Triggered, feeling the need of running until I end

My body has taken the energy of running to end myself into it.

My body is reliving the despair and trigger of running like I will do what I wanted after the rape. To run until my heart stops. See, I did try to do that. I would run to collapse and hope to end.

This body memory is unexpected this morning. It's probably because I watched a short part of this music video.



The dump of cortisol and adrenaline is intense and unwanted.

Gotta breath, but you know how hard that is through this.

Just breath, come on god dammit, just breath.


Fuck


My body hate, forcing me to yet another high school, yet more who will know, who will see me in the showers of gym. Gawd, you've not felt that terror unless you know. They destroyed me in that situation. Then 4 years since that began, I'm raped. Wtf did I do? What the Fuck!
 
It's like if I scratched again, like those times. I could make it stop with scratching until I bled.

So fucking hard to breath
 
Fucking HELL!

Profile pics!

No consideration, it's all about their look, them, they're so important that the pic of their jock body is the oppressive purpose projected.

There are so many here who've been bullied by jocks. I have a horrible trauma from it.

It's not about me, they share that pic for themselves, so they have some ideal of what a body should look like? The body they're showing is perfect, so why is it so important to show? Having a slogan on it isn't making it safer for others. It's triggering and in the context of healing, it's not fair to show it.
 
This has been a tie for worst trigger in my life. The first was my emotional breakdown about 4 years ago. I fell apart because the trauma came upon me and hit my body and emotions intensely. This trigger is like that, I haven't had any escape, and barely better now. It's unreal how automatic it's been.

I feel the running, but I'm sitting here typing. The waste of energy I'm experiencing is also unreal.

I feel so awkward, so out of context with what's been good therapy and hard work. I deserve peace, and this body betrayal hurts me, like it's intentional to me, from me. What that might be, or entail is not something I can explain yet, but it's the feeling.

Thanks for reading.

I hope others are faring well today?
 
Last edited:

OnceInnocent

Registrant
This has been a tie for worst trigger in my life. The first was my emotional breakdown about 4 years ago. I fell apart because the trauma came upon me and hit my body and emotions intensely. This trigger is like that, I haven't had any escape, and barely better now. It's unreal how automatic it's been.

I feel the running, but I'm sitting here typing. The waste of energy I'm experiencing is also unreal.

I feel so awkward, so out of context with what's been good therapy and hard work. I deserve peace, and this body betrayal hurts me, like it's intentional to me, from me. What that might be, or entail is not something I can explain yet, but it's the feeling.

Thanks for reading.

I hope others are faring well today?
just read. im so sorry!
 
Hi Ceremony

There are so many things that can be triggering. I don't think a buffed up jock picture is real appropriate for this site. To the person that posted it it is probably they are trying to put that strong image forward for their protection. I am sorry it is triggering to you.

When they started to want us to shower at school I never went to PE again. There was no way in hell I would be taking my clothes off and going into a shower room at school or at the rink. I stopped going to anything like that. I was tall, skinny and very shy to show my privates also scared I would get aroused and that would just make things worse.

I haven't gone to gyms ever because of my fear of the chain rooms. I don't care to be around jocks at all.

I hope for some peace for you in this regards, Sorry for what has got you to this point.

Take good care
 

Fitz

Registrant
Hi Ceremony

There are so many things that can be triggering. I don't think a buffed up jock picture is real appropriate for this site. To the person that posted it it is probably they are trying to put that strong image forward for their protection. I am sorry it is triggering to you.

When they started to want us to shower at school I never went to PE again. There was no way in hell I would be taking my clothes off and going into a shower room at school or at the rink. I stopped going to anything like that. I was tall, skinny and very shy to show my privates also scared I would get aroused and that would just make things worse.

I haven't gone to gyms ever because of my fear of the chain rooms. I don't care to be around jocks at all.

I hope for some peace for you in this regards, Sorry for what has got you to this point.

Take good care
There is much here I can identify with. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this, but I'm sorry for others struggling with the same fears.
 
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