TRIGGERING!! The sabotage of my wife has created a lot of discord
TRIGGERING!!
I've tried so hard to get well mentally, and emotionally. The physical part has suffered a lot, and that's been an ongoing problem.
Just now, my wife stormed into my room (I live estranged in a room away from her as can be in this house). She had found some ice cream I had for soothing my throat, and it tasted good too. She threw it outside, and started berating me for having any health issues. She threatened to cut me off of the insurance she has for the family, and she's threatened that if I get Covid-19 she demands I move out.
I will have a very hard time with that, as I'm just beginning to get over having Whooping Cough last week. I have the residual cough which I'm told may last 100 days from inception, which means I'll have about 4 weeks more to deal with it. The part that my wife has played in causing me illness, is the storm she rages around me, and sometimes engages in these derisive attacks, which take my energy for calm and good, and stores up the cortisol she's forced upon me with her attacks. That's sabotage I've been dealing with for 34 years.
I had a little relief when I could get out of the house and work as a self-employed contractor/ licensed remodeler. I made a pretty good go of that, but my health suffered from too many sinus infections(related to taking Lisinopril for my high blood pressure), I ached a lot too, and in the end, the 2008 crash stopped my business cold. I went to a line of work that was parallel to what I was doing and made a really good go of that too. But, I started to have knee and foot problems. Plantar Fasciitis was a problem 5 years ago, and just about that time my knees started to hurt. 2+ years later I had my first knee replacement due to arthritis. It seems early, 55, to have arthritis attack my knees? I had to have a 2nd knee replacement on that same knee, because the partial knee replacement failed. I thought it wouldn't owing to some research I did, and assurance from the surgeon, but things sabotaged that too (long story).
I'm always hyper vigilant owing to the huge issues of survival mode from the traumas. I've done a lot of work to get help, including a lot of therapy with a great therapist. I'm better, but, like clockwork, when something seems to be getting better, my wife sabotages me.
This has been what she's done at every crucial, and critical time in my life. Starting university she created chaos near daily, but sometimes only weekly. Getting my first job after graduation, she belittled me for being weak toward getting a job she thought I shouldn't have tried for. I tried training for IT, and that didn't work because the timing was again off, and I couldn't find an opening for a beginner help desk position. The school told us they would help place us. It turned out to be a scam, like is reported about, she berated me as a failure. I couldn't do anything about the student loan debt from it. I rolled my university student loans, and that one for IT into a 2nd mortgage to help me kick-start my business in 2003. My wife called my new business a hobby and berated me for long hours without a huge profit. 5 years later it all crashed and I had a lot of problems with paying bills. I'm better now, but I make the worst case scenario of paycheck to paycheck. And again, just as I might be able to go full time and possibly back into management, she's pulling this stunt to harass me about getting sick, and she wants me to move out if I get Covid-19.
And go where exactly? This is insanity she's spewing at me, me, a person who has only wanted compassion to heal, and wishing I could offer that. I'm rejected at every effort, because it's not enough, and not making $100k a year. I can't do that now, if ever I could(doubtful). I've explained her sabotaging me to her in terms I thought she could understand, but it's never something for her to change. It's all my fault. The stress she creates at home, and the fact that a lot of people who make high income are not saddled with a bad body, mental illnesses, and a wife who attacks them. How am I supposed to face professionals when I am chaotic in mind and I'm needing peace to repair?
This is the conundrum of recovering with sexual and bully trauma, and while dealing with mental illness. There are those who have no desire to help, and also don't care if they cause harm. I've tried to take some of the harm out of this situation, by moving into this room, playing music on my phone with earbuds, and doing what I can to keep the house clean. I help a lot with our son's needs, and have shown how I care about what he needs. It's never enough. I have done a lot of work on remodeling this house too. There's an ongoing project at present, and I am almost ready to paint. Then I can do the flooring. But, it's still not enough. I'm supposed have completed that a year ago, but I have been dealing with many issues which take a lot of energy. I am also trying to avoid getting Covid-19. I just got well from whooping cough. I'm engaging in hyper vigilance with anti-virus wipes and cleaners. I would wear a mask, but they're all sold out. The masks I ordered went from 2 weeks, to a month and now 6 weeks. There's no relief in sight. I'm scared of being pushed out of this house, it's a central part of keeping me grounded; it's my base of operations. I need a place where all my stuff is, and I can do things I need or want to do. She's threatening that, and it's the kind of threat she has done for decades. It's the kind of threat which in the past is associated with an upheaval of my belongings, where she sometimes destroys things. She's not done that in a long time, but she could. She's threatened to go through my things in this room. I don't want her to mess with my pills, my clothes, my coin savings, or storage. She's making life very difficult, when stability would encourage best results.
She tells me I like being sick. --- Who says that to a person?
I'm sorry to rant on and on. I have done these kinds of rants very infrequently, because I feel they're not the purview of MS. In that, though I need stability and compassion to heal in this protracted recovery, I have this seemingly unique circumstance where I'm trapped. Leaving isn't an option, I have no money, no savings, and I would be homeless, and without insurance. If I could compensate her for the family insurance I would. What's important and pertinent to my sharing this on MS, is that some of you already know a lot about this situation I'm enduring, and maybe it's helping me to keep sanity while I again endure her sabotage. My next therapy appointment isn't until the end of March, because my therapist has a training. I have shared these with her, but to a point where they're moot. I can't change this situation, and I've hoped I could endure it while my physical health came back. Now, like always, some chaos in the world intrudes to take away the hope I've striven for. Covid-19 is not only a threat to my health and life, it's a threat to my living situation and survival.
