triggers

[beccy]

Hi everyone,

at the moment, with my newfound awareness of the 'truth' of my relationship with bf, I am struggling to deal with the situation of triggers.

I have been making huge efforts to notice when something is 'off' between us and ask bf if something just happened. This has been productive some of the time, but sometimes he lies and confuses me.

Some time back, I did say to him that a need I have is for him to try and let me know he's been triggered. This was becomming more and more important, as he was 'coming on' to me sexually all the time, and then becoming hostile. I was getting more and more confused and feeling 'played with'.

I now think he totally resented me asking for this. I actually feel like he resents ANYTHING I might need/want.

This is not just about sexual things, it's everything. Really I now very clearly see he's not respected any personal boundaries I may have actually tried to set through our relationship. Also, I didn't set some, because I didn't even knoe I needed them

Anyway, the night before last I was helping him up off the settee(he'd fallen asleep) and we were in a hug, and I said, ''this is what it will be like when we're old''. His whole body went tense. At first i didn't 'clock' it. We went upstairs, then I realised I felt really hurt/stupid for having expressed what I did. So I asked him if anything happened for him and he told me, at first it felt lovely, then he worried I might be feeling insecure still( which I am, but wasn't relevant in that particular situation). So, then he felt 'on test' to return the 'correct' sentiment(as deemed by me). I reacted too quickly I think and just felt hurt/angry. Expressed it. He said in hindsight, he realised it wasn't to do with me, but in the moment it all seemed hazy.

He tells me that sometimes he just 'freezes' and can't see it all clearly for what it is. He told me afterwards that it was lovely what I said, and that's what he wants too. He's trying really hard to work on all these issues and says he can see how it can become in time. I can see he's dedicated to this stuff. My problem now is that each time these situations occur, I feel so hurt that I retreat and become hostile for some time after and I can't accept affection from him. I suppose it must be because it just seems like anything I express just gets met with hostility.

He tells me all these reassuring things afterwards, but cause he's already treated me with hostility, I can't 'feel' anything from them. I've just been feeling more and more that he actually kind of hates me/anything i might need.

i am trying not to be 'needy' in any way, as i think that's a major trigger for him, but I can't find a healthy balance, as it feels like all i'm left with is walking away/saying i don't want anything from him. I'm feeling like I don't know how to be dignified in all of this

I don't think I'm wanting too much by needing him to communicate what's happening for him. I now realise the original emotion I want isn't too much anyway, but under our circumstances, just being treated with some consideration would maybe be enough for now? He even agreed with me when i said this....so maybe it's just not within his capability at the moment.

I'm noticing my own self-destructive behaviours and my tendency to 'withdraw' and become hostile. Just don't know how to keep on being loving/myself within all of this?

any comments anyone?

peace
Beccy

 

[Overburdened78]

Only my opinion on this but, stop trying so hard. Just be yourself and act as you are, when triggers come up for him let him communicate it to you in his own time. Meanwhile, don't take anything personally and don't beat yourself up if things don't get better right away or if he doesn't seem to get it right away. The guess work, trying to read his mind, trying to get him to communicate, trying to be his therapist maybe? It's all very tiring, no wonder why you're ready to withdraw. I could be way off here, it's just the way I see things. My brother once went almost two weeks without saying a word to me at all. I just went about my business as usual. He came back around eventually.

 

[beccy]

I'm not trying to read his mind, or guess at anything...I'm not even asking for the details, just to know that somothing happened and it's nothing to do with me and not to be treated in this hostile way...

not sure how to just get on with things.....I can't simply be myself, because when i'm myself, I get treated like this! It was years of that(plus my own dysfunctions) which led to me not being myself at all, so now I'm trying hard to be myself, but I'm a very sensitive person and not finding it very easy......Maybe I'm just not tough enough or something....

peace
Beccy

 

[Caetel]

