Triggers and How to Handle Them

Obi

Registrant
Jeff,

cutting can also take you permanently out.

none of us want to see that happening. We care about you deeply and, to be quite honest, if you are cutting yourself more and deeper then, because I truly care about you, I strongly suggest you have yourself committed to a facility to not only help keep you dry, but to also keep you from cutting as well so that you can get the time to heal physically and emotionally before it is too late.
 

JayBro

Registrant
I agree with Jeff. It may be that you are replacing one unhealthy and harmful behaviour with another, so in the end you are still in the same position with your pain. I think it would be best if you sought out help for both keeping dry and to help you stop cutting, perhaps a hospital or treatment centre for now to help you calm down and stop both behaviours.

It is impossible to work on healing from our CSA when we are still deeply struggling with current dangerous coping mechanisms such as substance abuse and self-injury.

We care about you and want you to truly be getting better.
 
Hey Obi and Jaybro

It's interesting that you both say the same thing. I got a call from my shrink yesterday afternoon. He mentioned to me that my T had talked to him that he was concerned about me. I guess it had to do with my with cutting and drinking. The last time I had a drink was the Monday before last after my T appointment and I really fucked up big time. I really think that I scared my wife. She couldn't calm me down most of the night, I was going from one nightmare to another then to flashbacks. I never wanted her to see me like that. I apologized to her the next morning and made a decision to stop the drinking. I won't see my T till a week from this coming Monday and my shrink till 3/23.

The problem is that I have to do something to stop the pain and the only thing I have left is to cut. I told my shrink that the Valium acts too slow so he mentioned that I could chew them and put them under my tongue because it would get into my system faster. Too bad it's not fast enough. I will try again after this post.

There is no way that I want my kids or grandkids to know that I'm a drunk, or was a druggy, prostitute or forced to do what I did at the movies. I would rather die than have them live with the stigma of what I was.

I must find some way to stop this fucken pain and I'm very sorry that what both of you suggest is not for me. I refuse to let my story get out and ruin the lives of my family.

Thank you both so much for your concern. love you both :)

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 

Obi

Registrant
Jeff,

I just saw a post on Facebook about a woman who also self harms by cutting. Her T suggested to draw on her skin, with a felt tip marker, where she would cut and see if that helps. She posted a picture with a design drawn out and said that it has helped her to stop cutting. It is a lot safer and washes off. Perhaps this might help to curb the cutting. It can be at least a safe try.
 

Obi

Registrant
How do you know, Jeff?

have you tried? What could you lose?

please consider trying it.
 
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I appreciate the idea but writing on my arm will not replace the pain I need to get me out of the moment. I've tried snapping a rubber bands on my wrist or flicking a plastic ruler on my forearm but those things don't work so I can only imagine where writing on my arm will go. My T had spoken to my shrink last week so when my shrink called me on Friday I told him that I stopped drinking a week ago last Monday. I told him the problem with the cutting now that I stopped drinking. He mentioned the Valium that he prescribed to me but I told him it takes too long to kick in. So he mentioned that I should chew it and put it under my tongue. so far that's not working. If I see this doesn't work I'll just go back to drinking which is the last thing I want to do.

Thanks for being a friend

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 

Obi

Registrant
Jeff,

I suggested the marker idea as an alternative to checking in to a facility. If you have your mind dead set on it not working before you even try it, then it won't work. However, if you went into it with an open mind that it could help you and is a safe alternative, then there is a chance it might work.

honestly, Jeff, you are playing a dangerous game with cutting. A game where the stakes are your life. I say this because I love ya brother, but I still think that you should check yourself into a facility. Your kids and grandkids don't need to know why you're going there. If they ask, just simply tell them that they don't need to know and that you're just going to get some help that you need. That is it.

like I said, you are playing a deadly game with your life with cutting and if you don't get help soon you will eventually lose that game. That is the last thing any one of us want, because even though you have a hard time believing it, your wife and family love you. Moose loves you. I love you and so do many others. You have many people in your life who love you and want you to get healthy and happy. You deserve that.
 

JayBro

Registrant
I agree with Obi on this one, Jeff.
You also need to keep in mind that if your kids and/or grandkids ever find out about the horrors you went through, they would not judge you or be ashamed of you. I believe that they would in fact understand your pain more and may want to provide you their support. Often the "what ifs" we build up before telling loved ones about the abuse are much worse than they actually are. For example, the families of veterans from war who suffer from PTSD and complex-PTSD (which may be what you are suffering due to the abuse) understand that they had experienced immense trauma and are not ashamed of them. A supportive family who is educated on this topic (or willing to be educated) will never judge you.
 
