Triggers ***trigger warning***

Healing light

I have had some stress that's deflected my thoughts from me and my mind under the pressure I have found I either had less triggers or as my partner says I disregarded them. She says that's not healthy BUT
My point is I functioned , I managed to do things I can't usually , I went places I can't usually , I had no choice my partner couldn't
My thoughts now is I clearly don't push myself enough usually day to day
I clearly chuck to many balls in her court and have done for years doesn't feel good but I can take that if only she agreed to chucking those balls back and sharing them but she doesn't they have been taken back now and she's juggling with them.
That's by the by
I clearly don't push myself enough.
Sitting in my car outside thinking about all the years that have passed me by now stuck in this past in my head , I'm the only one that can get myself out of it , if I pushed that is

Push all the memories out of my head so I can process them and put them to rest
I lack so much motivation , I know I need to eat healthier but I don't
I know I need to exercise but I don't
I know I need to cut back smoking but I don't
That list would go on too long

But how do you even put some stuff in words.

That's my biggest struggle
And then with those words that feel like an atom bomb
How do you then let it off knowing that whoever you tell may never forget those words you spoke or wrote because you haven't forgotten and you never will

It's a different kind of silence , it's a different kind of hold my abusers have over me even though two of the main 3 are dead the third in prison
Theres no family to destroy , it's gone or it was truly never there to begin. Theres no family name , no honour
But there's still silence

Feeling trapped in this silence though

I know where my triggers come from the main ones
I remember vividly
I feel it intensely
Im horrified , disgusted, and traumatised again and again

While I search for a way out of this silence

I have no idea if anyone will identify at all but writing was a good thing to be doing
And if anyone would it would be here
Thank you for sharing, I do identify with all you wrote in many ways. The line that struck me hard was "It's a different kind of silence, it's a different kind of hold my abusers have over me"
This is very well written. Almost like it should be in the poetry section. so many truths that could apply to all of us!!

Thank you for sharing this, brother! I wish you peace and guidance on your Healing Journey!!
Healing Light... I found that the only way I could deal with the abuse ...was to face it...push through all the emotions associated with it and understand it. I mentioned in an earlier reply...that I "bullied" my way through it. It was a really, really difficult time for me and those I associated with. Especially the members online. But, it paid off for me. Let me say this way is not for everyone, a lot of ups and downs(mostly downs, lots of anger) but, the ups...were a step forward/a win(although most of the time I didn't feel it or realize it). For me I had to do it this way. I was so tired of being the victim. I can honestly now say that I've beaten those that abused me and the abuse I put myself through.