TRIGGERING!! The sabotage of my wife has created a lot of discord

Ceremony

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Staff member
TRIGGERING!!


I've tried so hard to get well mentally, and emotionally. The physical part has suffered a lot, and that's been an ongoing problem.

Just now, my wife stormed into my room (I live estranged in a room away from her as can be in this house). She had found some ice cream I had for soothing my throat, and it tasted good too. She threw it outside, and started berating me for having any health issues. She threatened to cut me off of the insurance she has for the family, and she's threatened that if I get Covid-19 she demands I move out.

I will have a very hard time with that, as I'm just beginning to get over having Whooping Cough last week. I have the residual cough which I'm told may last 100 days from inception, which means I'll have about 4 weeks more to deal with it. The part that my wife has played in causing me illness, is the storm she rages around me, and sometimes engages in these derisive attacks, which take my energy for calm and good, and stores up the cortisol she's forced upon me with her attacks. That's sabotage I've been dealing with for 34 years.

I had a little relief when I could get out of the house and work as a self-employed contractor/ licensed remodeler. I made a pretty good go of that, but my health suffered from too many sinus infections(related to taking Lisinopril for my high blood pressure), I ached a lot too, and in the end, the 2008 crash stopped my business cold. I went to a line of work that was parallel to what I was doing and made a really good go of that too. But, I started to have knee and foot problems. Plantar Fasciitis was a problem 5 years ago, and just about that time my knees started to hurt. 2+ years later I had my first knee replacement due to arthritis. It seems early, 55, to have arthritis attack my knees? I had to have a 2nd knee replacement on that same knee, because the partial knee replacement failed. I thought it wouldn't owing to some research I did, and assurance from the surgeon, but things sabotaged that too (long story).

I'm always hyper vigilant owing to the huge issues of survival mode from the traumas. I've done a lot of work to get help, including a lot of therapy with a great therapist. I'm better, but, like clockwork, when something seems to be getting better, my wife sabotages me.

This has been what she's done at every crucial, and critical time in my life. Starting university she created chaos near daily, but sometimes only weekly. Getting my first job after graduation, she belittled me for being weak toward getting a job she thought I shouldn't have tried for. I tried training for IT, and that didn't work because the timing was again off, and I couldn't find an opening for a beginner help desk position. The school told us they would help place us. It turned out to be a scam, like is reported about, she berated me as a failure. I couldn't do anything about the student loan debt from it. I rolled my university student loans, and that one for IT into a 2nd mortgage to help me kick-start my business in 2003. My wife called my new business a hobby and berated me for long hours without a huge profit. 5 years later it all crashed and I had a lot of problems with paying bills. I'm better now, but I make the worst case scenario of paycheck to paycheck. And again, just as I might be able to go full time and possibly back into management, she's pulling this stunt to harass me about getting sick, and she wants me to move out if I get Covid-19.

And go where exactly? This is insanity she's spewing at me, me, a person who has only wanted compassion to heal, and wishing I could offer that. I'm rejected at every effort, because it's not enough, and not making $100k a year. I can't do that now, if ever I could(doubtful). I've explained her sabotaging me to her in terms I thought she could understand, but it's never something for her to change. It's all my fault. The stress she creates at home, and the fact that a lot of people who make high income are not saddled with a bad body, mental illnesses, and a wife who attacks them. How am I supposed to face professionals when I am chaotic in mind and I'm needing peace to repair?

This is the conundrum of recovering with sexual and bully trauma, and while dealing with mental illness. There are those who have no desire to help, and also don't care if they cause harm. I've tried to take some of the harm out of this situation, by moving into this room, playing music on my phone with earbuds, and doing what I can to keep the house clean. I help a lot with our son's needs, and have shown how I care about what he needs. It's never enough. I have done a lot of work on remodeling this house too. There's an ongoing project at present, and I am almost ready to paint. Then I can do the flooring. But, it's still not enough. I'm supposed have completed that a year ago, but I have been dealing with many issues which take a lot of energy. I am also trying to avoid getting Covid-19. I just got well from whooping cough. I'm engaging in hyper vigilance with anti-virus wipes and cleaners. I would wear a mask, but they're all sold out. The masks I ordered went from 2 weeks, to a month and now 6 weeks. There's no relief in sight. I'm scared of being pushed out of this house, it's a central part of keeping me grounded; it's my base of operations. I need a place where all my stuff is, and I can do things I need or want to do. She's threatening that, and it's the kind of threat she has done for decades. It's the kind of threat which in the past is associated with an upheaval of my belongings, where she sometimes destroys things. She's not done that in a long time, but she could. She's threatened to go through my things in this room. I don't want her to mess with my pills, my clothes, my coin savings, or storage. She's making life very difficult, when stability would encourage best results.

She tells me I like being sick. --- Who says that to a person?

