressured. (Which has happened a lot).

Intimacy is why my wife and I broke up. She ALWAYS wanted sex. And I usually was submissive and did. She doesn't know, but I would cry and shake after sex after she was asleep. In our last year I finally started saying no. She cheated because of this. In our first 9 years we probably had sex 3 or 4 times per week. In our last year, it was maybe 6 times the whole year.

I hear a lot of people (men and women) who were sexually abused as children tend to have lots of sex with lots of people. Which I definitely have, but I hated it. Before my wife I would find dominant women and "pretend" to be submissive (even though it wasn't an act) and let them have there way with me. My wife was very dominant too. I hate being overpowered by women. But like a little boy I just let it happen. It's not until recently I have met women who respect my need for (sexual) space. And I've learned to say no better.

Can anyone relate?
 
Hi @rileyk86, I think lots of us here can relate. I certainly can. After my ex-wife sexually tortured and abused me, I got married again but was never able to maintain the sexual side of our relationship. We basically didn't have sex for five years. I'm a little better now after some intense trauma therapy, but it's never easy.

Are you in therapy?
 

rileyk86

Registrant
Oh yeah, I am 33, I've been in therapy since I was 14 when I first started recalling my sexual abuse. Yeah I don't have a girlfriend now but I've been out on a few dates since my divorce. Nothing that stuck. My now ex-wife was emotionally abusive at least and a sex addict.
 
I was really only comfortable with having sex with another person when I was trying to seduce them. That happened for me only with women and only in the context of "falling in love." That is why I married four times. I was a fervent lover and for two of the women I married, my ardor was too much for them and they asked me to cool it. My first wife was sixteen when we met, so we had three years of exciting, forbidden sex before we married. My second wife discovered she was pregnant with another man's child shortly after we became lovers so our sex life definitely cooled before she gave the child up for adoption and we married. Outside these relationships my sexual energy was devoted to pornography or anonymous sex with men. I would say NOTHING about my sexuality has been without the mark of early abuse imprinted on it. Yes, there were a few moments of actual intimacy, but more than once I experienced terror in being sexual.

As you read about the experience of folks coming to this website you can't help but feel the pain being carried by each of us as a result of the abuse, in whatever form it took. I see terror, rage, shame and grief as elements of the abuse we carry. And we have to tell the truth to ourselves about what happened if we're eventually to find release from that pain. It is possible to do and this is a fine place to do it since you're not alone on the journey. Men here know the territory and are more that willing to offer support. Stay in the conversation... tell the truth about what you're experiencing. None of us is alone with any of this. You can trust that fact.
 

Brennan87

Registrant
Riley,
You are not alone...…….Many of us leverage sex to act out. While I don't hate it, I very much want to have a tender, caring and compassionate sex life with my wife. I'm drawn to the imprinting, its what I learned, its (unfortunately) what I"m comfortable and famliiar with. Tender, caring and compassionate for me is uncomfortable and awkward and results in anxiety and in some cases, performance issues. It sucks, but its one day at a time..........
 

eagle79

Registrant
Hi. I was abused by my step mother between ages 6-8, it was a lot more than just touching, but I won't mention that for triggers. Anyway, I have always had a fear of sexual intimacy with women. I have had sex (I have two kids) but I've never liked it. If I ever feel the need for sexual pleasure I just masturbate. But with sex I always tighten up, get nervous and sometime even shake. Especially when I feel like I'm being pressured. (Which has happened a lot).

Intimacy is why my wife and I broke up. She ALWAYS wanted sex. And I usually was submissive and did. She doesn't know, but I would cry and shake after sex after she was asleep. In our last year I finally started saying no. She cheated because of this. In our first 9 years we probably had sex 3 or 4 times per week. In our last year, it was maybe 6 times the whole year.

I hear a lot of people (men and women) who were sexually abused as children tend to have lots of sex with lots of people. Which I definitely have, but I hated it. Before my wife I would find dominant women and "pretend" to be submissive (even though it wasn't an act) and let them have there way with me. My wife was very dominant too. I hate being overpowered by women. But like a little boy I just let it happen. It's not until recently I have met women who respect my need for (sexual) space. And I've learned to say no better.

Can anyone relate?
Oh I can VERY much relate! I will be 40 next month, never been married, no kids, don't like sex, and yet I have had MANY sex partners (and I look for the same partners you "enjoy"). I have also learned on saying NO, and it has been since March of 2017 since I last had sex. I sometimes have the urge, but I still don't do it.
 

flying

Registrant
I too can relate. Sex is something I want so bad at times, but then I feel guilty or ashamed afterwards. And this is with my wife of 21 years. I'm fortunate in that she is not pushy about sex at all. My mom issues still get to me frequently. I feel guilty or ashamed having sexual feelings for women. Not always, but sometimes.

I am also sometimes attracted to guys, and I think my mom would have preferred I be gay so she would be the only woman in my life.

