*TRIGGERS* Body mutilation as a result of abuse

[Strangeways]

*TRIGGER WARNING FOR ENTIRE POST*

This is incredibly hard to talk about, and I don't even know if this topic is allowed to be talked about, let alone if I'm posting it in the right place. Apologies all around if this is inappropriate, and here is yet another trigger warning for sexuality and injury.

As a result of my abuse, I sustained significant mutilation to my body. Specifically - this is the worst part - to my genitals. I've just buried it and I don't think about it. My wife knows the basics of the abuse, but I don't really talk to her about this part of it either. I don't really want to go into any more detail here for obvious reasons except to say that yes, everything still mostly works OK. The mutilation, however, has made sex significantly less fun than it was before I was mutilated (this happened to me as an adult).

I'm pretty deep into trauma therapy, but this is something that I haven't processed or even dealt with at all, really. I feel such grief and anger about it, and I guess I have to bring it up at therapy, which will definitely be difficult and might be terrible.

I don't even know what to say about it. It's not fixable - at least not without an amount of suffering and risk that I deem unacceptable. I don't know how I can even begin to work through something like this.

Even if no one else has this experience, I want to reach out anyway because I just feel really alone. Even if no one else can relate, maybe others just listening in fellowship could help. I don't know. This is really bad.

Thanks for reading.

 

[TJ jeff]

You are not alone - though I feel it's only fair that I admit that what I was left with was only "cosmetic" and does not effect function at all

I have had a few doctors over the years ask about it which has led to some very awkward discussion (luckily I've never had a doc respond badly)

A good trauma therapist should not be shocked and should be able to help you process what happened

 

[Strangeways]

Oh wow. I pretty much blocked out my doctors' reactions to my injury. Some of them were really bad, to the point that I was completely afraid to disrobe for other doctors afterwards.

Before I realized that it had been the result of abuse, because I blamed myself for my mutilation, I used to be afraid that a doctor would take a look at me and have me committed as a danger to myself.

When I went to a surgeon to see if I could be repaired, the pain from the examination sent me into a flashback. Pre-therapy, I had no idea what was happening and spent an hour in a corner of the office crying. The surgeon was disgusted with me and dismissed all of it. He's the only one who'll do the surgery in the city I live in, so even if there wasn't a risk, I don't think I could go back to him anyway.

Crap. Sorry for spilling all this. It just all came out. Thanks for your fellowship TJ jeff.