I'm sorry to rant on and on. I have done these kinds of rants very infrequently, because I feel they're not the purview of MS. In that, though I need stability and compassion to heal in this protracted recovery, I have this seemingly unique circumstance where I'm trapped. Leaving isn't an option, I have no money, no savings, and I would be homeless, and without insurance. If I could compensate her for the family insurance I would. What's important and pertinent to my sharing this on MS, is that some of you already know a lot about this situation I'm enduring, and maybe it's helping me to keep sanity while I again endure her sabotage. My next therapy appointment isn't until the end of March, because my therapist has a training. I have shared these with her, but to a point where they're moot. I can't change this situation, and I've hoped I could endure it while my physical health came back. Now, like always, some chaos in the world intrudes to take away the hope I've striven for. Covid-19 is not only a threat to my health and life, it's a threat to my living situation and survival.

I'm dismayed, but writing to get this out; to get it out is what I need to try. I need hope.
 
Oh my gosh, Ceremony, I feel sorry for you. I have been married for, will be 28 years this year, and I avoid her as much as possible also. But my situation not so severe as yours. I am praying for you. Hope you get over the sickness soon
 
I always post something and then decide I had more to say and I feel like my thought was not complete so here I am back again with more.

I find some similarities with you, Ceremony., in that I myself I'm in my early 50s I got married early in life to someone I thought I could live with we moved out of state and built a house on some land my dad grew up on and now I feel trapped. And you say you want to go, but where do you go? I would love to get out of the situation but I don't want to lose this land that's been in our family maybe you feel stuck like me anyways I can relate to you she doesn't so much bullying me although sometimes she complains that I dont help her enough, but I feel bullied by the churchgoers and a family member.
If anything I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone I can relate to you
 

Ceremony

Moderator
Staff member
it seems that she likes making you sick. why didn't she divorce you if she's such a winner & you're supposedly so incompetent?
I've been very unsettled to leave myself, though moved out at least 4 times in 35 years. I filed for divorce 12 years ago, and tried to have her served. The Sheriff showed up while I was out and she refused to answer the door. I couldn't afford to litigate, and had just enough to get the filing done. I had an arrangement for a small basement space back then, but, that's been gone now for at least a decade.

My brother might have a room, but he's got two living with he and his wife as it is. I'll give him a call if it gets too bad.
 

John67

Registrant
Ceremony, I've got nothing but compassion for you and your situation. Not saying it applies here (not to be construed as advice I believe is the legal term), but I often tell my 12 Step sponsees who start to build long term sobriety and face hateful or hurtful spouses, that sometimes our loved ones chose not heal, often they chose not to see their sickness. We have to have compassion for them...we don't have to stay with them, especially if their behavior makes us feel entitled or resentful.
 

Ceremony

Moderator
Staff member
Indeed @John67, that's precisely the take away from my situation. I've distanced myself from her, that now we are estranged in the same house. But, it's made her more aggressive toward being hurtful and adding that she believes she's standing to kick me out. I won't go with her reasoning, I will go or stay as my health, mental health and living situation dictate toward my needs. That's why I stay, I am in need of a structured residence where I can manage my daily needs.

I've definitely married a person whom I was unaware had a depth for hurting me that seems unfathomable to be the same person I fell in love with. It was a shock, and I was unable to recover, and in fact fell from 7 years sobriety at the time of marriage, to going for 16 years using after a few months married. It was a very tumultuous time, both of us hurt many times. I have worked very hard at living amends, none of which have been acknowledged, and along this path, not one sobriety anniversary acknowledged. I gave up caring after a decade, but I carry on for myself and my 2 kids, and then my extended family and friends. I like my job for the most part too, so I like being me in that role. But, I know I may have been something else I aspired, had I been encouraged and supported at home. If I had had reciprocation to the love and healing efforts I've engaged in for 2 decades now.

She refuses all exhortations to seek therapy for herself. I have given up any delusions that she may change, and live with the facts she is toxic and I have to find my own remedy to keep stability of residence. I need this roof, and the base it offers me to live. I can't just leave, I've no place to go, and I will endure upheaval that I'm not physically healthy enough to endure, like the 4 times I've left before.

This is it, I need to stay and manage.
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
Ceremony

From my life I have learned environment is so important in our healing. I remember when I moved and went to a support group meeting speaking of how I was progressing. I remember the responses, you must have moved because there is no way anyone can grow and heal in that situation. I laughed and said I had moved a couple of months ago. It was then I realized once I left the house, the people I met and those I did not encounter allowed me to focus on an, healing, and they say what you focus on expands. My environment undid all the good I felt and received outside the house. My T and doctors advised me to move much earlier because it was a destructive and abusive environment, I did not, instead I allowed flashbacks and dissociation to continue. Those that inflict these wounds do not believe they are inflicting.

Your wife probably thinks she is the best and you are the problem. That is wrong because anyone who has the need to attack or allow others to attack you is deflected their issues, their weaknesses, the truths away from themselves and onto you. She has not taken an initiative to learn of what you deal with each and every day from the abuse.

