TRIGGERS
Today I did something that I haven't done for 19 years. I returned to the town where one of my S. A's. (Sexual asult) occured. My mother wanted to go to Estes Park Colorado for the day. She knows about my perp but she only know a that he abused me once. I never told my parents about the second asault. Actually I am not sure if my father knew about the first one before he died. I told my mother but I never knew if she told dad or not. Things like this aren't talked about in our family.
The first S A by my perp occured in our church in CHeyenne. I was seeing Dr. Laughlin for counseling. Because of a very ugly incidint my parents found out that I was gay. Dr. Laughlin had a ton of letters behind his name. DD ( doctor of divinity) Ph. D ( in Pshcology ) and Ed D. ( Doctor of Education ) so naturally mom and dad thought he was well qualified to "cure" me. I had been seeing a Psychicatrist in Denver who was supposed to "cure" me ... but he was more Homophobic of me than my mother was. His treatment the first day was ...." I charge $100.00 / hour .. your bill is $100.00 how are you going to pay this." The second day was ...." I charge $100.00 ... you bill is $200.00 .... how are you going to pay this." You get the picture. So when I was released from his care you can see why I was anxious to find someone to treat the problem ( or should I say my parents probelm ... they couldn't deal with having a gay son). I started seeing Dr. Laughlin and his course of action was to determine if I really was gay. But looking back now I see that what Dr. Laughlin was doing was grooming me for the S A. My therapy was telling his about my sex life. Who the guy was and the intimate details of the encounter. I think he got his Jollies by listening to me tell him about my sex life.
Moving on. I own a small landscaping company. (I started the business when I was in college) It was late April and the season was starting. I had gotten a call from a family friend stating that he (TED) wanted me to come over and give him an estimate on converting his sprinkler system from manual to automatic. I knew TED was a pervert but I thought I could deal with it. The controls for TED's sprinkler system were in his basement. He took me down there and got me in a corner. He had on a pair of short shorts and pulled out his ( you know) and started mastrubating. I treid to ignore him but suddeny he grabed the top button of my 501's and riped them off me. ( I never go out of the house without a belt on since this happened ) TED performed oral sex on me. I ejackulated very quickley .. all I can remember was wanting to get out of there. I took the time to get dressed since TED's wife was in the kitchen and ran out of the house. Ted called me several times wanting me to come back over to "discuss " the sprinkler system. Finally, I had to make up a lie to tell my parents. I told them that the way the system was installed originally I couldn't do the job. The last time TED called me he told me that if I'd let him {(sic) perform oral on me } I had the job. I would see TED in church and on several occasions TED would grope me.
Getting back to Dr. Laughlin. I saw Dr. Laughlin 10 days later. I told Dr. Laughlin about the S A with TED. Dr. Laughlin had his opening. He had been looking for a moment to make his move and he had it. He had been ploting his move since he started seeing me .... and this was his oportunity. He told me that I needed to be checked for AID's and that he had just read a study that you could detect AID's by feeling a persons glands. I let him feel my neck. He asked me to take off my shirt and I did. He felt under my armpits. Then he said that " the most important glands to check were the genitals and prostate" since "they were the closest to the source of infection and the would be the first to show swelling." How stupid could I have been? How niave? While I took my pants and underwear off he took my cloths and carefully folded them and put them over the chair. He then informed me that I should take off my socks too. When I asked why he asked me if I was ashamed of my body. I did strip ..completly naked. He then said .... "now when I examine you .... it is perfectly natural to get an erection. He then proceeded to fondle me for what seemed like forever. When he was done he sat down in his chair behind his desk and I started to put my cloths back on. He asked again " are you ashamed of your body " I said no .... and then he said.. "well you stripped for TED and I just want to make sure you aren't ashamed of your body. I told him I didn't strip for TED and gave him an evil stare. We continued to talk ( me in the nude ) about what TED had done to me. He then excused himself saying he had to use the restroom and told me to go ahead and get dressed. I waited for him for the longest time after I got dressed. I know Dr. Laughlin was in the bathroom mastrubating. Shortly after that Dr. Laughlin moved back to Ft. Collins CO. I drove down there about once a month to talk to him about how things were going. Dr. Laughlin was then offered a position as an interm pastor at a Presbyterian Church in Estes Park CO. For those of you not familiar with Estes it is a resort area about 90 miles northeast of Denver. One weekend Dr. Laughlin invited me to come up to visit him. See the Elk Buggleing, visit the sights etc. Thinking that what Dr. Laughlin had done to me in Cheyenne was therapy I took the oportunity to go see him. Besides I hadn't had a vacation all summer. I left after lunch one Friday and would spend in the cabbin that the church had provided for Dr. Laughlin. I arived at the church mid afternoon in late October. Dr. L gave me a tour of the church and then we sat in his office and talked. We drove to a restaurant for dinner. We were the only ones there. After dinner Dr. L said he needed to go to the church ... that he had forgotten something. We went back in to the church he got his things and then drove to his cabbin. Driving we drove across the golf course and there in the middle of the golf course were probably 25 to 30 Elk. There were two males fighting for territory and we watched them for a little while. We got back to Dr. L's cabbin and for some strange reason I was very tired ... and I told Dr. L I thought I'd go to bed. I remember Dr. L saying that he thought I needed to be checked for AID's again ... I told him I AM FINE .. and he seemed to take it at that. I went in to bed and Dr. L said he was going to stay up and watch T V. What is so strange is that I am never in bed before midnight ... but this night I was terribly tired. I remember waking up the next morning with an erection and Dr. L standing in the doorway to my bedroom. This is strange .... I didn't remember the erection until today.
