*trigger warning* “molest me”

[LittleBoy]

This all stems from my early childhood sexual abuse- (left by my parents from ages 2-4 with a pervy male babysitter and his young son for long weekends in a trailer park...)
Question:
How do you balance embracing your unique sexual drivers in a sex positive way and understand where the line is when you are going too far? I feel like the younger generation is more open, more adventurous, less judgmental and more sex positive.
My therapist says as long as no one is getting hurt and it’s consensual fun it’s fine. (I grew up catholic so that blew my mind.)
I’m embracing my fantasies, always in a safe consensual way, but still feel some shame about them -the shame coming from not being open and honest in my relationship.
Problem is:
I prefer exploring with total strangers. I’m less inhibited and more willing to get kinky. Part of the thrill for me comes from that.
It’s a parallel sex life outside my relationship-
I’ve been splitting my sexual worlds for so long it feels completely normal-I find it challenging to integrate the two worlds. My hidden sexual life is thrilling and has always been a part of me. I love it. But if my partner (of 10 years) knew everything I’m afraid he would be disgusted. And he has put the brakes on in the past when I’ve moved in that direction during sex with him.
We’re moving towards an open relationship and have discussed it. He seems happy not asking and not knowing, and has milder sexual needs than me and is less adventurous.
I’m coming to terms with that being the norm, but I don’t know if I should be working to change it.
Is this awkward balance good enough?

 

[NC-Survivor]

I think you should read the many threads regarding sexualizing the abuse. Look at what the "Lust" cravings look like compared with the abuse you suffered. Any parallels?

(see my "Current Struggles" thread)

 

[SmartShadow]

I think this is a very difficult question for a lot of male survivors.
Where are the lines between a healthy sexuality and the sexualised corruption we internalized from our abuse.

I think there’s a lot of different ways to look at this.
Sometimes working through our abuse comes in the form of acting it out but that usually causes some undesired conflict and shame.

I would ask myself some more questions like;

Have I mostly healed from my early trauma?
Are these sexual interests trauma driven?
Do I have internal conflict concerning theses sexual desiors and compulsions?
Do I feel good about myself and my partner when we do this?
Is this bringing me in balance or does this push my life out of balance.

I think it’s really great that you are wondering about this.
I think you’re the only one who can decide if this is right for you for where you are.

keep up the good work!