I know your situation does not allow you to move, so somehow you need to be able to set up boundaries. The question will you be able to enforce when your wife goes off the handle. You cannot live in fear of a rant, an attack because it holds you back on living life, enjoying life and healing.

I wish I had an answer for you. I hope you can get away for a few days and focus on you. Please take care of yourself.

Kevin
 
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Ceremony

Moderator
Staff member
Ceremony

From my life I have learned environment is so important in our healing. I remember when I moved and went to a support group meeting speaking of how I was progressing. I remember the responses, you must moved because there is no way anyone can grow and heal in that situation. I laughed and said I had moved a couple of months ago. It was then I realized once I left the house, the people I met and those I did not encounter allowed me to focus on an, healing, and they say what you focus on expands. My environment undid all the good I felt and received outside the house. My T and doctors advised me to move much earlier because it was a destructive and abusive environment, I did not, instead I allowed flashbacks and dissociation to continue. Those that inflict these wounds do not believe they are inflicting.

Your wife probably thinks she is the best and you are the problem. That is wrong because anyone who has the need to attack or allow others to attack you is deflected their issues, their weaknesses, the truths away from themselves and onto you. She has not taken an initiative to learn of what you deal with each and every day from the abuse.

I know your situation does not allow you to move, so somehow you need to be able to set up boundaries. The question will you be able to enforce when your wife goes off the handle. You can live in fear of a rant, an attack because it holds you back on living life, enjoying life and healing.

I wish I had an answer for you. I hope you can get away for a few days and focus on you. Please take care of yourself.

Kevin
Thank you Kevin, as always we share the same mind about what this is all about. Yes, I must, at present endure, and I have set up a lot of boundaries, and I've been able to soothe some of the hardest parts to handle. The room I stay in is in a separate part of the house, and she rarely bothers me. She only goes there to be a jerk. I tell her to go away and leave me alone, and then I put my earbuds in and drown her out. I am always wearing earbuds when we're in proximity. I am wearing them right now.

Thank you for your wisdom and concern.

Rick
 
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michael07

Registrant
Ceremony,

I'm glad you took the time to write out your feelings. I've done that here, as you well know. Sometimes just sitting down, making the decision to write and express yourself, can be a healing act in and of itself. Knowing that others are out 'there' to see and respond is healing. Hearing back from them is healing.

As you know, I was in a verbally, emotionally psychologically abusive relationship when I first came here. It was ending is a very painful way, and it so triggered my abuse trauma that I could hardly function. I mean that literally. You, and others, took the time to respond to me and give me some comfort in any way you could. Think about that. You don't know me, nobody here knows me, and yet you took time to help me in my need.

Your wife, on the other hand, takes time to diminish and hurt you, the person she should love and support that most. The person she should understand the most. And think about this, she didn't want you to escape this situation- she refused to accept the divorce papers being served. She must, in some twisted way, enjoy having power and control over you, she must enjoy belittling you and hurting you and telling you you aren't good enough.

How unhealthy is that? I myself was in that situation.......and I thought to myself, why would a person go out of their way to 'find' things to criticize? I thought love was about support and respect and comforting someone. I really did, and still do.

The complex of csa and maritial/relationship abuse is hard to untangle. I'm still doing it myself. I simply cannot understand the mind of someone who wants to put the other down, makes fun of them and their work, criticize constantly. I'm glad I"m not that person.

You did a good thing writing out here. And than you for your support in the last few months. You obviously have a good heart.
 
Hi Ceremony

I am sorry your wife is how she is, I am also sorry for your health challenges. I don't have any advice to share with you. I just wanted you to know I am reading and care what is happening in your life. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Take good care
 

Ceremony

Moderator
Staff member
I just got back from the store, people are buying for what will likely be mass quarantine? the shelves of many aisles are bare. I over-spent, buying pantry items like soup and pasta. I also found two packages of cold/flu medicine to get just in case I must treat symptoms if they arise?

I hope everyone stays well, has someone who can check up on them, or checks in with everyone here?

I'm very grateful for all the responses, and I do feel better to have shared.

Now, I have to get ready for work; that's a can-of-worms for me. I'm really getting perceived threats triggered every time I work. It's in public and I'm getting pissed at people who just walk up close to me and talk into my face, like 3 feet. I want 5-6 minimum. I'm wiping everything, and I do that regularly anyway, just to keep bacteria down. It's just common sense hygiene. I always wash my hands well, and now have virus wipes with me at all times. I use those on my hands when I feel the need. There's no escaping in a retail environment.
 
@Ceremony this virus is creating such a crazy time. I am a bit of a prepper so haven't felt the need to freak out and empty the stores like all my relatives (who make fun of me for prepping) have done. My company has sent us all to work from home, all events in our area are cancelled and my son is moving home from college 2 months early to finish the school year virtually. Such a strange time.
 
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