This post was uncalled for. I'm sorry

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
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Obi

Registrant
* this post is so jeff's post isn't the last in the thread to prove he isn't a thread killer even though he asked us not to reply to him. *
 
I'm sorry for saying what I did and I thought that since I was the last to post so many times I got into my head that I was the killer of threads

I still feel funny about it but due to some guy in Texaaas and my T I see that I was off base.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 

woodenshoes

Registrant
Jeff

We all will get it right in the next life. Maybe we will learn to say leave me the f_-_ alone. Don't touch me.

Ws
 

Obi

Registrant
it's all good, jeff....

i'm just glad that you are still putting in the fight to work through your issues. it may take a long time, but you aren't giving up and that comes with a great deal of respect...

keep talking. keep sharing. NEVER believe you kill these threads, because you don't. please remember that all of us care about you...
 
I don't know if this qualifies as a trigger but it makes me want to drink again. I know that I am really set off with the faces of kids and a lot of things that happened in my youth. But there is something like a trigger that is killing me slowly.

I have parents that I wish I didn't have. I wanted parents that loved me and I'm sure there are so many guys out there that wanted "real" parents also. I was in Washington Square Park http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Washington_Square_Park killing time till I had to go to my T's office which is only a block away. I used to hang out there as a kid sometimes turning tricks or just having fun. It seems to be a very big tourist attraction all year around.

There were a family of tourists that caught my attention because the kids were blond. There were 3 kids, a girl and boy around 12 and another boy about 8. (blond kids sort of trigger me because I was blond and that's what the johns liked.) Since not really being with my parents since I was 12-13 it was very hard on me to help them out by moving them up here to NY from Florida. I think that they have been here about 8 years now. I built them an apartment attached to my house at the cost of $200,000 loan which I am paying interest and all. At the time I was mortgage free, I owed no one any money. The deal was that they would pay for the addition when they sold their condo in Florida. At that time the economy went south and my parents came north.

I had a feeling this was not going to be a happy time when while we were helping the movers bring in their furnishings. My mother told me that she didn't want to move here it was my father's idea. After a few days of that trash talk I offered to move her back to Florida at my expense and they could get a condo for half the price of what they sold it for. I never did get an answer since every relative in Florida was 6 feet under, green grass growing all around.

My mother never said anything good about me at any time in my life and my father was a doorknob by never backing me up, just reading a book or the paper. My mother never had anything nice to say about any of my six kids but to top that she has nothing nice to say about my grandkids. (I don't consider my parents are any relationship to my parents.)

I sat in the park watching this family sit on one of the benches and hand out some sandwiches and other stuff. These kids were on top of the world. Laughing, jumping and anything else a happy kid would do taking in all the sites with a clear view with the new WTC.

My parents went on 2 round the world trips without me. I stayed one summer with papasan and one summer at a job in a sleep away camp where I was fired within 2 weeks and I ended up with papasan again. I made him a lot of money those two summers. I'm not complaining about the time I spent with papasan because he was my surrogate father, he was my real family and I loved him and I also loved my boyfriend Bobby.

It was cold today but they all were having a great time. they spread out a bunch of food they brought along and ate, played, took pictures and whatever else a happy family does.

My first thoughts were that they looked like such a together and happy family and when I had to get up to go to my T session it hit me. Why couldn't I have something like that, why couldn't any of us have a life like that. It really fucked up my whole day, even now I feel like a piece of shit. I know that my grandkids are well taken care of by their parents and that's what counts. I just can't figure out why I brought my parents into their lives. Maybe I was dreaming that my grandchildren would have great grandparents. Boy did I fuck up.

Oh I forgot to tell you what happened to the $200k loan. My house was in foreclosure because I was having trouble making payments. So my mother told me that she was sorry that she couldn't give me the money for the addition because if I lose my house they would have nothing to live on. I guess I'm still that piece of shit I always was. My T asked me if I really thought that they would change and I said I was hopeful that they would see their great grandchildren and be thrilled. They never really got to know any of their grandchildren. They came up every year for 2 weeks and then went back. They said that the reason was that the kids were too wild. Good going mom you asshole bitch.

Me my wife and kids all in one way or another took care of their healthcare. My father in a few weeks will turn 100 and my mother is 94. My kids all got together and made them a 75th wedding anniversary. My kids went all out with a tent and photographer and all the trimmings. My kids are really great even though they also never heard a good word from them.

I know for sure that if I left them in Florida they would not be here. It's not for now to write about the shit that went on. Now I think of the mistake I made. So you ask what is my trigger. Simple - why the fuck did I bring them up here. I lived more or less without them since the age of 12-13 and we were a happy family not being anywhere in the same vicinity or state. Now all I can do is kick myself in the ass for bringing them here.

After seeing my T I had a shrink appointment where I asked him for medicine that would help me not to drink. I have big doubts now that I will take it, I would rather be drunk. I guess I have all night tonight and till tomorrow night when I pass my liquor store to see if I stay sober or not.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
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