Dear Beccy
I feel the same as Overburdened so I would say don't try to look for triggers because sometimes it can be, sometimes not and sometimes the survivor just does'nt know it is a trigger or can't work it out. Why ? Because a trigger is a reaction to a very complex unconscious survival strategy and the link between trigger and memory can be filtered through so many other elements (colours, objects, smells...connected to the abuse). It can be also extremely dangerous to push the survivor to understand the trigger because then you put him in a situation where he will have to face directly the memory he is trying to block for his own sanity and safety.
I really feel here you are trying to control the way he feels with that. Let him do the work if he wants to. Your relationship is going to lose all its spontaneity and natural if the pressure is always there that something is wrong or that everything is connected to the abuse.
Sorry about my honesty here and hope it will help you.

 

[beccy]

Caetel, here where you say,

''Your relationship is going to lose all its spontaneity and natural if the pressure is always there that something is wrong ''

there always IS something wrong and everything I do which is spontaneous, is met with hostility.
I'm so insecure at the moment and feeling like there's never really been any commitment from him, it's just that I've always chosen not to 'see' it. Now it's all come clear to me and I feel hurt, used and paranoid about his true feelings for me.

maybe I should just stop expressing anything, then it would be easier...that's what I used to do and at least then I didn't have to deal with feeling rejected constantly.

peace,
Beccy

 

[SAR]

I'm not even asking for the details, just to know that somothing happened and it's nothing to do with me and not to be treated in this hostile way...

Have you ever hit your head, or cut your finger, or had some other minor but painful injury, in front of the kids? And they instantly jump up and yell "Mom, mom, are you okay mom..." and all you really want is to take a quiet deep breath and process the pain in your head/finger for one second, and THEN tell them you are okay? But they need to know you are okay NOW. My kids do this a lot. It is very sweet, but in the moment it is extremely hard not to snap at them.

Beccy, I get the sense that your frustration is not even about the initial trigger or inappropriate come-on... it is about a scenario that plays out over and over where you are asking for a certain kind of validation from him that the relationship is okay, and he is not able to give it to you in the moment that you need it.

It sounds like he loves you and wants to reassure you, when he is able to understand what you need and has the energy to give it to you... and there is nothing wrong with having needs, every human being has needs.

Sometimes we have to trust that people do love us and are making their best attempt. When that trust is present, it becomes easier to adjust our expectations. Do you have this trust in your boyfriend? Do you have it in general? How flexible can you be in what you need from him?

For example-- what if you decided to respond to that initial "freeze" from him by doing something that keeps you close to him, but occupied, like calling a friend or reading a book? And let go of your expectation for kind attention from him *for that moment*-- I imagine that you would not have a problem doing that if you trusted that he would meet your expectation in the near future.

 

[Brokenhearted]

I would just like to add that maybe it's a little like this: Like when someone's loved one dies, and you don't know what to say....I've heard people say that sometimes the best way to act is not to constantly say, "Is there anything I can do? I'm so sorry," etc. Sometimes the best thing to do for them is just to be there, quietly, just so they're not alone, respecting their private feelings, even though you'd really like to say something to help them....sometimes the best thing to say is ....nothing.

Of course maybe this is easier for me to say since I have not yet experienced triggers w/ my hus. - I believe he has them because he freaks out a little when I try to hug him, wild eyes, him backing away, but even though I don't understand it, I allow it; I back off; I don't want to force anything or make him more uncomfortable than he clearly is.

I don't know, maybe I'm not being much help....but I do understand your feelings - you want so much to HELP NOW and it's simply not something anyone can do. I have no idea what therapists would advise on this - would they say to just accept it and be quiet and respect the csa man's privacy or would they advise to send up an alert every time there's a trigger? I really have no idea, but I truly feel it is a private, painful thing, and something that probably I will never really know about, and maybe don't need to; it is his personal painful memory and if he's uncomfortable about sharing them then I would have to respect that. Even though it sort of seems like if it were made known to me, it might diffuse the pain of it or at least I could share it w/ him. But maybe it would only serve to cause him more pain by speaking about it.

Hang in there. There's no easy way to deal with such a thing.