Triggering
I'm tired of my own complaining, my own malaise, I'm tired of me. I've triggers from my body, from my son's problems, my wife, the public, other... I'm not sure I'm listing in order of consequence... I'm not thinking that through... these kinds of things aren't really coherent, my dissociation wants to kick in, my body wants to flee, I'm sensing adrenaline, wondering why the F I would start this thread?!
My son told my yesterday... off-hand... seemingly in-phased, not intending to discuss it "someone called me faggot today". "I tripped by a girl, sort of off her, and dropped a couple of things, someone I didn't see or know called me "faggot"". Then, that was it.
My work is hurting me...
My wife is hurting me...
My mind has to be attended to almost constantly, and that weighs on my energy and motivation.
Some can say, hang in there, you're Ok, doing the best you can. Don't own everything... Ok yeah, well that's not this thing... see it's automatic, my brain is wired to specifically notice these things and react. I've not had any automatic or adult response my entire life. I used to drink and smoke pot to kill it. That did help. But, for 17 years this stuff has wracked my body with the extra tensions of going it alone... Wait... 16 years... Today is my one year anniversary of joining Male Survivor Forums.
My years of trying to not feel or think, followed by about 7 years of recovering my ability to feel and think, and now over a year of working on being a survivor, I'm keenly aware of the way my mind is working, and I don't like it.
I don't have to like it, I just have to survive it... but, that's barely enough. Think about it, barely surviving, day to day, this mind. I don't think I have to explain that at all, you know.
So. with tight gut, tears, deep need (still), thanks guys, I'm glad you're here.
My son told my yesterday... off-hand... seemingly in-phased, not intending to discuss it "someone called me faggot today". "I tripped by a girl, sort of off her, and dropped a couple of things, someone I didn't see or know called me "faggot"". Then, that was it.
My work is hurting me...
My wife is hurting me...
My mind has to be attended to almost constantly, and that weighs on my energy and motivation.
Some can say, hang in there, you're Ok, doing the best you can. Don't own everything... Ok yeah, well that's not this thing... see it's automatic, my brain is wired to specifically notice these things and react. I've not had any automatic or adult response my entire life. I used to drink and smoke pot to kill it. That did help. But, for 17 years this stuff has wracked my body with the extra tensions of going it alone... Wait... 16 years... Today is my one year anniversary of joining Male Survivor Forums.
My years of trying to not feel or think, followed by about 7 years of recovering my ability to feel and think, and now over a year of working on being a survivor, I'm keenly aware of the way my mind is working, and I don't like it.
I don't have to like it, I just have to survive it... but, that's barely enough. Think about it, barely surviving, day to day, this mind. I don't think I have to explain that at all, you know.
So. with tight gut, tears, deep need (still), thanks guys, I'm glad you're here.
