Triggers and How to Handle Them

(((Jeff))),

You went back into that cycle that you are stuck in after your shrink apt.

Booze, cutting, T sessions, Shrink sessions & right back to that deadly cycle.

But, you keep coming back to this forum seeking the wisdom,
COMPASSION & UNDERSTANDING from your brothers/friends.
That is progress in it'self.
As you already know we are here for each other, either in a PM, or here in the open forum, telephone & SKYPE.

But it's up to you to do the hard part. All we can do for you my brother, Jeff, is to offer you our compassion, understanding, love & hope.
The rest is up to you in trying to come to terms with yourself.

I'm sure that some of us here have our own way in trying to block out those visions & sounds. You know mine.

I sure wish that our brother, pufferfish (Allen) was here to help you.

Keep on trying to stop that vicious cycle that you are in.
You can't rely on the booze, or the cutting (watching the blood drip) to numb out.
Because, those visions, sounds & smells will still be there.
We/you can't fight two battles at the same time & expect to make much progress in our healing journey together.

So, my brother, Jeff, you have our compassion, uunderstanding, love & hope for you in coming to terms with your self.
The rest is up to you.

Love, Hugs, Hope & Healing, my brother, Jeff.
pete.irishmoose.
 
(((Jeff)))

You are fighting so many battles at one time. I imagine it must be completely bewildering to you and that you are filled with compulsions which you cannot control. I hope you can work on your cutting and your alcohol use. Removing them both from your life would probably help. I can only speak from experience, and I know that I am a better and stronger person after 10 years of sobriety. Find help. Know that you are loved and supported. I wish I could help.
 
Hey Pete - It was good skyping with you last night. Love ya

Hey shoes and NM - thanks for caring, I appreciate that very much

Among the meds I'm taking is Celexa and Seroquel. Before my shrink appointment last monday I had upped my Seroquel from 150 mg to 175 mg. After my appointment I upped my Seroquel to 200 mg. I know that it might take up to a week to take effect but I had to get myself under control. Last night I didn't drink or cut and I was feeling the effects of the new Seroquel dosage. I know that it is helping but I went and upped the dosage again to 225 mg last night because I didn't want to wait another week I wanted to stay on a roll of not killing myself. My shrink said that 300 - 400 mg is not out of the question and that he has many patients with double that. He told me that I will find my place with the correct dosage and I can hold it there.

I was up last night around 4:30 am because I had too many memories going through my mind. I guess those memories can also be considered triggers even though I didn't freak out because of them. I just sat up in bed and was going through the events of living in the village. Where Bobby and would score drugs, just having fun trying to panhandle the college students which were all over the place. The game of cat and mouse we played with the police when they tried to scare us with being thrown into juvi. Most kids our age were playing baseball and other sports like that but this was our life and game.

There were four of us in the apartment that papasan got just for us in the village and we would have a party about once a week. In order to pay for the party we would all take turns turning tricks. Bobby and I were never turning tricks on the street and that's where the other 2 kids in the apartment came in since those 2 were the complete opposite of us, they were real street kids while Bobby and I were really naive and only delivered to a john. It was not safe for us to be on the street. I also think now that he might have gotten more money for us than a street kid brought him.

I had told my T about this and how the other 2 kids would make the deal for one of us handling the cash and what we would do for it. I told my T that the kids would make sure that they knew all about the john as a way to make sure that he would bring us back unharmed. My T then asked me what made me us so sure that I would be returned in good condition or even be returned at all. Kids that play the streets very often get beaten and might never come back at all. This is one of the things I was thinking of last night. It sort of gave me a chill in that I could have just ended up in the river. It's hard to convey the feeling of relief that I'm still here today. Being driven someplace to some motel in I don't know where is something that sticks in my mind this morning and just won't go away.

I knew of kids that were just not there the next day. I don't know what happened to them but there was nothing in the papers about anyone found in the river. Maybe they were sent to juvi or just left the scene. I just can't get the fact out of my mind that I could have just disappeared.

I'm a little more flat this morning probably due to the meds so I'm not really freaked out by any on my memories that usually keep playing over and over in my mind. It's good to to be able to look at the past and stay calm.

