Trigger warning, from overwrought emotions!

[Ceremony]

Brothers, I'm sorry I think I'm lucky. I cry at the drop of a hat to sadness. I rage easily at wrongs done to any! And in it, I read the stories. I read....

TRIGGERS

I'm lucky I don't know if I have any memory of tasting come, or if I really do get physical flashbacks about the rape or molestations? And what if I did, it was a few molestations and one rape! Not dozens, not hundreds. Maybe my sensitivity is a curse? I hate these abusers too deeply, and won't forgive any of it. They're all worthy of an end!

Violate a child, or rape anyone, molest anyone for the power, violence and destruction of their life, and my wish is that perpetrator must die!

I suppose it's some fucked up survivor guilt to write about my being sorta lucky. I don't see it as overly minimizing my trauma, I see it as telling those here, whom I care about, there is deeper hell than mine. Maybe I can't take it? Reading the stories? I cry so deeply, feel so angry! Is that release an acceptance of the stories and being affirming or too much reaction?

Sure I wish you men would tell me it's Ok, in good time, but my body sits numb, my mind is yelling thoughts, and I want to relate this very badly... when in a forum, waiting, just waiting and waiting and there's nothing I can do but wait...

See, I'm alone and I broke my computer. I can't chat. So, I'm more alone, and it's my fault. My fault for being an emotional failure, my fault that I don't have money, my fault I am so scared to know where friends are made, my fault about it all... I want to blame my rape, my molestations, the drugs for many years, and that I get so fucking moody!

Then I am in pain, my knee hurts from arthritis and it travels around my leg somehow? So, that's got me down, and fucking mad as hell! 55 and I can hardly fucking walk! I've gained too much from it already, and the extra weight hurts me more! So, I better learn to stop eating. Just bare minimum and deal with the pain I seem to enjoy. Must be time to inflict shit on me?! I'm pissed off at the world, so why not punish myself, it's worked in the past... fuck no it hasn't! That's the thing about punishment thinking, I am too much a coward to feel to much pain, though I sense it strong in me.

So, what brought this on? Did I snap? Am I ........alone? Hmmm... fear of this unending loneliness and wishing I could talk to friends for hours. Ahhhh... I think I have a clue about this snap... My dad. I went to my brother's house for Thanksgiving. My family and his, and my sisters. My mom, dad and stepmom. I kinda wanted some visit time with dad and arranged a visit the next day. I had a few hours, but my son wasn't cooperating to go. So, I went alone. My wife was going too, but backed out when our son wouldn't go. They went later the next day. She had made up gift bags for them to bring home, for Christmas. Good on her. I wanted to just talk, sorta nothing heavy. But, Wasn't to be, Nothing doing. No sooner had I sat with my brother and dad, and my dad bit his tongue! Hard too. Couldn't or whatever... talk. I had to leave for work in a short time. So, I asked to meet again the next day too? Sure! I ask if there are any plans, should I worry about the visit time, again I'll have to go to work after. They respond no plans, come on over. So, next morning, I get ready it's maybe just 11 and I head over. I get there and they're all gone? That's that then, no visit. Why did I try, it's always the same, I don't belong to be a part of, I'm to be left out of.

Yup, that's this whine session! Poor me, left out! Stupid expectations! Dumb! Don't have any! Just stupid! Fuck!

So I start with lucky me and end with a pity party whine! Barely able to post this? Just where I am right now. Sorry.

 

[Ceremony]

Now I'm angry I posted that! What drivel and nonsense, to be weak about my insignificant problems. It's like how dare I? Is it honesty, or attention seeking and I scream at myself to delete all this! But, what's right? I'm wanting to talk, oookkayyy... so is whining like a puke gonna serve that? I'm having one of those breaks aren't I? I wanna be honest, but I sit here manipulating words to appear out of sorts and emotional, when really I'm nobody... God dammit fffffffffuck!

It is a problem... calm mmmmmm the fuck down .... swearing at myself ....

Damn, damn ,damn... dramatic... No it's a ruse, I'm seeking attention. .. delete this shit!

FUCK!

I don't know and this is so stupid! I don't want a hug for being stupid, I want to earn it for being good... DAMN that's a freaking thing to dad isn't it?!

James! Tell me it's Ok

 

[Ceremony]

Last I wrote, I was dazed and confused. Now, a bit tired, and stirred to consider my glitch this afternoon?
I am embarrassed by my tirade. And am considering what to do? My thinking is inclined to keep it, and use that in work. To see me freaking out. To know, I'm not going to have this be smooth and workable in my perception of workable.

I'm not too tired, and might continue with the insomnia that's plaguing me? That too must be considered regarding this afternoon. I'm hurting and fogged by lack of sleep. Yet, my insomnia is dogging me.

