TRIGGER WARNING/thinking about it/TRIGGER WARNING

Matt78

Registrant
I remember or think about various pieces of my abuse and my abusers every day. I don't try to think about it, I don't want to think about, but it runs through my head alot. This is what has always bothered me so much *Trigger * after the first time, I couldn't get what happened out of my head and every time my mind went over I'd get hard. It was the, probably number one thing that made me question whether what I thought happened or maybe it was a misunderstanding. I thought maybe he was right, and I really did secretly want it. Or maybe I asked for it somehow. But, even after knowing what it was. If I think too deeply about it, my body reacts. It makes me feel dirty, or like some pervert. Or like some freak. I've never told anyone this or even tried to allow full thoughts to form about the issue in order to write it down. I don't question whether or not he intentionally abused me anymore. But, I can't help wonder what is wrong with me?
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Matt - there is nothing wrong with you and the intrusive thoughts are typical in ptsd or complex ptsd suffering survivors. Nope not qualified to diagnose, my doctorate is in law but like you I had parts of the assaults loop back running though my mind for the entire 40 years I was in denial and/or believing what happened was my fault. I’ve been with a good trauma informed therapist for 6 years and the loops are mostly broken and stopped but they can and do restart life post T is definitely happier, more content and easy sleeping. It does get better with the right help.
 
Matt, this is very normal in our abnormal situations. Our minds and bodies do their thing to try to make sense of what is hurting us. Our minds try to rehash what happened, reenacts it to try to understand it, or to get it right, or to try to exert some sort of control over it with us in charge or in control. Our physical bodies are like machines, things work the way they were designed and beyond our conscious control at times. It can be disturbing at first when starting to first face it but hopefully you will be able to see this as "csa normal" and not about you liking it or being a freak, we've all been there.

I'll tell you what freaked me out about this, when my oldest started to walk and would grab onto things to stabilize himself he sometimes would grab onto my calve if I was sitting in a chair. I would be watching tv or something not even aware of him and all of the sudden I would feel a touch or grab at my leg, well I had an automatic response and it *really* freaked me out. Talk about disturbing... I had to rationalize that this was due to my abuse and hair trigger hyper sexuality, it wasn't something I wanted or even I was conscious of, that I was normal given my abnormal situation. And with that understanding between me, myself & I it went away.
 
Matt,
Like stated your body reacts to the touch or thought. It can be quite alarming and disturbing at the same time.
I get thoughts and pieces of the abuse in fragments as well. I just pops up in my head
often without warning. My T diagnosed me with PTSD, and explained these are not uncommon experiences. But, when your body reacts in a surprising manner, when reliving
these fragmented memories, it’s hard not to
think that there is something wrong with you!
My flashbacks or memory recalls usually
cycles, they often go away as fast as they appear. Unfortunately, these are the effects we suffer from the trauma. There is hope
and proof all around this forum that things
do get better! LRD
 

Greybeard

Registrant
I totally get where you are coming from, Matt. For me, my dreams replay my abuse, and I wake from them disturbed, crying, shaking, but also aroused. That bothered me more than anything else about it, and I had similar feelings of shame and disgust. I talked to my T about it, and he told me much the same thing George posted above. This is a common and normal reaction to what we have been through. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Now, knowing that, and actually not experiencing the shame and guilt are two very different things, and I have posted on this site about my own struggles with this issue. It's much easier for me to tell you not to stress about it than it is for me to act on my own words! But I hope at the very least it helps to see that other men here are dealing with the same torment.
 

Samson360

Registrant
I remember or think about various pieces of my abuse and my abusers every day. I don't try to think about it, I don't want to think about, but it runs through my head alot. This is what has always bothered me so much *Trigger * after the first time, I couldn't get what happened out of my head and every time my mind went over I'd get hard. It was the, probably number one thing that made me question whether what I thought happened or maybe it was a misunderstanding. I thought maybe he was right, and I really did secretly want it. Or maybe I asked for it somehow. But, even after knowing what it was. If I think too deeply about it, my body reacts. It makes me feel dirty, or like some pervert. Or like some freak. I've never told anyone this or even tried to allow full thoughts to form about the issue in order to write it down. I don't question whether or not he intentionally abused me anymore. But, I can't help wonder what is wrong with me?
There is nothing wrong with you except you are a man. I was molested way before I was getting erections but I did, at age 9 enjoy seeing my 19 year old male cousin's penis and balls. They were really large and he would want me to sexually arouse him by rubbing him and he rubbing me. I can't say I get erections from thinking back on that but I do looking at other men or boys...
 

Matt78

Registrant
Thank you so much guys. I'm so glad I found this place. I just wish you guys didn't have to go through it. But, thank you. It really helps to know that it isn't just me. But, at the same time. I really wish none of you had to experience it.
 

Greybeard

Registrant
Thank you so much guys. I'm so glad I found this place. I just wish you guys didn't have to go through it. But, thank you. It really helps to know that it isn't just me. But, at the same time. I really wish none of you had to experience it.
I am sorry you had to experience it as well. But I am glad you found this site. The best thing about it is discovering how not alone we all are, and that the things we feel are horrible and unique to us are actually being endured by others as well.
 

ODAT

Registrant
Our erotic templates are shaped by our first sexual experiences so it is not surprising to me that you got hard thinking about the abuse. We didn’t know any better and our bodies had a physiological reaction to the stimulation we received. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It has nothing to do with you or whether you thought you enjoyed it, etc. You were a minor and were abused. Your reactions were not uncommon…
 

Christopher2

Registrant
Your reactions are common. I too get erections for no apparent reason whether alone or with others, in public at the gym and even in church sometimes when I have no inkling of sexual thoughts going on. I believe it has to do with my abuse and I am learning to feel no shame about something I have very little control over.
I have been shamed about my body and felt I was not very good looking.
I am also learning I am indeed desirable and now nearing sixty I am learning to love myself and feel for the first time worthy of others love as well.
 
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