* trigger warning * abusers words in your head

[takingitslow]

I would like to think I am doing as well as I can based upon the belief (rightly or wrongful who knows?) that you can never completely heal but I could one day maybe be more functional. I think I am calming down but that might just be due to being overworked and getting older ( just turned 30).


* trigger warning * abusers words in my head randomly ***

If I pause and think about what it is that bugs me the most about my abuse on a day to day basis it is probably the random times through out the day I hear in my head (in my abusers voice) some of the crude sexual remarks he would make and the one which particularly winds me up the most is "shoot your load up her" in reference to when he used to talk to me when I was 18-20 and I would discuss wanting to pursue the opposite sex. There are other phrases which randomly pop into my head.

What am I trying to achieve by typing this out? Thinking about that phrase now I feel moderate anger but more so I feel higher levels of disgust at the paedophile who said that to me and made me endure his fuck-ed up acts and way of life. I take it less personally now and see it all as a wider hatred of all abusers and actions by these sort of people. If ever I see my uncle again in the flesh I will kill him with my bare hands in the meantime I ll try and make myself happier in any capacity I can and I have a civil court case against him coming up next year so I am looking to now crush him financially as well as the 8-9 year jail sentence I got him. I guess I have destroyed him and I will continue to destroy him further as much as I can.

I am getting stronger mentally and physically all the time. Take care all - I guess I wanted to vent as well as see if anyone else has problems more so with phrases the abuser said rather than visual flashbacks ( I still get the odd flashback but they don't seem to affect me)
Dan

 

[DanielQ432]

Hey Dan, from one Daniel to another, you may see your post as “venting” but there is a lot of empowerment in what you’ve done. I love it - don’t get mad, get even.

My father was my abuser, and I have lived my entire life with his words going through my head. He’s long dead and the abuse long over, but I’ve continued to treat myself the way he treated me, hyper-critical, judgmental, condescending and cruel.

I also believe that this will never be out of my mind, so I’ve been coming to the conclusion that chasing a cure is a fool’s errand, but learning to manage and control my symptoms is very possible.

Green Day has a lyric in the song ‘American Idiot’: “the subliminal mindfuck” - that pretty much sums it up in my opinion.

 

[Barkabus]

Hi Dan,

Sorry you have these issues. So do I. It's great that you are getting stronger mentally and physically.

Three things stuck in my head from abuser #1:
"Don't be a wus!"
"It's a microscopic morsel! "
"You don't have to go all the way."

From abuser #2:
"That's what she said."
I hate this phrase to this day! Every time I hear I'm taken right back to that time.

Thanks for sharing Dan,
Mike

 

[manipulated]

TRIGGER WARNINGS CONTINUE

"Some day you will crave the taste" as I gagged and spit....


"Look how hard you are - You really enjoy this don't you?"


"Do to me what you want done to you"


"See how good it feels"

"This has to be our secret - some people just don't understand I'm teaching you to be an adult"

Then it devolved to:


"You are a little faggot aren't you?"


"no one will believe a queer boy like you"

"horny little queer wants man cock?"

 

[TJ jeff]

Yes - it is hard to get the abusers words out of your head - sharing those words can help to take some of the pain of them away

my uncle was my abuser - words still flow through my head at times... (TRIGGER WARNING)

"this feels good doesn't it"

"look how your body likes it"

"you're so small - look at how big I am"

 

[traveler]

I struggled with this for years. I refuse to repeat most of the slurs and accusations - even as examples. for the longest time, I assumed I was hearing the familiar put-downs and insults in my own voice - and I was. then my T challenged me to write a list of all the "Lies I Have Believed." it was pretty depressing. Then he asked me where those statements had come from and suggested I listen really carefully to the words and phrases. I discovered that the majority of them had come from the abusers - mostly the step-dad, but some from the peer bullies and underneath my voice were their voices.

Next he suggested that I write a "Truth" to counter each of the lies. that was much more difficult to do. it wasn't as simple as just stating the opposite. for instance, instead of "You never do anything right," I couldn't say, "I always do everything right." instead I had to come up with an accurate affirmation, like, "I may not be good at carpentry or car mechanics, but I am excellent at painting and refinishing and landscaping."


the exercise was helpful, but the really productive part was to stop repeating the lies to myself. it helped to realize that I had been parroting "him" or "them" - which was something I did not want to do. instead, whenever I caught myself repeating a lie, I was to replace it with a truth. I also read my list to myself repeatedly over the next few weeks. the power of repetition is needed to replace the habitual acceptance of the lies over many years.

now, I hear those words far less frequently and when I do I know where they are coming from and disbelieve them.

Lee

 

[John67]

I don't know if the first was really an "abuser"...but he was a man in his 60's being sexual with a 16 year old, so he was wrong.
"Is this for me?" as he fondled me...and "I love the taste of young c***" as he fellated me.

As for my rapist...
"Just relax and it will start to feel good"
"You're so tight...am I the first one to f*** you."
"Tell me how good it feels."
"C*m for me, I want to feel you c*m."