Trouble Relating to My Younger Self

Trouble Relating to My Younger Self
Induna said:
The pain we fear contains within it the strength we have hidden away. I know that sounds like schmaltzy Hallmark Hall of Fame pablum. It isn't. We build walls around what is most precious.
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Yes. This is it for me too.
 
When I first starting dealing with these abuse issues in my life, my therapist had me look at my childhood photos. At first I felt nothing looking at this little guy. But after a while I began to actually react to them. I saw in some of them this little boy who was hopelessly unaware, smiling and grinning in every photo. I thought to myself and to him "You were such a dumb little target. Didn't you know what would happen to you looking like that?" I became very angry with my child self. He was so sweet looking like a he didn't have a care in the world, and did not nor could not know what was going to happen to him. He had no defense at all. After looking at the photos for a few days, it dawned on me that what I thought was his greatest vulnerability was actually how he would learn to survive.
 
I can really relate to what you say. I often feel like I was a dumb target too. Now I can't shake the feeling like I have to live my life in preparation for the next horrible thing to happen since I never want to feel like I'm unaware of what's coming like I did when I was a kid. That said, I suppose it explains a part of why I have a hard time relating to my younger self, so at least that's some insight.
 
I understand. I feel like it couldn't have been me that was abused. I remember the abuse was like watching another boy that wasn't me. According to my family, I had a good childhood. I couldn't have been the one being abused by my step mother, mother and step father. I have been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. If I get stressed enough I black out. That happened many times during me abuse. It does feel safer to not recognize yourself as the one who was abused.
 
little_boy_lost said:
I understand. I feel like it couldn't have been me that was abused. I remember the abuse was like watching another boy that wasn't me. According to my family, I had a good childhood. I couldn't have been the one being abused by my step mother, mother and step father. I have been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. If I get stressed enough I black out. That happened many times during me abuse. It does feel safer to not recognize yourself as the one who was abused.
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What you describe makes perfect sense- the disassociation.
 
little_boy_lost said:
I understand. I feel like it couldn't have been me that was abused. I remember the abuse was like watching another boy that wasn't me. According to my family, I had a good childhood. I couldn't have been the one being abused by my step mother, mother and step father. I have been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. If I get stressed enough I black out. That happened many times during me abuse. It does feel safer to not recognize yourself as the one who was abused.
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Similar situation here except these same people I grew up with bring up things I’ve said as a child and it makes it odd being more sane from a state of insanity to survive
 
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