Partly medication is to blame. Then my typical nature, to fuss and think. I have bad high blood pressure, and my meds have some extra powerful diuretic effect. I might pee 4+ times a night on a bad night. Always at least once or twice. I'm prone to skip them too. I want a stronger pain relief that I'm not supposed to take. So, I skip my medication, using the idea that it will have less harmful effects when I want Naproxin/Aleve. The knee hurts like a mutha!

So, now I will avoid stories tonight, read poems, watch a YouTube music video, and see if I get sleepy? Hope someone talks to me too...? Thanks James for noticing, I saw that post.

 

[Ceremony]

Not in a good place! Terribly upset!

There is nothing good about me really. I'll fail, it's what I'm best at. Being rejected, living a worthless life.

I see why people go deep, and deeper, having fits like this.

I have good intentions, but no one really gives a shit, I mean there's no way to. You can't get close to me, and I fail at it. I still hate myself, and freak out like an f'ing baby in a tantrum.

It's always about me, me, me! I'm the thing I hate! Selfish little prick, whining brat who isn't worth shit! A fat freaking waste of space. There isn't hope is there. ...

 

[john22]

Ceremony

I'm sorry for your hardship at the moment. Although I think it's not really helpful to compare your abuse with someone else. I know it's the human nature to compare, but it's not helpful. A lot of the stories here seem to be worse then mine, or then yours, but it's how someone deals with the effects of it what makes it hard to bear. And those effects are, for everyone who struggles, difficult to handle. If those effects make you feel like there's no future or no hope, then don't give yourself the idea the abuse wasn't that serious/bad.

I know you have good intentions, and I think there are people who recommend you for those, if not in your proximity, I think at this place you've helped people. I for one was glad to see your reaction on my post, even if it was small or short. I liked to see some form of understanding.

I understand that hate, you feel for yourself, it's like it's easier to hate one-self then to hate others, it's directed and easy to control, while if you hate others, that needed control is easily lost. Especially if that other isn't in the vicinity. The guilt and shame which I still couldn't shred does make it easy to put the blame on myself. So nothing wrong with you feeling the way you feel. I know it would be better if the guilt, blame and shame would be placed to those who should really feel it (the perpetrators), but it's easier thought then done.

I hope you will lose the idea you're worthless or a whining brat. In the past it's been said enough to really belief that, but it's just not correct. A lot of the things we all learned to be 'true', just aren't.

I wish you well

john22

 

[KMCINVA]

Ceremony

I understand where you are coming from.

I live with the startling noises and they overwhelm me. The other day I was with people and I jumped, they looked at me and asked what is wrong. I heard a voice, the accent and tone so similar to one of those that tormented me, I jumped and froze. I said I just felt an unexpected chill. When I unexpectedly see a police officer or hear a siren I jump--it goes back to what happened at the time of the first abuse I jump and I have fear throughout my body. Recently the elevator in the build stopped and we were stuck, I started to get very ansy and there were only two other people in the elevator and they asked if I was alright. I not sure what I said. Thankfully we were stuck less than 5 minutes. I frighten easily. I think I have come to think of being in imminent danger almost continuously. The doctor said because of the years of the deliberately inflicted triggers I became conditioned to the sense of danger being with me all the time. So much damage done to me for what--so the priest could have his jollies and the others could get pleasure at seeing someone fall apart. It truly sucks and I know if it does not stop I will be over the edge. I am so tired

What you post is not drivel, you need to let it out. I am good with advise and understanding what others need to do, but cannot put it to practice on myself.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

Thank you John and Kevin, it's kind of you to share your thoughts.

 

[Ceremony]

My life seems hopeless with my wife? Kevin, I read how you had to get away to just start, to put triggers in a holding formation...

I'll have enough extreme problems making change! I don't have any means of support or hope of it, and even if I did I don't trust anyone, I don't want to burden anyone, I feel to worthless to consider any options, I get to where my options will throw me into homelessness and shelter life! That's f'ed up because yuh can't hold a job without a place to sleep!

If I'm not with my son, abandoning him to be with his fucking bitch mom, I will fucking die!

I have no way to change this, and my T says I have to make money to achieve change! Uhhh...I know!

My problem with money...I'm now old, overweight, arthritis in my knee, pain and limping, useless! Even if I could go back full time at my present job, all my accrued vacation is gone, any good things are stripped from me for stepping down to be part time and home school my bullied son!

Plus, barely paycheck to paycheck, I just yesterday found out I overdrafted... When my computer broke I lost the ability to easily look at my account. I fucked up and lost too much now. JUST BEFORE FUCKING CHRIST FUCKING MAS! Fuck Christmas!

I hate this! I suck! I get mad slam my fucking laptop shut and fuckkkkk.....

I'm old, useless, a baby without a life to be anything but a useless shit!

 

[Ceremony]

Christmas meltdown is common with me. I get very depressed now. I hate loving season. I'm ultra sensitive, egotistically negative. That means I push big to be negative, like I have something to prove!

I want nothing good, it proves everything I say. And I look like a piece of shit. I gotta prove that too! That last post seems real, and the facts are the truth, I inserted drama, and that apparently doesn't make me genuine? Something my T seems to see in me? Or, I don't get it?