Sorry for posting so much but I just want people to know that meds can help considerably in easing the effects of triggers. It is a process that is a trial of different combinations of meds but I think that my shrink has found that combination that is finally making a change in me on how I handle my triggers.

Again I'm sorry for taking up the time of so many of you with my fucked up childhood and the triggers that consume my adult life at this moment. Thanks for the input, it helps me a lot :)

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
Well said. I was on seroquel at a low to mid dosage. For me it knocked me out. I had to drag myself out of bed. I could sit at a desk and be fast asleep in no time. It took away the anxiety and the nightmares and flashbacks were muted. I stopped taking it because of the exhaustion. Well life continued to spin out of control, triggers all around me, going to the place of the abuse to bury my mother. It became overwhelming, but I did not go back on seroquel until the dissociation reached new heights.

Finally everything began to come together, I moved out away from the triggers, had found wonderful support and ultimately I was able to come off seroquel. I believe it played a role in healing along with therapy, support groups and having found a wonderful supportive group of friends.

I understand there are other medications that will help you through the triggers. As said, what works for one may not work for someone else. It is by trial and error. I had neurocardiogenic syncope, I would pass out because the blood pressure would drop. Strangely one of the medications that helped was a blood pressure lowering medication. I asked the doctor why and he said they do not know. It was the same thing, what worked for me would not work for someone else. It took months before they found th right combination of medications. Trial and error. Everyone says matters of the mind are gray, but even a physical illness was gray.
 
WOW KMCINV

I had the same thing happen to me that I was feeling fine after I started it and it was working fine but I felt I was a little too flat and like you I would have to be dragged out of bed so I cut back. After that I started to go downhill. I had explained that to my shrink and he told me he wanted me to up it. But if wasn't feeling good like I had too much he told me to reduce it, in my case, by 25 mg and then in 2 weeks up the mg again. Now I'll put up with the flatness.

No I would never tell anyone that he should take this combination of drugs but that I think that in order to start addressing my past I have to be able to control the triggers and pain I see the only way for me was meds.

I know a few people who are scared or just don't want to take drugs for whatever reason but it is worth at least a talk with a shrink. I could tell that my shrink is not up to date with the problems of CSA (he's learning) but he knows his meds and combinations for different issues like PTSD, depression, etc. He's a regular witch doctor :)

When I started therapy with my T he was trying to convince me to see a shrink which he would set up for me, but I was reluctant. I would sit for 45 minutes and not be able to talk to him at all, he told me that I had to do something so I can calm down and interact. I was really freaked out the first weeks and one week he told me to sit down in his waiting room to calm down, which of course I didn't do. I left of his office and went straight out to 5th ave waiting for a bus to come by. Thankfully it never did. About 5 minutes waiting I snapped out of it and walked to the park where I hustled as a kid and sat down for 45 minutes. The next week I asked him to set up an appointment with a shrink. Nothing got fixed immediately but I feel I'm on the right path.

What I want to bring out with all my babbling is that meds are a serious option to think about. It feels really great to be able to walk on a city street without being constantly triggered and paranoid. Not that it's all gone but I'm able to be on the street and not feel like someone is going to abduct me again with every step I take.

Thanks KC

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
I wasn't going to post but I thought it very important to tell everybody how not to handle triggers - by getting drunk and or cutting. I've had this problem for quite a while and I thought that it was stopping because the intervals of getting drunk was becoming longer. The one thing that I notice now is that the drinking and cutting have been on the upswing and getting more violent.

I used to drink and or cut to take me out of the moment and calm me down but over the last couple of months I've been having problems with hating myself as opposed to taking my mind off the things I've done to others. I had skype'd a friend of mine last night and I was past being just drunk but in another world. The worst part was that I was cutting my arm to shreds. My dungeon looked like a gruesome murder scene. There was blood all over me, little puddles of blood on the floor and a dozen or so tissues.

It was extremely nice of him to talk to me for an hour and a half. I remember nothing of the conversation but I spoke to him this evening and I was taken aback of how I was trashing myself. Cleaning up my dungeon a little while ago I realize how vicious and how much I must hate myself deep down. Even though I was drugged, forced and threatened with my life doing what I did at the age of 14, I still scare myself on how much deep down I hate what I had to do and hate myself for doing it.

