I remember or think about various pieces of my abuse and my abusers every day. I don't try to think about it, I don't want to think about, but it runs through my head alot. This is what has always bothered me so much *Trigger * after the first time, I couldn't get what happened out of my head and every time my mind went over I'd get hard. It was the, probably number one thing that made me question whether what I thought happened or maybe it was a misunderstanding. I thought maybe he was right, and I really did secretly want it. Or maybe I asked for it somehow. But, even after knowing what it was. If I think too deeply about it, my body reacts. It makes me feel dirty, or like some pervert. Or like some freak. I've never told anyone this or even tried to allow full thoughts to form about the issue in order to write it down. I don't question whether or not he intentionally abused me anymore. But, I can't help wonder what is wrong with me?