I am working on embracing my sexuality and having confidence in myself, and letting go of the shame. My wife is very supportive, and I am grateful for that.
 

Mets86Fan

Registrant
I’ve had major problems having orgasms my entire sex life. By myself no problem but rare when I was with a girlfriend or wife. I still think it goes back to getting abused when I was 12 by girls and it just screwed up something in my head.
 
I’ve had major problems having orgasms my entire sex life. By myself no problem but rare when I was with a girlfriend or wife. I still think it goes back to getting abused when I was 12 by girls and it just screwed up something in my head.
Are you currently seeing a therapist, Mets?

It is incredibly difficult (if not impossible) to begin healing from sexual abuse without a professional to guide us along the way.
 

Mets86Fan

Registrant
I haven’t. To be honest I don’t know if I could. I feel like i have to deal with how broke I am already. I started taking anti depressants and it affected me finishing even when I tried to do things myself. But at this point I don’t have the energy to deal with it.
 

Short Man

New Registrant
Seems most sexual problems stem from childhood. That is also true for me however there were several things combined, each having a part on my development.

First: I was born out of wedlock back when it was really looked down on by society and even relatives.
Second: I had to be put in foster care so my mother could work to support the two of us.
Third: the foster mother had mental issues and found pleasure in degrading me in front of the other children. (possibly because of my being a bastard child though I don’t really understand her thinking.)
Forth: My mother often voiced her desires for a little girl and though she would add it didn’t mean she didn’t love me, the damage was done and I felt I was a disappointment to her.
And last: I was very short for my age making me a target for bullying.

I grew up feeling unwanted, a discard both for being a boy and for being a bastard child which I was often called even from relatives. One event that stands out in my mind was during Christmas at my grandmothers. An Uncle had all us kids line up as he went down the line to give each a quarter for Christmas. When he approached me, he said, “Bastard children don’t get one.” I ran to the bedroom devastated and in tears.

Up until I turned seven I think I was developing fairly well but that quickly changed. One morning while playing in the back yard with the other foster children, I needed to use the bathroom and not wanting to stop playing long enough to go inside, I relieved myself behind a tree. The youngest boy seeing me, ran inside and told the mother what I’d done. I was called in and despite my pleas, I was told to get undressed while she called the others in to watch.

As soon as I was down to just my underwear I heard her tell her daughter to fetch her a couple of the baby’s diapers and some pins. Now knowing her intent, I screamed in terror for forgiveness as she dragged me to the kitchen table and having the older boys holding me down, I was quickly diapered. I was then stood in front of everyone while they were instructed to laugh and call me a baby.

I was told that since I didn’t want to use the bathroom like a big boy, now I didn’t have to, I could use my diapers like a baby as that is what they’re for. I was kept in the diapers all day including being put in the baby’s high chair for lunch. Later that afternoon I again needed to use the bathroom and after several refusals, I ended up wetting myself only to again be stood before the others to be laughed at. I was then placed in the baby’s playpen and had to remain in my wet diapers the rest of the day. I was even forced to sleep in them that night. After that traumatic event, she often used diapers as the preferred punishment whenever she felt I misbehaved. She always grinned while diapering me and it was obvious she found pleasure in degrading and humiliating me. Oddly she never used this form of discipline on any of the other children.

These events destroyed my self esteem and I became very withdrawn and shy which only encouraged further bullying. Later in puberty I developed a fetish for being forced into diapers. I never felt comfortable being aggressive and being passive only convinced me I really was a child compared to others my age. I often wished I’d been a girl as my feelings would have been seen as more accepted and normal.

These feelings carried into my later marriage. My wife was also passive which made us both want the other to be aggressive. Understandably sex was very unsatisfying and I soon resorted to my fetishes for satisfaction. A few years passed until my wife had an affair and we ended up in divorce. This only confirmed I wasn’t worthy of being loved. After all, I am such a sick, diaper loving baby and even a bastard no one could ever love.

I am over 70 now and living alone. I often see that foster mother leaning over me grinning while she pins me in my shameful diapers for bed. Life is sad and very lonely but at least I do find comfort in sleeping like a baby. That does bring me some peace.
 
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Short Man... your story is painful to read, though it is a powerful reminder of how the damage of early trauma continues to haunt us for years, even decades. I've spoken about my life as a hell realm and it appears yours has been one as well. I'm sorry for the pain you experienced even as a grieve my own life. It is a comfort to have this place to tell our truth. We all need to be heard since carrying this pain alone if horrible. Perhaps in telling the truth we can begin to give ourselves a bit of slack. Finding a bit of compassion for ourselves, recognizing that what has caused us the most shame really was not of our own making, might make it easier to face this day. We've needed to do things to survive that cause great pain. Sex is a minefield and isn't worth traversing when the cost is so high. I wish us all well as we navigate this highly charged arena.
 
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