I have read a few books on how small children will almost never tell anyone what was happening to them. They will almost never out anyone who was abusing them in any way no matter how bad it is for them. They will hide their bruises so nobody will know that they are being abused and also so they won't get the perps in trouble. One big reason for this behavior is that they feel that nobody will believe them and by them saying anything will only bring more pain. Children usually don't know where to run to in order to get away from their abusers.

It reminds me of a friend of mine that played for the same judo school as I did. His father used to beat the shit out of him. Whenever I used to see him I would be putting salve on his welts and cuts. He was the only male player that I knew that always wore an undershirt under his judo uniform. He didn't want anyone to see his bruises, I was the only one who knew. When we were 15 he ran away to San Fransisco where he eventually died at age 20 of a drug overdose, I am 99% sure that it was a suicide.

I remember when I was 9 and for about the next 4 years that I and my best friend were being abused both physically and sexually we said nothing we just tried to stay away from those to kids who were around 8 years older than us. We didn't tell anyone.

At 12 I was already a prostitute turning tricks. But between the ages of 14 and 15 I was forced into the worst part of my life. Again I didn't say anything out of fear for my life. For the next 40 years I never told anyone what happened to me. I had moved away from my parents house and started a new life where nobody knew me or my background. I led a life of silence since then.

Now that people here on MS know more or less of my past I have turned to hating myself for what I did. I still can't tell anyone around me aside for my wife and one local friend what had happened to me. So again instead of telling people around me what I went through I keep silent and I find comfort in drinking and cutting. This is the type of silence caused by guilt and shame. Only now the drinking and cutting have been the only way I know how to handle triggers. I see now that hating myself has been the latest way to handle my triggers. I cannot pass a young child on the street without having a flood of memories of what I had done. I have been able to stay away from my memories by listening to really hard rock blasting in head to the constant wearing of earbuds. That and Valium get me through the day and drinking and cutting get me through the night.

After seeing what I did to myself last night I see I must change otherwise my future is in jeopardy. I hope that seeing the evidence of what I did to myself last night will be the kick in the ass needed to stop this kind of reaction to triggers. I see that I have to work harder with my shrink to find the correct meds and with my T to help me hating myself.

Thank you for the time you spent reading this. I wish you all peace in your lives.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 

woodenshoes

Registrant
Jeff

Brother don't beat yourself up. You are a worthy person. Try control you cutting we need you here. Your conversations are helping others here deal with there different abuses. We all struggle with demons we need to understand the why this, why that, it was caused by the perps that got us. You need to remind your self of that.

Love and hope to you.
Woodenshoes
 
(((Jeff))),

Once again, you have to start believeing in yourself & being kind & gentle on yourself.

You are a worthwhile & loveable human being. You always were.

Why the booze & cutting in trying to forget (numbing out)? Especially when the things that you were trying to forget will still be with you? It's a vicious cycle over & over again.

No one ever told us that this healing process was going to be easy. As you, me & your brothers here already know.

We all are here for each other & that includes you.

We all will hear each other's cries & We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Our COMPASSION,
Our UNDERSTANDING,
Our LOVE, is here for you.
Throw away those blades & knives, pour the booze down the drain.

WE are here for YOU, you know where we are. No need for any artificial help. No magic pills, no magic elixor & no snake oil will do.

Just your brothers here love, caring & hope for you & each other, will help you through in your hour of distress.

Wishing you well, my brother, Jeff, in healing & life.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.
 
Hey woodenshoes, Mike and Pete,

I thank you for all your love and hope.

I have to stop posting on this thread simply because I talk too much and that's probably because of my drinking. There are plenty of other survivors here on this thread that can use your help and hope, it is not fair that I take away help from others.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
(((Jeff))),

Don't quit talking in this thread.
It's not all about you, it's all about us & you brought it to our attention.

The more we talk about our abuse the better we heal & get our self respect back that was taken from us many years ago.

You are not taking away help from others.
But, my brother, Jeff, it's your final decision one way or the other.

Wishing my fraternal brothers a great day in life & healing.

Love, Hugs, Hope & Healing.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Pete..Irishmoose.
 
