Trouble with Sex

rileyk86

Registrant
Hi. I was abused by my step mother between ages 6-8, it was a lot more than just touching, but I won't mention that for triggers. Anyway, I have always had a fear of sexual intimacy with women. I have had sex (I have two kids) but I've never liked it. If I ever feel the need for sexual pleasure I just masturbate. But with sex I always tighten up, get nervous and sometime even shake. Especially when I feel like I'm being pressured. (Which has happened a lot).

Intimacy is why my wife and I broke up. She ALWAYS wanted sex. And I usually was submissive and did. She doesn't know, but I would cry and shake after sex after she was asleep. In our last year I finally started saying no. She cheated because of this. In our first 9 years we probably had sex 3 or 4 times per week. In our last year, it was maybe 6 times the whole year.

I hear a lot of people (men and women) who were sexually abused as children tend to have lots of sex with lots of people. Which I definitely have, but I hated it. Before my wife I would find dominant women and "pretend" to be submissive (even though it wasn't an act) and let them have there way with me. My wife was very dominant too. I hate being overpowered by women. But like a little boy I just let it happen. It's not until recently I have met women who respect my need for (sexual) space. And I've learned to say no better.

Can anyone relate?
 
Hi @rileyk86, I think lots of us here can relate. I certainly can. After my ex-wife sexually tortured and abused me, I got married again but was never able to maintain the sexual side of our relationship. We basically didn't have sex for five years. I'm a little better now after some intense trauma therapy, but it's never easy.

Are you in therapy?
 

rileyk86

Registrant
Oh yeah, I am 33, I've been in therapy since I was 14 when I first started recalling my sexual abuse. Yeah I don't have a girlfriend now but I've been out on a few dates since my divorce. Nothing that stuck. My now ex-wife was emotionally abusive at least and a sex addict.
 
I was really only comfortable with having sex with another person when I was trying to seduce them. That happened for me only with women and only in the context of "falling in love." That is why I married four times. I was a fervent lover and for two of the women I married, my ardor was too much for them and they asked me to cool it. My first wife was sixteen when we met, so we had three years of exciting, forbidden sex before we married. My second wife discovered she was pregnant with another man's child shortly after we became lovers so our sex life definitely cooled before she gave the child up for adoption and we married. Outside these relationships my sexual energy was devoted to pornography or anonymous sex with men. I would say NOTHING about my sexuality has been without the mark of early abuse imprinted on it. Yes, there were a few moments of actual intimacy, but more than once I experienced terror in being sexual.

As you read about the experience of folks coming to this website you can't help but feel the pain being carried by each of us as a result of the abuse, in whatever form it took. I see terror, rage, shame and grief as elements of the abuse we carry. And we have to tell the truth to ourselves about what happened if we're eventually to find release from that pain. It is possible to do and this is a fine place to do it since you're not alone on the journey. Men here know the territory and are more that willing to offer support. Stay in the conversation... tell the truth about what you're experiencing. None of us is alone with any of this. You can trust that fact.
 

Brennan87

Registrant
Riley,
You are not alone...…….Many of us leverage sex to act out. While I don't hate it, I very much want to have a tender, caring and compassionate sex life with my wife. I'm drawn to the imprinting, its what I learned, its (unfortunately) what I"m comfortable and famliiar with. Tender, caring and compassionate for me is uncomfortable and awkward and results in anxiety and in some cases, performance issues. It sucks, but its one day at a time..........
 

eagle79

Registrant
Hi. I was abused by my step mother between ages 6-8, it was a lot more than just touching, but I won't mention that for triggers. Anyway, I have always had a fear of sexual intimacy with women. I have had sex (I have two kids) but I've never liked it. If I ever feel the need for sexual pleasure I just masturbate. But with sex I always tighten up, get nervous and sometime even shake. Especially when I feel like I'm being pressured. (Which has happened a lot).

Intimacy is why my wife and I broke up. She ALWAYS wanted sex. And I usually was submissive and did. She doesn't know, but I would cry and shake after sex after she was asleep. In our last year I finally started saying no. She cheated because of this. In our first 9 years we probably had sex 3 or 4 times per week. In our last year, it was maybe 6 times the whole year.

I hear a lot of people (men and women) who were sexually abused as children tend to have lots of sex with lots of people. Which I definitely have, but I hated it. Before my wife I would find dominant women and "pretend" to be submissive (even though it wasn't an act) and let them have there way with me. My wife was very dominant too. I hate being overpowered by women. But like a little boy I just let it happen. It's not until recently I have met women who respect my need for (sexual) space. And I've learned to say no better.

Can anyone relate?
Oh I can VERY much relate! I will be 40 next month, never been married, no kids, don't like sex, and yet I have had MANY sex partners (and I look for the same partners you "enjoy"). I have also learned on saying NO, and it has been since March of 2017 since I last had sex. I sometimes have the urge, but I still don't do it.
 

flying

Registrant
I too can relate. Sex is something I want so bad at times, but then I feel guilty or ashamed afterwards. And this is with my wife of 21 years. I'm fortunate in that she is not pushy about sex at all. My mom issues still get to me frequently. I feel guilty or ashamed having sexual feelings for women. Not always, but sometimes.

I am also sometimes attracted to guys, and I think my mom would have preferred I be gay so she would be the only woman in my life.

I am working on embracing my sexuality and having confidence in myself, and letting go of the shame. My wife is very supportive, and I am grateful for that.
 
Top