Now to the triggers portion of this all. My mother wanted to go to church. The same church where Dr. Laughlin was. Until today I couldn't remember much about that church. I was worried about going there again. I was worreid about what triggers it might cause. I had been warned by a friend in NOMSV chat that he didn't think it was a good idea. I knew he was right ... but how could I explain to mom why I didn't want to go to the church. Every time we discuss the S A's we get into a big fight. I just prepared myself and told myself "I will get through this somehow." When we drove up to the church I was O K. But when we walked into the church I got an immediate TRIGGER. I had forgotten the stained glass window. I was of an angle protecting two little children. Then we moved on to the scripture lesson ...TRIGGER It was 2 Timothy 1 1-8a ... " do it by laying on of hands" I have often joked that Dr Laughlin was going to cure me of being gay by laying on of hands. Then we moved on to the Prayer ....TRIGGER all to often lord, we live with our eyes glued to the rearview mirror. we tend to concentrate on the past ..... I admitt that the entire time I was shaking. I cried several times ..... and not because the sermon was so moving.
But what is amazing is that tonight I am doing remarkably well. I had always wondered what happened in Estes Park. I had often wondered if Dr. Laughlin performed oral sex on me in my sleep. I also wondered if Dr. Laughlin may have drugged me and that was why I never remembered that night. I needed to know ... and now I think I do.
It is because of all of the support that I have from all the great people of NOMSV that I feel so good about today. Three months ago I don't think that I could have delt with today. Today I can. What has made the difference is that I have a support system in place. I have freinds that I talk to several times a week in NOMSV chat. I have retained an attorney that is willing to take on the Presbyterian Church USA. I have a therapist and Psychitrist that are letting me work this out on my terms. I'm happy about my life for the first time in many years. I'm crying right now but it is because I finally have hope in my life ... something I haven't had for a long time.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and thanks for being there when I have needed you.
I will write more later about the third Perp in my life .... but for now I need to get some sleep.
John
The first S A by my perp occured in our church in CHeyenne. I was seeing Dr. Laughlin for counseling. Because of a very ugly incidint my parents found out that I was gay. Dr. Laughlin had a ton of letters behind his name. DD ( doctor of divinity) Ph. D ( in Pshcology ) and Ed D. ( Doctor of Education ) so naturally mom and dad thought he was well qualified to "cure" me. I had been seeing a Psychicatrist in Denver who was supposed to "cure" me ... but he was more Homophobic of me than my mother was. His treatment the first day was ...." I charge $100.00 / hour .. your bill is $100.00 how are you going to pay this." The second day was ...." I charge $100.00 ... you bill is $200.00 .... how are you going to pay this." You get the picture. So when I was released from his care you can see why I was anxious to find someone to treat the problem ( or should I say my parents probelm ... they couldn't deal with having a gay son). I started seeing Dr. Laughlin and his course of action was to determine if I really was gay. But looking back now I see that what Dr. Laughlin was doing was grooming me for the S A. My therapy was telling his about my sex life. Who the guy was and the intimate details of the encounter. I think he got his Jollies by listening to me tell him about my sex life.
Moving on. I own a small landscaping company. (I started the business when I was in college) It was late April and the season was starting. I had gotten a call from a family friend stating that he (TED) wanted me to come over and give him an estimate on converting his sprinkler system from manual to automatic. I knew TED was a pervert but I thought I could deal with it. The controls for TED's sprinkler system were in his basement. He took me down there and got me in a corner. He had on a pair of short shorts and pulled out his ( you know) and started mastrubating. I treid to ignore him but suddeny he grabed the top button of my 501's and riped them off me. ( I never go out of the house without a belt on since this happened ) TED performed oral sex on me. I ejackulated very quickley .. all I can remember was wanting to get out of there. I took the time to get dressed since TED's wife was in the kitchen and ran out of the house. Ted called me several times wanting me to come back over to "discuss " the sprinkler system. Finally, I had to make up a lie to tell my parents. I told them that the way the system was installed originally I couldn't do the job. The last time TED called me he told me that if I'd let him {(sic) perform oral on me } I had the job. I would see TED in church and on several occasions TED would grope me.
