Trigger

Trigger
L

Leosha

Registrant
Maybe this should be in unmoderated forum instead. I don't know. I trust it will be moved if it is supposed to be.

I can't dig out. I have been working on being a 'survivor' for a year now. Trying to get back all the things he took away of me. And now, I feel back at beginning again. With him touching me again, with those words he say to me, he take it all away again. All the things I get back in this year, he take them again.

I can't do this again. I barely 'survived' surviving it first time. Then barely survive it again in past year, working through it, panic, flashbacks, nightmares, hurting myself, pushing others away. I can't survive it again. I CAN'T.

I spend night with my girlfriend the other night, first time in weeks since I been home. We argue half the night. I try to tell her what it feels like. She say, so if we have to start again, we start again. But it's not HER doing this. No one else can do it but me. And I can't do it again.

I been getting done what I need to. But I can do nothing more then that. I'm not 'survivor' right now. I'm just here. That's all. I can't do anymore, I can't give anymore, I can't accept anymore. I don't even know if I want to.

I am sorry.

leosha
 
leosha,
i understand completely. i am completely drained from the last several months, and especially the last few weeks. we get to a point where we go on auto-pilot. i am awake now, but just so exhausted mentally. i am here if you need me, leo.
 
Leosha - you are a very strong man even if you don't feel it at the moment. I am in a good place right now and you are one of the people that helped me to get there (I know it's difficult to believe that when people tell you, but it is true).

When I have needed support, you have always been one of the first to provide it. I will willingly send you some of my current strength, my feel good factor & we can share it 50%:50% - take it and use it please.

Please put yourself first...I consider you a true brother...Rik
 
Leosha,

I just came here to write nearly the same thing. I am so tired, and I don't want this anymore. I know that I thought I could do it. Right now it just seems that I had no idea what I was getting into when I started.

So I'm just here, and even being here is difficult. I'm hoping just to get through another day. I know this feeling will not last forever, but I've been telling myself that for a couple weeks now.

Here is part of what I cling to right now. I wish I had words to help you at this moment. All I can say is

Thanks,

Joe
 
Joe - it's nearly 1 o'clock in the morning here & I should be going to sleep shortly. Take that strength that I was keeping for myself and use it - I can gain some more whilst I sleep.

Never give up ....Dec 18th 2003 I was in the scrap yard...I got through & back into the showroom. Couple of dents, scratched paintwork but a bloody good engine!

Rik
 
leosha,

i'm sorry you are feeling that way now.

i am only in to this shit for about 4 months. i feel numb, anger, resentment, withdrawing. but guess what?, i felt all that before coming here.

i am with you on being sad and the like. i tried to have sex with my current g/f last night and could not finalize. maybe it was the zoloft, colonzepam, alcohol,thinking of my recent ex who hurt me so bad, i don't know. what the hell, she is nice but i never had those issues before.

i am emotionally burnt out too. just trying to make it day by day.

i am with you brother,

guy
 
Leosha

Say only to yourself you can do it, I know it is so hard to do, but you must get though, it is very difficult at this time, but we survive, even through what we think is impossible

we are all here for you

take care

ste
 
About to leave to help out a friend. To give to him what I haven't been able to give to myself lately. But it feels good. He deserves it. Maybe afterwards I'll be able to feel I do. Thank you for responding, everyone.

Leosha
 
Leosha

Its exhausting "hanging in there"....but "hang in" we must. Ive had a real shit few days but with help and support from MS it IS passing and hopefully this time next week...who knows.

Im thinking of you, take care

Regards
Dan
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (TRIGGERS)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
 
Leosha, you have been in a bad spot since you returned from Russia. I think things happened there that you weren't ready for. You may feel ambushed.

As I told you, you have overcome the worst by far. You have enormous inner strength and you will not begin again. Your progress is still there even if you can't connect with it just now.

You will not have to go through it all again. But it is clear you need to shut down all the adrenalin in you just now and get to a feeling of bing in control. You are in control, you posted here, and you have done your work with your students. You are controlling more that you recognise.

I'll be in touch.

Bob
 
Leosha,

It is almost 4:00 am my time. I am unable to sleep. I have read your posts. You are more than an incredible friend and have always been there for me when you are able.

It is a setback. Perhaps helping your friend will give you the strength you need to find that sense of being alive.

You are in my thoughts always.

Shawn
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top