Triggered

[Caetel]

Dear Friends

I am not feeling good today, I have experienced a few triggers today. First of all I saw V. this morning in the hospital when I am having some of my classes (he is also doing his internship there). I don't know if he saw me (he was going into a lift) but I decided not to say hello, I decided to run away from him.
This event has triggered me strong ! It all got amplified by the fact that my class all this morning was about "paranoia" ! Yes in view of my last post that's kind of appropriate that I should see V again on that day ! Sure God has a great sense of humour and the absurd !
Anyway, I realized that on the day he was verbally abusive on the phone I dissociated and did not feel the fear. The fear has come today so strong ! I have felt like a four years old, being in the exact moment my father was lifting his arm, holding the dog leather leesh to beat me. I know it is unfair for V. and irrational
(he lost control because of his own pain and inability to express his anger properly but is normally very sweet and caring). But now I have felt that fear, I am afraid to see him, afraid to look at him in his eyes, afraid that if I see him he is going to beat me up.
I got triggered again this afternoon in class, I had to run away, I was feeling scared and trapped for other reason: the enclose space (a sound studio where we were 60 in it) and the music we had to listen (kind of experimental but that reminded me of the "music" my father played at home). Since I can't share with V. right now, I wrote something on www.inceste.org and here so as a way to release the emotions. I really don't want to feel like that with V. I don't want to hurt him and I am not judging him, I just want to share what happened to me because of his behaviour. I am confused about how I should behave if I am seeing him again. There might be a strong possibility of that in the next few days.
Please help

 

[crisispoint]

Caro,

You feel what you feel. You don't have to justify it, and you don't deserve V's abuse. I don't care if he's a survivor or not. First, so are you. Second, he's acting like a jerk, and I'd kick his backside from one side of Paris to the other if I were there right now (not really, but his behavior toward you has made me angry! ).

I also think you're right in that the subject matter set you off. Small wonder, eh? Caro, you are special and you are cared for here and in other places.

May I also say, on a side note, I'd love to do the Irish two-step on your father as well?

Anyway, sorry, but I feel how hurt you are and that makes me angry to these yahoos. I do care, Caro, and I hope you found a way to ground yourself. Take a few deep breaths, tense and release your muscles, the whole bit. Bring yourself to the present and take it easy on yourself, okay?

You are a child of the universe, Caro. And you have every right to be here and to your feelings. I'm around if you need someone.

Peace and love, chere (the only French I know )

Scot

 

[kolisha54]

Dear Caro:

We ALL have these triggers from time to time - it DOES get easier,eventually, but even right now you DO have a lot of wonderful coping skills to draw upon: the question is - can you focus long enough to access them when you are in the middle of a crisis????

As Scot said, you DO have people here who really appreciate you & whose lives have been touched by your goodness, your generosity, & your love.

Please remember that we are here for you!

AND - I'd also have to add: that if Scot needs any help kicking butts tout autour de la France... I would LOVE to help him!!! Hey Scot - 4 feet are better than two!!!

Caro, Dear, please treat yourself gently.

Hugs,

 

[Caetel]

Dear Friends !
Oki, I am happy having you forming the first "butt kicking team" ! I laughed reading you !
As I suspected I got panick attacks as soon as I tried to sleep. VERY IMPORTANT emotions are coming out involving desire, sexual arousal, shame and guilt. They triggered a strong will to engage into compulsive masturbation to calm down the anguish(which I had not done for a long time/not to be confused with normal sweet and tender masturbation ! )and the more I resisted the more shameful I felt. Thank God, a male survivor friend (whom I had not talked in months) rang me and we talked for 3 hours on the phone.
I understand now that all these triggers come from the emotions of pressing charges against my father. I have to deal with the irrational emotions, allow them to express themselves and then put them in perspective. A survivor friend is staying over tonight so I am feeling a little more relaxed now. I have three more days of classes this week, I hope I am going to get through that week without having to skip class.
I love you and feel bless with your trust, friendship, support and love!