Getting back to Dr. Laughlin. I saw Dr. Laughlin 10 days later. I told Dr. Laughlin about the S A with TED. Dr. Laughlin had his opening. He had been looking for a moment to make his move and he had it. He had been ploting his move since he started seeing me .... and this was his oportunity. He told me that I needed to be checked for AID's and that he had just read a study that you could detect AID's by feeling a persons glands. I let him feel my neck. He asked me to take off my shirt and I did. He felt under my armpits. Then he said that " the most important glands to check were the genitals and prostate" since "they were the closest to the source of infection and the would be the first to show swelling." How stupid could I have been? How niave? While I took my pants and underwear off he took my cloths and carefully folded them and put them over the chair. He then informed me that I should take off my socks too. When I asked why he asked me if I was ashamed of my body. I did strip ..completly naked. He then said .... "now when I examine you .... it is perfectly natural to get an erection. He then proceeded to fondle me for what seemed like forever. When he was done he sat down in his chair behind his desk and I started to put my cloths back on. He asked again " are you ashamed of your body " I said no .... and then he said.. "well you stripped for TED and I just want to make sure you aren't ashamed of your body. I told him I didn't strip for TED and gave him an evil stare. We continued to talk ( me in the nude ) about what TED had done to me. He then excused himself saying he had to use the restroom and told me to go ahead and get dressed. I waited for him for the longest time after I got dressed. I know Dr. Laughlin was in the bathroom mastrubating. Shortly after that Dr. Laughlin moved back to Ft. Collins CO. I drove down there about once a month to talk to him about how things were going. Dr. Laughlin was then offered a position as an interm pastor at a Presbyterian Church in Estes Park CO. For those of you not familiar with Estes it is a resort area about 90 miles northeast of Denver. One weekend Dr. Laughlin invited me to come up to visit him. See the Elk Buggleing, visit the sights etc. Thinking that what Dr. Laughlin had done to me in Cheyenne was therapy I took the oportunity to go see him. Besides I hadn't had a vacation all summer. I left after lunch one Friday and would spend in the cabbin that the church had provided for Dr. Laughlin. I arived at the church mid afternoon in late October. Dr. L gave me a tour of the church and then we sat in his office and talked. We drove to a restaurant for dinner. We were the only ones there. After dinner Dr. L said he needed to go to the church ... that he had forgotten something. We went back in to the church he got his things and then drove to his cabbin. Driving we drove across the golf course and there in the middle of the golf course were probably 25 to 30 Elk. There were two males fighting for territory and we watched them for a little while. We got back to Dr. L's cabbin and for some strange reason I was very tired ... and I told Dr. L I thought I'd go to bed. I remember Dr. L saying that he thought I needed to be checked for AID's again ... I told him I AM FINE .. and he seemed to take it at that. I went in to bed and Dr. L said he was going to stay up and watch T V. What is so strange is that I am never in bed before midnight ... but this night I was terribly tired. I remember waking up the next morning with an erection and Dr. L standing in the doorway to my bedroom. This is strange .... I didn't remember the erection until today.
Now to the triggers portion of this all. My mother wanted to go to church. The same church where Dr. Laughlin was. Until today I couldn't remember much about that church. I was worried about going there again. I was worreid about what triggers it might cause. I had been warned by a friend in NOMSV chat that he didn't think it was a good idea. I knew he was right ... but how could I explain to mom why I didn't want to go to the church. Every time we discuss the S A's we get into a big fight. I just prepared myself and told myself "I will get through this somehow." When we drove up to the church I was O K. But when we walked into the church I got an immediate TRIGGER. I had forgotten the stained glass window. I was of an angle protecting two little children. Then we moved on to the scripture lesson ...TRIGGER It was 2 Timothy 1 1-8a ... " do it by laying on of hands" I have often joked that Dr Laughlin was going to cure me of being gay by laying on of hands. Then we moved on to the Prayer ....TRIGGER all to often lord, we live with our eyes glued to the rearview mirror. we tend to concentrate on the past ..... I admitt that the entire time I was shaking. I cried several times ..... and not because the sermon was so moving.
But what is amazing is that tonight I am doing remarkably well. I had always wondered what happened in Estes Park. I had often wondered if Dr. Laughlin performed oral sex on me in my sleep. I also wondered if Dr. Laughlin may have drugged me and that was why I never remembered that night. I needed to know ... and now I think I do.
It is because of all of the support that I have from all the great people of NOMSV that I feel so good about today. Three months ago I don't think that I could have delt with today. Today I can. What has made the difference is that I have a support system in place. I have freinds that I talk to several times a week in NOMSV chat. I have retained an attorney that is willing to take on the Presbyterian Church USA. I have a therapist and Psychitrist that are letting me work this out on my terms. I'm happy about my life for the first time in many years. I'm crying right now but it is because I finally have hope in my life ... something I haven't had for a long time.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and thanks for being there when I have needed you.
I will write more later about the third Perp in my life .... but for now I need to get some sleep.
John