I'm dismayed, but writing to get this out; to get it out is what I need to try. I need hope.
I've tried so hard to get well mentally, and emotionally. The physical part has suffered a lot, and that's been an ongoing problem.
Just now, my wife stormed into my room (I live estranged in a room away from her as can be in this house). She had found some ice cream I had for soothing my throat, and it tasted good too. She threw it outside, and started berating me for having any health issues. She threatened to cut me off of the insurance she has for the family, and she's threatened that if I get Covid-19 she demands I move out.
I will have a very hard time with that, as I'm just beginning to get over having Whooping Cough last week. I have the residual cough which I'm told may last 100 days from inception, which means I'll have about 4 weeks more to deal with it. The part that my wife has played in causing me illness, is the storm she rages around me, and sometimes engages in these derisive attacks, which take my energy for calm and good, and stores up the cortisol she's forced upon me with her attacks. That's sabotage I've been dealing with for 34 years.
I had a little relief when I could get out of the house and work as a self-employed contractor/ licensed remodeler. I made a pretty good go of that, but my health suffered from too many sinus infections(related to taking Lisinopril for my high blood pressure), I ached a lot too, and in the end, the 2008 crash stopped my business cold. I went to a line of work that was parallel to what I was doing and made a really good go of that too. But, I started to have knee and foot problems. Plantar Fasciitis was a problem 5 years ago, and just about that time my knees started to hurt. 2+ years later I had my first knee replacement due to arthritis. It seems early, 55, to have arthritis attack my knees? I had to have a 2nd knee replacement on that same knee, because the partial knee replacement failed. I thought it wouldn't owing to some research I did, and assurance from the surgeon, but things sabotaged that too (long story).
I'm always hyper vigilant owing to the huge issues of survival mode from the traumas. I've done a lot of work to get help, including a lot of therapy with a great therapist. I'm better, but, like clockwork, when something seems to be getting better, my wife sabotages me.
This has been what she's done at every crucial, and critical time in my life. Starting university she created chaos near daily, but sometimes only weekly. Getting my first job after graduation, she belittled me for being weak toward getting a job she thought I shouldn't have tried for. I tried training for IT, and that didn't work because the timing was again off, and I couldn't find an opening for a beginner help desk position. The school told us they would help place us. It turned out to be a scam, like is reported about, she berated me as a failure. I couldn't do anything about the student loan debt from it. I rolled my university student loans, and that one for IT into a 2nd mortgage to help me kick-start my business in 2003. My wife called my new business a hobby and berated me for long hours without a huge profit. 5 years later it all crashed and I had a lot of problems with paying bills. I'm better now, but I make the worst case scenario of paycheck to paycheck. And again, just as I might be able to go full time and possibly back into management, she's pulling this stunt to harass me about getting sick, and she wants me to move out if I get Covid-19.
And go where exactly? This is insanity she's spewing at me, me, a person who has only wanted compassion to heal, and wishing I could offer that. I'm rejected at every effort, because it's not enough, and not making $100k a year. I can't do that now, if ever I could(doubtful). I've explained her sabotaging me to her in terms I thought she could understand, but it's never something for her to change. It's all my fault. The stress she creates at home, and the fact that a lot of people who make high income are not saddled with a bad body, mental illnesses, and a wife who attacks them. How am I supposed to face professionals when I am chaotic in mind and I'm needing peace to repair?
This is the conundrum of recovering with sexual and bully trauma, and while dealing with mental illness. There are those who have no desire to help, and also don't care if they cause harm. I've tried to take some of the harm out of this situation, by moving into this room, playing music on my phone with earbuds, and doing what I can to keep the house clean. I help a lot with our son's needs, and have shown how I care about what he needs. It's never enough. I have done a lot of work on remodeling this house too. There's an ongoing project at present, and I am almost ready to paint. Then I can do the flooring. But, it's still not enough. I'm supposed have completed that a year ago, but I have been dealing with many issues which take a lot of energy. I am also trying to avoid getting Covid-19. I just got well from whooping cough. I'm engaging in hyper vigilance with anti-virus wipes and cleaners. I would wear a mask, but they're all sold out. The masks I ordered went from 2 weeks, to a month and now 6 weeks. There's no relief in sight. I'm scared of being pushed out of this house, it's a central part of keeping me grounded; it's my base of operations. I need a place where all my stuff is, and I can do things I need or want to do. She's threatening that, and it's the kind of threat she has done for decades. It's the kind of threat which in the past is associated with an upheaval of my belongings, where she sometimes destroys things. She's not done that in a long time, but she could. She's threatened to go through my things in this room. I don't want her to mess with my pills, my clothes, my coin savings, or storage. She's making life very difficult, when stability would encourage best results.
She tells me I like being sick. --- Who says that to a person?
I'm sorry to rant on and on. I have done these kinds of rants very infrequently, because I feel they're not the purview of MS. In that, though I need stability and compassion to heal in this protracted recovery, I have this seemingly unique circumstance where I'm trapped. Leaving isn't an option, I have no money, no savings, and I would be homeless, and without insurance. If I could compensate her for the family insurance I would. What's important and pertinent to my sharing this on MS, is that some of you already know a lot about this situation I'm enduring, and maybe it's helping me to keep sanity while I again endure her sabotage. My next therapy appointment isn't until the end of March, because my therapist has a training. I have shared these with her, but to a point where they're moot. I can't change this situation, and I've hoped I could endure it while my physical health came back. Now, like always, some chaos in the world intrudes to take away the hope I've striven for. Covid-19 is not only a threat to my health and life, it's a threat to my living situation and survival.
I'm dismayed, but writing to get this out; to get it out is what I need to try. I need hope.