There's some triggering going on, and I grab it to escalate it to an epic rant! Yeah, I have to admit I'm depressed.

 

[Ceremony]

Depressed, but I don't wish for medication.

https://youtu.be/zZVS5w1sDXw
That song is "Crystal" by New Order

So, I cried, thought I could/would call the crisis line to hear a voice other than my wife's. I mean in the context of talking about my self anger or derision. I told my T, he's the only other person I physically talk to about me. I've skipped or stopped going to that group. I'm undecided. I don't have friends and surely won't make any. I don't do anything, nor go anywhere.

Now that this funk is on me... I'm not thinking too clearly and I think I'm restless. My interests have no outlet, and there's none available. So, do I go volunteer at a soup kitchen? Let them take advantage of me? Be resentful that I want a friend, but I go there and hide my desperate pain?!

Me, me... all about me!

Update:
I didn't call, and just now, I still won't call?! I Googled for a crisis/depressed call line. I read 2 and one seems religious d2l, Darkness 2 Light I'm a tiny bit aware of them. I don't want to talk to them. The other is a peer help line, and that makes me wonder, I'll get the lottery with them?

I don't see a general crisis line with trained people. I guess that's something I haven't learned yet? I post now, just to hear words in my mind talking to me.

 

[Ceremony]

Does anyone know a crisis line phone number in Mpls.?

I'm sorry, I thought I did. It was easier to search with my broken laptop. I am very depressed.

I'm sitting out in the parking lot of my T's office. I forgot that our regular time was taken. I had been scheduling weeks out. I got down to the 2nd to last one and all my time slot was taken over a month out. I will sit here until my appointment time.

I feel like crying.

The extraordinary thing is that I seem to have been Ok a bit over a week ago? Now, I am so depressed my thinking is horrible. What happened?! I keep going back to the 2 attempts to have an extra visit with my dad.

The failure to have any visit, from the circumstances I wrote previously has me wondering about me?! I note this is the "loving season" and I do poorly. I know that, so why am I falling like dead weight?! I'm angry about being a failure!

My thinking fights all my hard work, all my reaching out here, all my attempts to connect. I feel like a failure doing that too. What good is this, whining, crying like a baby. Feel so worthless, but... Why do I have to? Yuh know how T's talk... "tell me why?" and "was that so hard?"... well that's projecting and not fair to my very good T. Past experience brings up that shit.

I think typing out this is work on me. To sit here and ponder? It seems knowledge doesn't imply handling emotions. And reading I note most success handling emotions is coupled in talk with others. So, I ponder the hopelessness of that impossible requirement and how stating it's "impossible" is counter productive!

Why do I insist it's beyond me to accomplish being with anyone who will talk to me? I think it's because in all of my thoughts, no one would want to be with, nor talk to me. I'm a downer now, so sabotaging a new acquaintance is what I project on the possibility. That fulfills the pre-sabotage failure, so I can justify why I don't think about any possibilities.

Fighting that off, where would I meet anyone, who would, given I tone the depression down, and mask it well enough, that meeting new people equates to fulfillment of making an acquaintance? That's a very, extraordinarily difficult question!

 

[tbkkfile]

Hi Ceremony

Unfortunately I live in the UK so can't help with a crisis line number, but just read your post and felt that I had to reach out to you to offer what support I can. I'm so sorry that I can't help more.

(((((Ceremony)))))

We are here for you my friend and do understand what you're going through

David

 

[KMCINVA]

Ceremony

Here is a National Hotline number

1-800-273-8255

Reach out--been there it helps. They have patience and offer guidance.

Remember we care about you and sometimes the emotions creep up or that hit without warning. Take care and call the number above.

In Minneapolis I found the following numbers

(612) 873-3161 Crises Hotline
(612) 873-2222 Suicide Hotline

Reach out because sometimes just having an ear to listen helps.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

Thank you David and Kevin, it means a lot to read your words. My T session went very well. I'm not sure my depression is settled, but that's Ok. I have now a small experience with mindfulness and have been given homework to practice.

The first step was to notice I am not going to fight my way away from my horrible thinking. I will just spin my wheels in the mud. Going nowhere. I've been looking at this depression as a fight to work out. That I could think it away. The T tested me to see if I could stop thinking of something, by using tools I know to change my thoughts, and get the word out of my thinking .

He told me to stop thinking of the word "banana for a minute. I tried every distraction tool I could manage, and maybe blocked it 5 seconds? He was showing me how futile it is to try to think my way away from something in my thoughts! Whoa!

Mind blown

I get it. I will not think my way to ending my horrible emotions. Let them be, give in and let them be... DANG! An uncomfortable proposition. I have homework to practice mindfulness.

Ok, this is new...

 

[sorryson]

Ceremony I am glad to read the last post. The ups and downs can really catch us. Take care of yourself. I am glad you conselor was able to help you.

Paul