Hey Pete

I was thinking if I should post again to this forum mainly because it was becoming more about me than help for others.

Besides, it seems like I always kill these threads in the forum. Being the last to post fucks me up because people have heard too much from me.

I thank everybody who posted here about my shit, I do appreciate it very much. I was hoping that I would be able to get a general discussion going but that hasn't happened. I have a T and shrink to take care of just my shit so that's why I have to bail on the forums in general, it cannot be just about me.

Thanks for the kind words and thoughts

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 

Obi

Registrant
Jeff,

you have a t and shrink. Do you believe that you are their only patient? Obviously not...

so, why would you think it is only about you here?

I've seen others posting about their stuff too. It is for everyone here. You are just at a point in your recovery where you're able to talk more about it. That is great! Plus, it gives hope and a voice to all those who aren't as far as you.

keep sharing, Jeff. It helps you and many others here. You are making a huge difference here. Should be proud of that, not shameful.
 

woodenshoes

Registrant
Jeff

You are valued and when you post we read. It helps us see where you are and where your going and if we have something to say. We have the opportunity too. If you dont we have no release that would otherwise be there.

Woodenshoes
 
I just thought that I would write about how I'm handling my triggers now. I am trying to give up drinking since this past Monday. It's been hard so far but I think I have a good chance at quitting. The problem now is that since I can't dull my senses with some Jack Danial's I have to face them now when I come home.

My shrink has me on a growing dosage of Seroquel and that has helped overall but now I come home and I don't drink so I get worked up and start to panic. He has given me a little more Valium to settle me down when I start getting worked up but that was before I started to dry myself out. I am cutting a little more but I hope that the Valium can help me with that also.

So now I have to find a whole new way to handle my triggers. I now see how much my drinking helped in making my triggers disappear. I do hope I can pull through. If I'm still dry next week then I'm going to call my shrink and ask for that medicine (???) to help people keep off drinking. He said that there was something but in order to take if I can't be drinking while taking the medicine.

Obi and WS - I just have this thing about my name being last in a thread. I feel like I kill the thread.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 

woodenshoes

Registrant
Jeff

I believe you have the strength to win this. You are strong and we are here for support. It makes me smile reading the strength in your words. Please call us for support brother anytime. You will succeed.

Woodenshoes
 
as an update I'm still dry so i'm happy about that. the problem is that now I cannot hide from my triggers and I'm having a hard time facing them. My cutting has gotten worse and with the lack of alcohol to deaden those triggers it seems that I have to cut deeper and draw more blood. I am better able to think through events in my past but I'm finding it harder and harder not to trigger myself. Since a week ago Monday when I went on that all out drunken binge and then went dry since then there seems to be an overload of shit to wipe up. It seems that I'm constantly trying to work past my past and it's like trying to get through a locked cell door. Because of that I really don't know if I'm going to lose the drinking battle. I'm just getting too worked up too much lately and there doesn't seem to be a way in which I can avoid all the pain. I was thinking of just drinking a little but that's just how I got started into drinking a lot.

I also feel more hate towards my younger self in that he didn't have the brains to stop what was going on with himself and especially since he liked so many of the friendships he made with other kids that were also in the game with him. Since I've stopped drinking I see him more and more of him and I can see how much that hurts me.

I know that I'm just babbling but it does make it easier handling my triggers that are bothering me.

Thanks WS for your concern I appreciate it very much

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
(((Jeff)))

I am glad you are still dry but am terribly concerned about the cutting. You are punishing yourself and you don't need to. You probably know that but cannot "KNOW" that. Please keep babbling on and talking and venting. We are all here to help.

Sending you strength, love and hope --

Mike
 
(((Jeff))),

My fraternal brother. Glad to hear about the booze problem.

But, like Mike and others i'm concerened about the cutting,
some how some way you have to come to terms about constantly harming not only your adult self, but that inner child within you.

Keep coming here, we will listen, we will try and help you through your setbacks.
And as ever you have our compassion, understanding, love & hope.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Love, Hugs, Hope & Healing.
Pete..Irishmoose.
 
Thanks NM and Pete.

Right now cutting takes me out of the moment and helps with hating myself.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
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